Judgement and guilt trips about relationship with abusive parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The judgement is annoying. How old are you? I’m in my 40s now. I share brief stories about how mean my BPD mother is to me and my siblings. If someone wants to give me the “buy she is your mother!” line, I say something along the lines of “When you’re decent to your kids, they’re willing to have a relationship when they’re older. No one wants to walk away from their parent.” I don’t apologize anymore. If they pushback after that, it’s something like “Accepting abuse is not on my list of things to do. I can’t be responsible for her choices.”

In reality, only other people with personality disordered parents will really understand. When I find someone who gets it, it makes me more sad than glad. I feel a bit of envy for those who had a mother so nice that they cannot wrap their head around how a mother could act like mine. Lucky them for not knowing, or understanding!

+1

[Anonymous]

"Unfortunately there is a lot of sad history in my background and I don't have much of a relationship with my X (insert family member here) But I have wonderful Y (insert other family member here) which is a great thing."

[Anonymous]

I had to cut off my parents. They were abusive to me and my sister (she’s also estranged from them; they’ve never met her children). I made the decision when I noticed them manipulating my kids the way they would me when I was a kid. We had tried various boundaries in the past, which my parents trampled on, and I realized it was an all or nothing situation.

It wasn’t easy. Judgment from people who didn’t know everything was hard in its own way. The first time they’d judge or try to get me to give them another chance, I’d explain there’s a lot of history they’re not privy to, and it’s my decision (aka back off). If they kept at it, I stopped talking to them too. I can’t handle having the same conversation about how I need to accept abuse over and over.

The one exception I made was for my MIL. She knew I had a close but complex relationship with my mom. I think when I went nuclear with my parents, it scared her because if I could completely cut off my parents, it might be easier for me to do that to her. So I gave her more details and reasons why I came to the decision I did. She understood but would still ask me every time we talked if I’d heard from my parents or if there were any updates. I finally had to spell it out to her that nothing was likely to change, but that her asking was bringing up unpleasant memories and feelings. If she kept on, I’d call less because it was becoming unpleasant for me to have that discussion. But if she’d trust me, I’d let her know of any meaningful changes in my relationship with my parents.

TLDR for the most part, I cut off people who pressured me to continue with my parents, because they’re clearly allied with my parents instead of keeping my best interests in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have boundaries in place because you have a very abusive parent, how do you deal with the judgement from family or friends surrounding this? I feel like it's common. I don't even like to hint that I don't have a great relationship with my mom because most people judge me due to this, not taking in account she is severely abusive.

I don't think my family is judging because I moved away across the ocean. I visit my parents once every two -three years (once I even went five years without visit) even though I can afford to fly there 2-3 times per year. The family assumes it is because the financial burden, time and distance. I've never went into the details why I am not visiting more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had to cut off my parents. They were abusive to me and my sister (she’s also estranged from them; they’ve never met her children). I made the decision when I noticed them manipulating my kids the way they would me when I was a kid. We had tried various boundaries in the past, which my parents trampled on, and I realized it was an all or nothing situation.

It wasn’t easy. Judgment from people who didn’t know everything was hard in its own way. The first time they’d judge or try to get me to give them another chance, I’d explain there’s a lot of history they’re not privy to, and it’s my decision (aka back off). If they kept at it, I stopped talking to them too. I can’t handle having the same conversation about how I need to accept abuse over and over.

The one exception I made was for my MIL. She knew I had a close but complex relationship with my mom. I think when I went nuclear with my parents, it scared her because if I could completely cut off my parents, it might be easier for me to do that to her. So I gave her more details and reasons why I came to the decision I did. She understood but would still ask me every time we talked if I’d heard from my parents or if there were any updates. I finally had to spell it out to her that nothing was likely to change, but that her asking was bringing up unpleasant memories and feelings. If she kept on, I’d call less because it was becoming unpleasant for me to have that discussion. But if she’d trust me, I’d let her know of any meaningful changes in my relationship with my parents.

TLDR for the most part, I cut off people who pressured me to continue with my parents, because they’re clearly allied with my parents instead of keeping my best interests in mind.

I have not told my ILs that I cut off my mom a year ago. They ask how she is doing and I say fine and then switch to updating on my sisters. Not sure how long I can keep it up. Maybe forever, so long as my mom doesn't try to contact them, which would not totally surprise me but seems unlikely. Anyway, yeah, I am worried they would have a bad reaction.

Some of my friends know, but for the most part I can envision not really ever having to talk about my mom. Other than the ILs, I am not at all stressing about it.