Need some perspective -- is my husband being uncaring or am I being too sensitive?

[Anonymous]

Married 20+ years with three adult children. Recently found out through my oldest child that my youngest was violently raped over a year ago. But she didn't want me to know so I wouldn't worry and so I haven't talked to her about it. When I told my husband, he didn't say very much -- just some offhand comment about killing the guy. Meanwhile, I am have been having a hard time sleeping thinking about what she experienced and concerned that she is not getting the help she needs. Oldest child tells me she is isolating from others and suspect she is self-harming.

I've been really depressed about this and worried about her. So yesterday I started to tell him how I am concerned about her and wanted his advice on how to best help her given that I am not supposed to tell her that I know. He responds with nothing helpful at all and tells me I am negative all the time and I need to be more positive and I need to focus on fixing myself, not her. He said you just want me to be as miserable as you are. I said I guess I just need to keep all my concerns to myself then. He said yes, that would be a good start.

I have no one else to talk to about this and feel very betrayed that he doesn't seem to be concerned about our daughter, and that he sees me depressed/anxious and just wants me to snap out of it so I can be more pleasant to be around.

We have had lots of difficulties throughout our marriage, but the stress of the pandemic and the news about our daughter seems to have put me over the edge. And I am feeling worse because I feel no support from the one person who should care.

Not sure how to I go on from here since this has been a pattern in our marriage for so many years. This one just feels like a dealbreaker, but I can't tell if I am just depressed and being overly sensitive or if I need to wake up to the fact that my husband is just not ever going to give me the emotional support that I feel like I need.

[Anonymous]

I imagine he is having a very very difficult time processing what you shared. I doubt his snap was intended to be as isolating as it was. This is a serious traumatic event. I’m sure it pains your husband as much as it pains you to hear of your daughters assault and this heinous crime. Have you thought of talking with a domestic abuse advocate to help you both frame this issue and road ahead in a way that will suooort your daughter as a victim, but also everyone else that knows as her loving suooort network?

I would try not to be too critical with each other right now, you are a team, remember the value in your differences. I’m so sorry that your child experienced this and hope you’re connected with good resources on the road ahead.

[Anonymous]

He's definitely being uncaring.

[Anonymous]

A trigger warning would've been kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I imagine he is having a very very difficult time processing what you shared. I doubt his snap was intended to be as isolating as it was. This is a serious traumatic event. I’m sure it pains your husband as much as it pains you to hear of your daughters assault and this heinous crime. Have you thought of talking with a domestic abuse advocate to help you both frame this issue and road ahead in a way that will suooort your daughter as a victim, but also everyone else that knows as her loving suooort network?

I would try not to be too critical with each other right now, you are a team, remember the value in your differences. I’m so sorry that your child experienced this and hope you’re connected with good resources on the road ahead.

+1
This is great advice. Your family needs support right now. Much love to you everyone in your family, OP.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. He sounds very emotionally removed. I cant imagine what you're going through. And yes, it is him being uncaring. Perhaps he might be willing to learn how to be a better listener?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A trigger warning would've been kind.

A trigger warning would have been inappropriate considering there are no gory details. Look up what a trigger warning is and try to be kind yourself, considering what OP is dealing with

[Anonymous]

You might think about getting a therapist yourself or trying to find someone else you can share your emotions with since your husband is clearly hopelessly inept at this task. Shame on him. I'm sorry you are dealing with all of this. How awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I imagine he is having a very very difficult time processing what you shared. I doubt his snap was intended to be as isolating as it was. This is a serious traumatic event. I’m sure it pains your husband as much as it pains you to hear of your daughters assault and this heinous crime. Have you thought of talking with a domestic abuse advocate to help you both frame this issue and road ahead in a way that will suooort your daughter as a victim, but also everyone else that knows as her loving suooort network?

I would try not to be too critical with each other right now, you are a team, remember the value in your differences. I’m so sorry that your child experienced this and hope you’re connected with good resources on the road ahead.

This. Men react to trauma differently than women.
In men are from mars women are from Venus - men want to withdraw to process emotions and women want to talk about it and connect.

Its completely classic and normal. You both will need time and ut seems your daughter didn't want you to know and be traumatized. So be sensitive to your daughter not wantkng to be stressed by your negative emotions as well

[Anonymous]

Oh man. I’m so sorry.

My read on it is that he’s deeply affected by the news, and processing it poorly (and in a very gender typical way). I’d have sympathy for him, but you both should see a qualified therapist to help you with this.

[Anonymous]

He can't process it and is angry and lashed out at you. Some men are unable to process suc things apart from anger and violence. Sadly, he might feel so without power and that he failed his child. None of this makes it ok to react like that and be rude and emotionaly hurtful to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can't process it and is angry and lashed out at you. Some men are unable to process suc things apart from anger and violence. Sadly, he might feel so without power and that he failed his child. None of this makes it ok to react like that and be rude and emotionaly hurtful to you.

+1

[Anonymous]

You need to find a therapist, stat, and figure out the best way to help your kid. I am not an expert on this, but I think this may be one instance where breaking the confidence may be necessary. Get a telehealth appointment,p.


Stop focusing on your husband. That’s secondary right now. He may suck but stop giving him your energy and focus when that needs to be on your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, op, it does sound like your husband sucks. But this is a very self centered post. You are focusing on how your husband is treating you and how the news about the rape is making you feel. Your focus should be on helping your kid. Yes, you can talk to other people about this - a therapist, at the very least, to help you figure out how to help your daughter. You do not have to keep this a secret. Don’t gossip with friends, but get your daughter help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to find a therapist, stat, and figure out the best way to help your kid. I am not an expert on this, but I think this may be one instance where breaking the confidence may be necessary. Get a telehealth appointment,p.


Stop focusing on your husband. That’s secondary right now. He may suck but stop giving him your energy and focus when that needs to be on your daughter.

This is the best advice. For me, I wouldbe very upset and disappointed in my husband if I behaved this way. I would not want to look over this behavior. At all.

However, it's kind of like paying attention to the paint chipping off when your boat is sinking. Focus on finding the leak in the boat and stopping it. Give your daughter all your attention and focus, and pay for a therapist who can allow you to vent and process your emotions, since your husband is so incapable of giving you the empathy you need. Hopefully a therapist that can give you the best advice for how to best be there for your daughter and how to approach her. Paying for therapy for her too might be a great idea.

Once this storm is over then you can address your husband's lack of compassion. But focus on your own emotions and your daughters, and try to block him out.