Wife driving me nuts

[Anonymous]

My wife can't handle the stress from our toddlers. She's fine until they throw temper tantrums, misbehave, or refuse to sleep, and then she loses her mind. I think it's a reinforcing cycle because she'll give them anything to get them to stop crying. So I think that just encourages them to fuss because they know it will get them candy/cookies/juice (or other things they want).

I try to tell her to go for a walk, or to take a nap, but she refuses.

At this point it's really impacting our relationship because I don't want to be around her anymore with the kids. I'll try to take one or both kids somewhere else when she's around.

[Anonymous]

You guys need therapy. First find a good child psychologist and see him/her without the kids. Get on exactly the same page with each other on how to parent your kids. A blueprint you both agree to is honestly the only answer.

It only gets harder, OP. You must be a united front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You guys need therapy. First find a good child psychologist and see him/her without the kids. Get on exactly the same page with each other on how to parent your kids. A blueprint you both agree to is honestly the only answer.

It only gets harder, OP. You must be a united front.

It's not that we don't agree. It's just the plan seems to go out the window as soon as the crying starts.

[Anonymous]

The sound of my kids crying is knives through my skull. It sets off 1000 instincts. And I have to consciously make choices. It is clear you both need a plan and a follow through plan. Do you use a sticker chart or 123 Magic or some parenting philosophy? As much as it is nice that you tell her you will take it, that does not help her learn any tools. She needs tools to help her set and manage limits with kids. Let her pick the method you both can live with and then practice, practice, practice.

You are right that she is reenforcing the behavior by giving in and it will be really hard to break that. It will suck for a while but if she agrees that it is important, you can work together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys need therapy. First find a good child psychologist and see him/her without the kids. Get on exactly the same page with each other on how to parent your kids. A blueprint you both agree to is honestly the only answer.

It only gets harder, OP. You must be a united front.

It's not that we don't agree. It's just the plan seems to go out the window as soon as the crying starts.

That’s why you need a therapist. Someone for both of you to be accountable to and someone to give your wife coping mechanisms and give you both code words and ways to remind the other of your plan.

You definitely need a third party, OP.

[Anonymous]

You definitely need a third person because not only are the toddlers driving her nuts, she is driving you nuts. That makes it hard to be strategic and make progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You guys need therapy. First find a good child psychologist and see him/her without the kids. Get on exactly the same page with each other on how to parent your kids. A blueprint you both agree to is honestly the only answer.

It only gets harder, OP. You must be a united front.

It's not that we don't agree. It's just the plan seems to go out the window as soon as the crying starts.

That’s why you need a therapist. Someone for both of you to be accountable to and someone to give your wife coping mechanisms and give you both code words and ways to remind the other of your plan.

You definitely need a third party, OP.

+1. Odds are both of you would benefit from different tools, both for parenting your child and for relating to each other. That's not a criticism of you personally, it's a recognition that none of us is perfect and we all have things we could do better. To the extent you're right that she needs to do more work on this than you do, doing it as joint therapy rather than pushing her to get solo therapy may be less threatening and may feel less to her like you're blaming her for everything. Also, if you go into therapy with an open mind, you might come to realize that you're contributing to the dynamic in certain ways as well.

[Anonymous]

See if you can take a parenting class together. Is Pep doing anything online? Those classes are excellent and give real tricks and skills to remaining calm.

[Anonymous]

Anti-anxiety medication+exercise + mindfulness. I am just like your DW and it’s a daily challenge but she has to see someone to understand the process and make progress.

[Anonymous]

Try a set of these headphones: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00CPCHBCQ/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1. My kids are older, but I, too, can't stand the crying. I assume my kids' crying sets off an instinctive need to save my kids from harm. Reducing the decibel level slightly allows me to parent more effectively.

Our brains are wired to keep our kids safe from wild animals--not necessarily to follow 1-2-3 Magic to a t.

Try a good child psychologist if you want to get on the same page. That may be easier to do these days since teletherapy is an option.

I'm not sure if it's suitable for kids this age, but your wife could follow PCIT principles: https://manhattanpsychologygroup.com/pcit-active-ignoring-praise-effective-discipline/. The idea is to "actively ignore" kids when they're not doing something good, and to praise the kids profusely when they cease. PCIT is a nice blueprint, since the whole idea is to be very "hands off" when the child is misbehaving. I've found it liberating in a way.

[Anonymous]

Agree that parenting classes would help. Fairfax has free Parenting Education Program session starting 10/15 virtually for kids 0-4. It sounds like it would help to get an outside perspective and some guidance.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should parent your toddler then

[Anonymous]

How annoying, OP. Doesn’t she understand she’s reinforcing the behavior? You need to walk her through it, step by step, and model the right response in front of her. That’s what I had to do with my husband when our kids were little.

[Anonymous]

You have more than one toddler. Get your act together.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the poster who said it only gets harder from here. I actually think toddler tantrums -- especially if you have more than one -- are some of the toughest. It's still really hard to reason with them, and you're still thinking of them as babies in the protective sense, and the crying makes it hard not to be thrown into a panic.

I think you're right, but I also think your judging and pressure on your wife in these situations probably makes her even more stressed. If she is already going into instinctual stress mode when the toddler cry and then also knows that you're judging her for how she reacts, it isn't helping.

See if you can find a way to work together on this to support each other. It might help to set boundaries on things you will/won't allow. If the rule all the time is to never have cookies between meals and you're both committed to this, then it might be easier for her to repeat this and you to back her up on it even when they are crying, and they will learn that it's the routine rule. Decide ahead of time on rules and exceptions and when you're willing to make them for things you know are triggers.

It probably would also help for both of you to read more about tantrums and toddlers, and maybe do a parenting class like others are suggesting. It can help with tips on how to deal with tantrums, which are a super common problem. Talking to other parents might help, too.