Married friend made an advance? Or was it nothing?

[Anonymous]

A colleague of mine from a previous job of mine ended up staying in touch with me. Over time, we were meeting up for lunch since he worked/lived near my newer job and I could take longer lunches - we probably did this once every 3-4 months. Once when I was preggo with my second child, he also invited me to his house where his wife cooked us a delicious lunch. He and his family have come to our house for dinner.

Over time, we confided in each other about our family issues. He tends to be a very affectionate guy and one of the types that always tries to make everyone around him. He has complained to me a lot about his wife’s family and how they meddle in his business and some of his struggles with his wife not being able to create boundaries. In turn, I’ve shared my struggles with my in-laws. I love my husband and I don’t think I’ve ever given him the indication that I’m unhappy. (I’m very happy with my husband.)

Over the last two years, sometimes when we’re going out to lunch during the workday. I ask him to bring his wife. (I like what I know of her so far and since she doesn’t work, I figured she would enjoy the group outing. He brushes off my request all of the time. Me and him have dined together at least a dozen times (and within 3 miles of where he/wife live.)

Well, the last time we had lunch together, he gave me a hug as we were departing, and then kissed me on the forehead. I was horrified. We both come from a culture where affection between males and females who are not married is frowned upon. I used to shrug off the hug because I felt like he was one of those hugging types. But this weird forehead kiss felt like it crossed the line.

I have disengaged with him since this incident a couple of months ago. I respond to Happy Birthday texts and if we happen to see each other in a public place (ie temple of grocery store), I’m cordial.

A couple of questions:

1) What do you make of this situation?
2) Should I confront him?
3) Should I tell my husband what happened?

[Anonymous]

Stop the lunches and move on with your life. He sees you as an emotional partner and he’d like to take it further.

[Anonymous]

1. Stop seeing him--
He not bringing his wife to lunch with you is a red flag.

2. No

3. No, nothing happened.

Move on with your life. No further meetings.

[Anonymous]

I had a guy friend who’s wife was an alcoholic and every month or two we’d have lunch and he’d confide in me. She died because of it and we continued the lunches but over time I really sensed his interest in my was more than that of just a friend. He eventually made it quite clear what his interest was even though he knew my husband and knew that I was happy. That pretty much ended the friendship which was too bad because he was a very nice guy.

[Anonymous]

Why escalate it and cause unnecessary drama?

[Anonymous]

Women who think, oh, I'll keep up a dinner-date platonic friendship with this guy, are so naive.

[Anonymous]

Stop going to lunches with him. No need to tell your husband, nothing happened. A kiss on the forehead is no reason to start drama.

[Anonymous]

Married man tries to sleep with his female friend.

It's a dog bites man story.

Live and learn, just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A colleague of mine from a previous job of mine ended up staying in touch with me. Over time, we were meeting up for lunch since he worked/lived near my newer job and I could take longer lunches - we probably did this once every 3-4 months. Once when I was preggo with my second child, he also invited me to his house where his wife cooked us a delicious lunch. He and his family have come to our house for dinner.

Over time, we confided in each other about our family issues. He tends to be a very affectionate guy and one of the types that always tries to make everyone around him. He has complained to me a lot about his wife’s family and how they meddle in his business and some of his struggles with his wife not being able to create boundaries. In turn, I’ve shared my struggles with my in-laws. I love my husband and I don’t think I’ve ever given him the indication that I’m unhappy. (I’m very happy with my husband.)

Over the last two years, sometimes when we’re going out to lunch during the workday. I ask him to bring his wife. (I like what I know of her so far and since she doesn’t work, I figured she would enjoy the group outing. He brushes off my request all of the time. Me and him have dined together at least a dozen times (and within 3 miles of where he/wife live.)

Well, the last time we had lunch together, he gave me a hug as we were departing, and then kissed me on the forehead. I was horrified. We both come from a culture where affection between males and females who are not married is frowned upon. I used to shrug off the hug because I felt like he was one of those hugging types. But this weird forehead kiss felt like it crossed the line.

I have disengaged with him since this incident a couple of months ago. I respond to Happy Birthday texts and if we happen to see each other in a public place (ie temple of grocery store), I’m cordial.

A couple of questions:

1) What do you make of this situation?
2) Should I confront him?
3) Should I tell my husband what happened?

1) Trust your instincts
2) Your actions send a clear message. No need to confront
3) Don't spend so much alone time with a man you are not related to, if there is no work or volunteer reason to. Keep your spouses in the picture more.

[Anonymous]

PS-No need to make a big deal with your husband.

If he notices, you could say, "I am cooling it with him because I started to get a weird vibe."

Or, "I am cutting back on our interactions because I felt that he was getting a little too involved/attached to the interactions."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women who think, oh, I'll keep up a dinner-date platonic friendship with this guy, are so naive.

This. Men and women can't have close platonic friendships involving confiding very personal things to one another and one on one dates. This never works long term.

I wouldn't mention it to your husband but I would stop seeing this guy. The only exception being if you are with your husband or if his wife invites you over to their house. If you want to bring your husband on a lunch meeting or invite him and his wife to your house for dinner when your husband is there, fine. But no more lunches with just him. Even if he says his wife will be there. He may come up with a last minute reason for why she couldn't make it. I bet you will see a lot less of him if your husband is always around or his wife is in charge of the entertaining.

[Anonymous]

No, a kiss on the forehead is something for sure. Creepy something. Back away from the situation.

[Anonymous]

Trust your gut.

You have done nothing wrong - there's nothing to hide, no need to keep secrets, no need to cut off all contact w/ him (IMO). But putting some distance/space/time in between interactions and sticking to social engagements that include spouses is wise.

That should take care of sending the message you want OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Stop seeing him--
He not bringing his wife to lunch with you is a red flag.

2. No

3. No, nothing happened.

Move on with your life. No further meetings.

+1 This
Quit being his lunch buddy. You know it's wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP were you surprised though? Man here and I can’t imagine how you’ve never picked up the vibe that he’s wanted more than lunch dates. I mean maybe there’s one in a hundred who’s really clueless but most women would see this from a mile away.