Not outdoorsy/handy parents

[Anonymous]

DH & I both are not handy, and we pay for others to do our car maintenance & repair & house repair & maintenance (incl. mow the lawn). And, we don't have any indoor plant or outdoor plants (except grass & bushes). DH does not do any outdoor activities, no camping, no fishing, no skiing, no hiking, no biking (he can bike), no swimming(no swimming) even before covid time. He does not take kids to do anything outdoorsy at all. DH grows up here, and he does not even know how to do oil change or take care of flat tire. He says that FIL never knows & never teaches him how to do any repair & maintenance. I am a petite woman that grew up in a city from other country, and I don't need to & don't know how to do many things at all. We have a lawn mower, but DH does not want to mow the lawn, so he pays for service. I always ask DH to take kids outdoor to do some outdoorsy thing even before covid time, and it often ends up me taking 2 kids outdoor walking or go to playground while he stays home to relax by himself.

Unfortunately, it is sad the I could be called the "handyman" of my family because I am the one trimming bushes, placing ant bites around the house, spray pesticides around the house, change air filter & sometimes look at youtube videos trying to do some easy diy fixes before seeking out services. I am getting worried that my kids will never get the opportunities to be exposed or to any of those things I mention above from us as parents. I am a bit jealous of my friends posting pictures of their gardening harvest, hiking/biking picture etc. as a family, well, it is mostly the husband effort to make it happen. My girlfriends just post the pictures. DH is not concerned at all because he says our kids can always pay for the services instead of doing themselves, meet friends of same interest to learn & do things together or pay someone to teach them when they get older. That is sad & sucks.

My kids are still young (5 & 2), but I am thinking ahead. Any suggestions for me how to teach or show kids all of the things above over years since I don't know how to do any of those at all? I cannot bike/swim/ski, and I don't have green thumb. Well, I don't have much skill set, except I can draw/paint/do some crafts/take photo/do some simple science activities. I am willing to learn if they are not too difficult. I sometimes watch diy youtube videos, and I enjoy watch them. Does that mean as DH says, I can only pay someone to teach/show them when they get older? For some parents that knows so many life skills, where do you learn that from other than from your parents?

[Anonymous]

Teach them skills like financial literacy and you’re golden.

[Anonymous]

I'm a city girl but we always took time to spend outdoors; my parents were actually huge into camping. IMO, it's very important for kids to be outside, be active, play in the dirt not only for physical benefits but also for emotional and immunity reasons. It would make me sad if H wouldn't want to spend time outdoors and play sports with the kids. House maintenance is not that important, this can be outsourced.

[Anonymous]

You're concerned about it, and you are learning how to do things yourself. This is a great! Just the *concept* that not everything needs to be outsourced is a valuable lesson to teach your children.

Watch the how-to videos with your kids. Get them involved in the household maintenance tasks that you do. Even two year olds like to be helpful - let him think he is helping, even if it slows down the task. "Here's a paper towel, clean the table legs" is a traditional task for that age group. Even sweeping or mopping the floor; just do it again after your child has finished. Five year olds can be legit semi-useful when working with you (don't expect anything independent. Taking dishes to the dishwasher, picking up, sorting laundry, mixing things, holding a flashlight, putting spoons & chopsticks on the table, opening the package that the new filter comes in, light weeding, digging with a trowel, handing you a tool that you've conveniently stacked near him and could reach down and get yourself a lot faster but that would defeat the point. This builds useful habits you'll be able to build on as they age, and, critically, fine and gross motor skills.

In terms of outsourcing, look into doing and making sorts of groups -- Scouts (used to be Boy Scouts, but some troops now are mixed)/Trail Life (boys)/American Heritage Girls (girls)/4-H (mixed). Possibly Girl Scouts, too, though I've heard the experience here is very troop-dependent. This is potentially an opportunity to get your husband more involved as well.

This area is also rich enough and dense enough to support a huge variety of week-long outdoor skills-focused summer camps and classes. These tend to be pricey, but I think my kids have had some good experiences.

[Anonymous]

You’re not alone. I am a woman and really handy and outdoorsy, but my DH is the child of immigrants from an urban place where everything is hired out by anyone who isn’t truly impoverished. He has zero skills, indoors or out. I feel embarrassed about it and it’s annoying to do everything myself or hire stuff out.

I worked at a sleep away camp and my children will go to that camp when they are older. As others have mentioned, it’s a great environment in which to learn not just outdoor skills but life skills. My camp director used to say that the most important thing she could teach any of her campers was how to plunge a toilet. I know how to do a lot, but when I get stuck I get a library book and watch YouTube videos. If I hire something out, I often get helpful tips for future projects of my own, like painters who showed me which roller covers to use on my own upcoming project when they overheard what I’d planned. I watch what others do, ask questions, and take notes: when we moved to a different region, I observed gardens, watched when people planted, and asked my neighbors for advice. On a quiet day when no one is rushing around, ask a neighbor how to use your mower. I would happily help my neighbors learn. I started when I was 12 and that was “old” where I grew up. A small woman can do it!

There is nothing wrong with not knowing this stuff, but personally I think there’s something wrong with not being brave or curious enough to at least give it a try. So good for you for giving it a go! You’re doing a great job and your kids will admire you!

[Anonymous]

I hate the outdoors. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing magical about mowing lawn. I grew up in NYC and now live in a condo. I have never had a lawn. No big deal.

[Anonymous]

I dont think it has anything to do with being outdoorsy and more to do with your DH being hands off with parenting.
If you are taking the kids for a walk that could be something you do as a family. You dont have to be outdoorsy to know that kids need exercise and changes of scenery.
My spouse would never go hiking with DD by herself but its something we do a lot on weekends because its family time.

[Anonymous]

I can bike, swim, and ski and I only taught my children how to ride bikes, everything else we have done with instructors. I think it's important for kids to have coaches and to learn some stuff from people other than their parents because parents are not always the best teachers. So there's no reason you can't do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a city girl but we always took time to spend outdoors; my parents were actually huge into camping. IMO, it's very important for kids to be outside, be active, play in the dirt not only for physical benefits but also for emotional and immunity reasons. It would make me sad if H wouldn't want to spend time outdoors and play sports with the kids. House maintenance is not that important, this can be outsourced.

So basically you're telling OP she's screwed except for house maintenance?

[Anonymous]

I don’t really think it’s fair to expect your DH to do those things with your kids when you don’t, either. I’m the outdoorsy one, so I’m the one that gardens, takes the kids to nature areas, etc. DH is great at playing with toys, which I hate doing, so it balances out.

I have found a couple things that work:

1. I do as much outdoors stuff as possible, and DH eventually tags along. For example, I started doing a long evening walk every night. DH stayed home at first but now tags along. He still complains the entire time, but oh well....

2. Whenever a mutual male friend of ours does something “manly”, I fawn over it. “Katie’s husband build an entire raised garden for her, I’m so impressed he did that, she’s so lucky to have him”. “Denise’s husband took them camping last weekend, check out their pictures” (show pics of her husband shirtless and doing manly things). You don’t want to overdo it, but do just enough to trigger that male competitiveness.

[Anonymous]

Sign your kids up for Boy Scouts / Girl Scouts starting in kindergarten and there will be other parents who can help teach your kids outdoorsy things.
When it is safe again, get your kids swimming lessons.
When they are elementary age, do a class or a few lessons of tennis, golf, and skiing. If they like one of them, you can pursue it more. They don’t need to do all 3, but having 1 they can do adequately is useful.

Teach your kids financial literacy and how to cook.

[Anonymous]

I grew up without learning how to be handy- military brat who always lived in rentals/base housing so we never had to fix much. I learned through YouTube and by calling my father in law (who enjoys feeling helpful- I don't need him any more, but still call). Start with small easy project and work your way up. Don't get involved in things that can do real damage to your house at first and accept that not everything will look perfect while you're learning

[Anonymous]

Your complaint seems to be that your DH doesn't know how to do those things, isn't interested in learning, and that you expect him to take the lead on many of these things. And you aren't doing those things either because you also don't know how. That seems like a double-standard. If you are willing to learn as you say, then do it! Then you can be the one to teach your kids if it's that important to you. Why would they only learn these things from DH?

The great thing about kids is that they don't care how good you are at anything, especially kids as young as yours. Who care if you don't have a green thumb? Just get plant some seeds and see what happens! The planting and watering will be so much fun for your kids, even if the plant never grows well. You can also take lessons to learn to swim and ride a bike. Then you enroll your kids in swim lessons (and bike lessons if needed). And if your kids see you educating yourself and attempting to do things that you've never done before, they may be more willing to do the same themselves. Being resourceful and self-reliant is a great thing to pass on your kids.

[Anonymous]

Do your children do any sports or physical activities?

[Anonymous]

Enrolling in a Scouting program is a good way for the kids to develop an appreciation for outdoor activities and learn some basic outdoor skills. At the elementary school level, these programs all rely on parental involvement, so you and/or your DH will need to participate with the kids.

I also think it's totally OK for you to say that you don't know how to do these things either, but you want to learn along with your kids. Pick a project like planting a small garden - it can even just be a few pots of herbs, or some fall flowers like marigolds planted around the edge of the yard.

When things get back to normal, Home Depot has really good kids classes on Saturday for basic woodworking / painting type things.

Outsourcing lessons for swimming, skiing, golf, bike riding, etc is all totally fine.