Why do so many people divorce when kids are under 3 yo?

[Anonymous]

I have 2 kids under 7 and things are not rosy with my DH, it is hard, I get it, but I would never have imagined divorce when kids were even younger. It seems like such a gamble, exhausting, you know you need to be a team, our couple was indeed not doing great but we didn’t have time to focus on one another so I would not have taken a radical decision at that moment.

Why do you think people (or why did you) decide to divorce when kids are still toddlers ? You thought you finally saw who your DW or DH really was? He/she was such a jerk than being on your own seemed easier ? Tell me?

Question is prompted by a friend who just texted me that she is going to divorce, I am a bit blindsided. I want to pickup phone and say “DONT it is tough now but it will get better, as a principle don’t get divorce during those tough early years, it WILL get better“. But I’d love more perspective before I call her. (Will check but I am 99% sure there is no abuse or serious behavior/financial reasons, probably newly discovered incompatibility)

[Anonymous]

Women get hormone problem and depression

[Anonymous]

I was slammed into a door repeatedly in front of our child. Most women I know that left with young kids were abused mentally or physically. Had nothing to do with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Women didn't want to be married in the first place. They just wanted babies. Once they get those, they don't need the marriage anymore

[Anonymous]

My husband cheated on me (again) and decided he preferred life with the affair partner and no kids to take care of.

[Anonymous]

I have friends that did this with kids 3 and 4. They present a united, friendly image to everyone for their kids’ sake, but the mom confided there was ongoing infidelity. (On DHs part not hers)

[Anonymous]

If you don’t have kids before you marry, there’s no way to truly know how your spouse will be as a parent and as a partner once you have kids. Some people utterly fail as partners once kids are in the picture, not just because they don’t step up, but also because they have no interest in stepping up. If your spouse has made clear that they have no interest in being an equal partner, why prolong the inevitable?

[Anonymous]

Before giving her unsolicited advice, ask your friend how she’s doing and LiSTEN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me (again) and decided he preferred life with the affair partner and no kids to take care of.

I should note that even though I didn’t want the divorce, after about 6-9 months I realized my life was actually MUCH easier once divorced. Not as easy as it would have been with an involved, caring partner-but much easier than it was coping with 80% of the kid work AND managing the moods of a manchild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before giving her unsolicited advice, ask your friend how she’s doing and LiSTEN.

Op here, well noted. And that’s what I was going for anyway. But would still love more perspectives

[Anonymous]

OP, please do not offer advice if you don't know her particular situation.

Just call her and listen. Then ask her if there is anything you can help her with.

Some marriages are so toxic that it would be horrible for you to try to persuade someone to stay a little longer.

Now if she shares her issues with you, and you are confident that she is telling you the whole story(be careful here because many people don't- they are ashamed to admit that they have been abused, cheated on several times etc) maybe you can offer some advice. Even then I would suggest they try therapy and not necessarily tell her to stay.

One of my friends who was cheated on several times -her husband slept with several prostitutes. It took her almosst 6 months for her to tell me the whole story. She started out by saying the guy cheated once. Imagine if I was telling her to see if they can work things through. I stayed neutral just emphasizing that I was there if she needed me.

One of my relative "tried" to divorce her husband several times because he was a "baby" who did not help around the house". When she finally made up her mind, he bought a gun and started threatening her and their kids. We later found out that he had been verbal abusive(cursing at her daily, criticising everything she tried to accomplish etc) for most of the 10 years they were married. Everyone was shocked because he was very sweet to her and their kids in the presence of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me (again) and decided he preferred life with the affair partner and no kids to take care of.

This is also my situation.

[Anonymous]

I agree with all the pps. Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. People are very different than their public persona. I’ve been shocked at some of the people I learned were serial cheaters or abusers. You often don’t know. People suffer in silence much of the time.

[Anonymous]

The idea to do it early is to minimize the impact on the kids. If it's before 3 yo, it's very likely the kids will only remember their parents being divorced, and it's their normal.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes it doesn't get better. I applaud someone for doing it before they are permanently bitter and can move on successfully. Too many people wait much too long.