Why do so many people divorce when kids are under 3 yo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some men can’t give up the frat boy life and don’t want to be a real father. Some women become nothing but a mother and forget about being a lover. Being a father/husband and a mother/wife takes a lot of adjustments and work and all of the learning is on the job.

Exactly this.

Couples need to carve out time to take care of each other. Even if you need space from your partner, your partneray still need help and intimacy

[Anonymous]

Like others he was cheating and wanted his affair partner. I was dealing with a difficult 2.5 year old and a medically fragile infant. He could have been doing her in the living room and I probably wouldn’t have noticed.

[Anonymous]

2nd time cheater (that I know of) contracted STD. Not willing to have that for the rest of my life, especially given the cheater track record, divorced.

Have since learned that kids do much better when parents divorce before they are 4. So, even though it was hard, it was better for my kids than me being married to a cheating douchebag. Totally absentee dad so the kids were better off in a lot of ways.

[Anonymous]

I got tired of being yelled at, bullied, and demeaned in front of DD. She started developing anxiety and I realized she would end up modeling our relationship in her future ones.

DD was way happier after the split. Talked about how much better it is for us to have separate houses and she got visibly uncomfortable when xH and I were together.

[Anonymous]

It was our second child so we both knew what challenges to expect. My ex told me that sex was always a means to an end and now that we had a girl and a boy she had no more use for it.

Tried for two years to make it work but it was never going to happen. Still, I'm glad we were all together for the initial baby years at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids under 7 and things are not rosy with my DH, it is hard, I get it, but I would never have imagined divorce when kids were even younger. It seems like such a gamble, exhausting, you know you need to be a team, our couple was indeed not doing great but we didn’t have time to focus on one another so I would not have taken a radical decision at that moment.

Why do you think people (or why did you) decide to divorce when kids are still toddlers ? You thought you finally saw who your DW or DH really was? He/she was such a jerk than being on your own seemed easier ? Tell me?

Question is prompted by a friend who just texted me that she is going to divorce, I am a bit blindsided. I want to pickup phone and say “DONT it is tough now but it will get better, as a principle don’t get divorce during those tough early years, it WILL get better“. But I’d love more perspective before I call her. (Will check but I am 99% sure there is no abuse or serious behavior/financial reasons, probably newly discovered incompatibility)

You no longer have all kids under 3 and it hasn’t gotten better for you so why are you so sure it would get better for her? Maybe you are just delaying the inevitable and she isn’t? Maybe she’s actually doing the smarter thing for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gained weight

That's not true. A lot of married guys go for bbw. They say no fat chicks but it's a lie.

The men who married non-bbw wifes really don't go for bbw. Otherwise, they would have married their bbw girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Because kids are hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very common time for men to cheat. Often but not always, couples completely neglect their intimate life and after years of it, men start thinking with their little brains.

Women cheat at almost the same rate as men. Which brain are they thinking with?

Not many moms with a <3 yo are out there cheating... sex is the LAST thing on their minds... which is precisely why so man dads with a <3 yo are out there cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband cheated on me (again) and decided he preferred life with the affair partner and no kids to take care of.

I should note that even though I didn’t want the divorce, after about 6-9 months I realized my life was actually MUCH easier once divorced. Not as easy as it would have been with an involved, caring partner-but much easier than it was coping with 80% of the kid work AND managing the moods of a manchild.

I didn't have to deal with an unfaithful partner, but 100% yes on the whole life is easier with a child and no partner than life with a child and a giant manbaby who needs constant tending to and in no way meets the definition of "partner."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The idea to do it early is to minimize the impact on the kids. If it's before 3 yo, it's very likely the kids will only remember their parents being divorced, and it's their normal.

+1 My dd is 12 as we’re going through this and she figured out that dad cheated without my saying a word. She’s made comments that show that she knows he’d rather spend time with his friends than his actual family, and that he needs to act more like a grown up. I never wanted her to know these things, but she’s lived it, and you can’t hide this stuff from a kid old enough to see and understand what’s going on.

+2

[Anonymous]

It seems ridiculous and obnoxious to say it "WILL get better" as blanket statement. I know plenty of instances where it got worse and a friend would have been better off divorcing when the kids were young.

[Anonymous]

In one case, because the person's true colors and mental health issues exploded when child happened to be 1 year old. Divorce would have happened regardless of what age the child was.

It could also be that only when a couple is tested through having a child together do the incompatibilities surface or become clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 kids under 7 and things are not rosy with my DH, it is hard, I get it, but I would never have imagined divorce when kids were even younger. It seems like such a gamble, exhausting, you know you need to be a team, our couple was indeed not doing great but we didn’t have time to focus on one another so I would not have taken a radical decision at that moment.

Why do you think people (or why did you) decide to divorce when kids are still toddlers ? You thought you finally saw who your DW or DH really was? He/she was such a jerk than being on your own seemed easier ? Tell me?

Question is prompted by a friend who just texted me that she is going to divorce, I am a bit blindsided. I want to pickup phone and say “DONT it is tough now but it will get better, as a principle don’t get divorce during those tough early years, it WILL get better“. But I’d love more perspective before I call her. (Will check but I am 99% sure there is no abuse or serious behavior/financial reasons, probably newly discovered incompatibility)

You no longer have all kids under 3 and it hasn’t gotten better for you so why are you so sure it would get better for her? Maybe you are just delaying the inevitable and she isn’t? Maybe she’s actually doing the smarter thing for all involved.

oh no, it has gotten way better for me and we are working to keep improving (therapy for the past year, we wouldnt even have had the mindspace for therapy before). And I agree with everyone saying i just need to listen and i have no clue what is going on. I appreciate the advice and will def follow it.

My DH and i don't have any major issues. It just felt blah, disconnected, we both felt unappreciated and overwhelmed by requirements. What i would call the usual. But to the point that you could still wonder "why stay married to that grumpy partner i dont connect with". And it takes work to get out of this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a very common time for men to cheat. Often but not always, couples completely neglect their intimate life and after years of it, men start thinking with their little brains.

Did you notice thus is about kids under 3? So 1-2 years of marriage only. That’s very early to lose the thrill. And he’s an a@@hole if he can’t understand the recovery after pregnancy (no sex 6-8 weeks and complications).

You do know not everyone pops out kids the second they get married?

NP +1

The first PP seems to think that people meet someone random, accidentally get pregnant, and then marry the person while pregnant the day before they pop out the baby.

Some of us are together and even married for several (or even many) years before we think we have a good choice of partner for creating a family.