Why are most couples so competitive?

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand why once we get past the honeymoon stage and get comfortable all we do is compete with each other and try and win. I see this so much with everyone. My husband and I will argue about who’s right and that’s pretty much the only arguments we have. I will even go as far as researching evidence in texts or screenshots to prove I’m right. It’s just one big competition!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why once we get past the honeymoon stage and get comfortable all we do is compete with each other and try and win. I see this so much with everyone. My husband and I will argue about who’s right and that’s pretty much the only arguments we have. I will even go as far as researching evidence in texts or screenshots to prove I’m right. It’s just one big competition!

Not all couples are this way.

My husband and I are sometimes competitive, but it tends to either be about dumb stuff that doesn't really matter (like who can run a faster mile, or who has the best banana bread recipe), or about something that is triggering insecurity in one of us. For instance, he is sometimes competitive about parenting with me because our kids are still very much in the early "mommy is the favorite" stage and I know it sometimes hurts his feelings that they often prefer me for things like bedtimes or consoling them when they get hurt. But I don't take it personally when he does this and recognize it's coming from a good impulse (he wants his kids to love and trust him).

I think if you are keeping it light, competition doesn't have to be a bad thing. But if you are keeping score on everything, or if one of you gets mad when you "lose", it's an indication that you have trust and communication issues and you should probably find a way to address it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why once we get past the honeymoon stage and get comfortable all we do is compete with each other and try and win. I see this so much with everyone. My husband and I will argue about who’s right and that’s pretty much the only arguments we have. I will even go as far as researching evidence in texts or screenshots to prove I’m right. It’s just one big competition!

Speak for yourself OP. Maybe you are just two jerks.

[Anonymous]

DH and I are research scientists, and if we disagree on something, we'll of course back up our arguments with data. But it's not in a competitive spirit: it's about finding out whether there is a right answer, not who has the right answer. Sometimes there isn't one, anyway.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don’t ever recall trying to compete with my husband. It may be one of the reasons we’ve been happily married for a very long time.

[Anonymous]

We have other issues, but we are not competitive. How are you seeing this with everyone?

[Anonymous]

What are you talking about? You don’t speak for us at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly don’t ever recall trying to compete with my husband. It may be one of the reasons we’ve been happily married for a very long time.

+1. I'm not competitive with my husband ever. We are both very competitive with other people, but never with each other. He is my best friend and we win together.

[Anonymous]

Huh? Dh and I are both type A but don’t compete with each other. It helps that we have very different fields that we work in. Dh is on my side. It’s us against the kids.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, we are a team together not against each other.

[Anonymous]

Another one who doesn't relate at all. I've dated men like this, but it never worked out because I am not competitive in relationships and that's a huge turnoff. I can't imagine being MARRIED to someone who wants to compete with me. We may have some minor issues but this is one I stayed FAR away from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another one who doesn't relate at all. I've dated men like this, but it never worked out because I am not competitive in relationships and that's a huge turnoff. I can't imagine being MARRIED to someone who wants to compete with me. We may have some minor issues but this is one I stayed FAR away from.

Typing Married in all caps doesn't make you more married.

[Anonymous]

It's normal to bicker. A strong foundation of respect keeps it from going bad. Read the empowered wife for tools

[Anonymous]

Uh. What? Never heard of that. Why would you compete with your spouse, of all people?

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I have issues in our marriage, some of them very significant but competition isn't even remotely on the radar. I have never heard of this being an issue.