Why are most couples so competitive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why once we get past the honeymoon stage and get comfortable all we do is compete with each other and try and win. I see this so much with everyone. My husband and I will argue about who’s right and that’s pretty much the only arguments we have. I will even go as far as researching evidence in texts or screenshots to prove I’m right. It’s just one big competition!

Not all couples are this way.

My husband and I are sometimes competitive, but it tends to either be about dumb stuff that doesn't really matter (like who can run a faster mile, or who has the best banana bread recipe), or about something that is triggering insecurity in one of us. For instance, he is sometimes competitive about parenting with me because our kids are still very much in the early "mommy is the favorite" stage and I know it sometimes hurts his feelings that they often prefer me for things like bedtimes or consoling them when they get hurt. But I don't take it personally when he does this and recognize it's coming from a good impulse (he wants his kids to love and trust him).

I think if you are keeping it light, competition doesn't have to be a bad thing. But if you are keeping score on everything, or if one of you gets mad when you "lose", it's an indication that you have trust and communication issues and you should probably find a way to address it.

Not to derail the thread, but you don’t have to let the kids do this. Do they get plenty of time with him alone? Like half days or more at a time? My kids come to whoever’s around for comfort, and if they were preferring one parent over the other (they probably preferred mom under 2 y.o.) we’d try to change that. At bedtime, for example, you get whichever parent is doing bedtime that night.

Lol to this totally unnecessary advice. I said our kids sometimes express a preference for me, not that we always accommodate that preference. It's very normal for kids to prefer one parent over the other at certain points, and it's not abnormal at all for it to be mom when they are particularly young. Some kids might stop doing it at 2 but there are plenty of kids who are like this until middle school. It just depends on parenting styles and the kids personalities and who takes on which parenting tasks.

But yes, we take turns doing bedtimes and reading stories and consoling our kids and making them meals and all the things. That doesn't stop our 3-year-old from often crying that she wants mommy instead. We plow right ahead, but of course that doesn't feel great to my husband, especially when he is such an involved father.

Listen, kids are gonna kid. My 3-year-old is also in a phase of only eating white or beige food , no matter how varied or colorful the meals we serve her. I just watched her pick grains of rice out from between peas and carrots and chicken for a half hour. She'll grow out of it. Sometimes the best thing you can do is wait it out and not make a big deal out of it.

[Anonymous]

Never with us. We have very different strengths and weaknesses and we really appreciate that we cover for each other. We do enjoy wrestling in bed so I guess we do compete. Both of us like being pinned down.

[Anonymous]

Never with us either. DW is great in lots of things and I am happy for that. I like to think I am good at somethings and she is happy with that as well.

[Anonymous]

my husband and I are not competitive with each other. But we’re not really competitive in general, either - both type B.

[Anonymous]

Only assholes do this. Normals don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

We are both competitive and goal oriented but not with each other. That probably happens when you are the road to divorce.

[Anonymous]

It's just you, OP.

[Anonymous]

We're both lawyers, what can I say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're both lawyers, what can I say?

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry for you then.

I'm an engineer, and I cant imagine being married to another engineer. It would just be too nerdy around here.

[Anonymous]

As Larry David said on on CYE: "I'm married. I have a rival, not a partner!" So true.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I worked in the same laboratory for our entire 30+ year careers. I was a widebody microprogrammer and software developer, she a software tester. Different worlds far, far apart. We NEVER talked about work!

[Anonymous]

My husband and I aren't like this at all and I am a very competitive person.

[Anonymous]

We are super competitive when we workout!

We were both former athletes and I was the youngest of 3. My siblings and I got (and get along) great and we competed at everything growing up. It was fun.

My boys are 2.5 years apart and make a game out of doing this too. They almost never fight, but are super competitive at sports and board games. Family trait.

They are compassionate and nice kids—-always the teammate comforting the teammate upset by a mistake.

Healthy competition is good IMO.

I used it to my advantage when my boys were young—who could get ready fastest one the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As Larry David said on on CYE: "I'm married. I have a rival, not a partner!" So true.

I love this and Larry David

[Anonymous]

Life is one long competition but we are very good about not being that way at home. It would be too exhausting!