How to raise “popular” kids?

[Anonymous]

I have a kid who has always been popular. Since he was in preschool, he has always had a lot of friends and seems to gravitate towards “popular” kids. He has an older brother so I guess he always had the latest and greatest. My popular middle child has always been super well liked by everyone.

I have two other kids and they are the same in terms of looks, athletic ability, rich, well dressed, etc but they don’t seem to have the same charisma to attract the other “popular” kids. My other two kids are probably also in the “popular “ groups but they are not the main.

[Anonymous]

So much if of it is genetic and from birth. A charisma of sorts. Dd has two friends that have it, they are just chill kids but not aloof. Nice, well spoken, look at you when they speak and when you speak, can crack simple jokes in the right moment. Kids are 9.
My dad is like that too. Kids like him and adults trust him. My mom is all bristly and I'm in between. Tried so hard as a kid and then learned to not seem desperate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, troll, but for the most part, this can't be engineered.

It comes out pretty early on (like in daycare) which kids are the popular social ringleader types, usually without parent intervention.

This. Its amazing what is innate in kids. Some kids are "mean girls" by age 4. Not intentionally but they are naturally confident, outspoken, extroverted and kids look to them for guidance and they haven't learned yet how to temper this. Being naturally attractive helps too. I think most true introverts will have a much harder go of this. Kids just seem to gravitate to the ring leader in the class.

Yes, this part is true, BUT. Not all confident/outspoken kids are popular.
I've seen a bunch of confident/outspoken 4th/5th graders who don't pick up on social cues. They shout answers, they shove their way to the front of the line, etc.

I do think they key to popularity is being socially intelligent while also being gregarious.

This. Tracy Flick was extroverted but no one liked her

[Anonymous]

Pp with popular middle child. I think popular kids hang out with other very social likable popular kids so together, they are super social and always have social plans.

My one child is an introvert and equally or more talented, better looking, athletic but he doesn’t like to go out all the time and hangs out with other smart, athletic nice kids who don’t make socializing their priority.

[Anonymous]

DS is popular and it definitely had zero to do with DH and me. We are both pretty introverted and did zero social engineering. DS, on the other hand, is extroverted. Kids have always just seemed drawn to him and he's easily made friends. He has a wide range of interests which seems to have helped from an early age.

I think a lot probably depends on the school dynamics too. DS' school had 4 elementary schools come together for middle school and then go on to high school. So it's the same group of kids since 6th grade. Pretty much everyone knows each other and there is no "popular" group in the sense of the stereotypical exclusionary mean girl group that I saw growing up.

The only "social engineering" DH and I have done is that we have flexible schedules so from a young age we've been able to have DS involved in various activities and have him get together with friends often.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of this is subjective and context dependent.

Schools with good culture tend to have many kids of all kinds (sporty or artsy or shy or bold and everywhere in between) who are well liked by everyone, because the school encourages camaraderie. It also helps when the school doesn't preference, for instance, athleticism over other good qualities -- schools that celebrate the robot club as much as the track team tend to encourage kids to appreciate all sorts of people and not just worship the outgoing athletes. So it's possible for your kid to be bad at sports and on the quiet side and still be "popular" and have plenty of friends and be well liked by classmates. I have a kid like this and she gets invited on lots of playdates and recently was selected by her classmates to represent them at a ceremony. She's quirky and quiet but that's not a bad thing at her school.

She also has classmates who are outgoing athletes and they are also well liked and popular.

There are also some kids at her school whose parents clearly subscribe to more of an 80s sitcom idea of popularity, and the irony there is that they are NOT popular. Like there is an upper grade student who is a phenomenal athlete and a fantastic student, but she's not well liked at all. She has a group of 3 or 4 friends who worship her and she has an extremely superior and negative attitude and is known to openly criticize other kids in front of even teachers and parents.

When she was in earlier grades, she was more "popular" in part because she's obviously a smart and talented kid and I think people were drawn to her confidence. But now most kids steer clear of her and her friends because they are known for being nasty and competitive and that's just not what most kids (or parents) want to be around.

I blame the parents for not teaching her humility or to appreciate the positive qualities of others. Some of it might be innate but I think she could have been trained to be more empathetic or at least more pleasant and polite. She may go far in life because she's got a lot of gifts, but I don't think she'll ever be truly well liked.

[Anonymous]

The popular kids in high school tend to have extremely lenient parents.

[Anonymous]

get them involved in popular sports , ensure they keep up their appearances, make sure they have the latest fashion

[Anonymous]

Trust their judgment and don’t try to control.

The clothes and sports help but they don’t make or break - it just gets them in the vicinity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:get them involved in popular sports , ensure they keep up their appearances, make sure they have the latest fashion

Ok Jan. Taking notes now

[Anonymous]

Like, our country is burning.. and this is your question? Why..

[Anonymous]

This athletics bs is so tired. Who cares about creativity? Sports! Winning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Extroverted and social. Good-looking and dressed in up-to-date/cool clothing styles and brands. Smart, well-rounded, and high-achieving are important too, especially in wealthier areas like ours. I grew up in a pretty rich suburb and there was definitely a large popular clique in all the honors/AP classes. Even the “nerdy” high-achieving kids had a certain amount of status from being near the top of the class.

For boys: Athletic, a house full of the latest video games, funny and laid back.

For girls: Being athletic is a little less important but can still be a positive. I think the popularity criteria for boys is relatively consistent through life, but there comes a time when girls start to value being stylish, up to date on pop culture, and a little more snarky and grown-up. I’d say that starts sometime around 4th-5th grade and carries until maybe junior year of high school, when there tends to be a bit of a “mellowing out” period.

yep. i think this is pretty true.

I have an 8th grade boy who became popular in our upper middle class suburbs. He's athletic, very smart but disguised behind laid back jock persona. He's attractive but not striking. One of the older kids in the grade. Very into saving up to get the in-style clothing. I'm watching and educating him on being a good decision maker and not going with group think- concerned about the risk taking behaviors these kids can get into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The popular kids in high school tend to have extremely lenient parents.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think most of it is natural. Parents start early with making social connections.

In middle school, they let their kid act older than they are. They encourage early "dating" and let their daughters wear questionable attire for an 11 year old.....something you'd expect on a 17 year old.

The "popular" kids at our school aren't the nice ones of even the nicest. However, they have created enough buzz about themselves that others will flock to be included.

This. I know someone grooming her child to be popular. Started the kid in cheer at the earliest age and posts photos of the kids now in first grade doing her own makeup, which looks heavier than my own, and wearing clothes meant for a teenager.

+2