Excluded from mourning

[Anonymous]

Were a bunch of responses deleted from this post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

....I work with grieving families every day. We spend a lot of time in Hospice talking about the grieving process and helping our families understand that there is no right way to grieve. For you to suggest that "it's time to move on" shows a stunning lack of empathy that actually makes me think you could be a sociopath. Please don't ever share your feelings on grief with someone who has suffered loss. Most people never, ever "get over it".


+1. I also have worked with hindreds of families grieving lost ones. I agree with PP and would just lime to add — there is no one way to mourn. Some people have rituals - elaborate or simple, daily or yearly. Some people cry. Some people don’t. Some people visit garves. Some people don’t even have graves or bodies. Some people want to remember, others want to forget.

The best, most supportive thing we can do is listen and allow people to do whatever they need to do without judging that they are mourning correctly or incorrectly or in a healthy or unhealthy way.

-1 I've also worked with hundreds of grieving families and I disagree that it is acceptable to stand by and ignore when someone is grieving in an unhealthy way. Where did you people do your training? SMH It is not unreasonable for OP to want to understand more about her DH's grief. It is not unreasonable for her to question his turning away from her and to another woman for comfort - for 17 years! This absolutely call for working with a skilled counselor.

Who died and appointed you vice president in charge of healthy grieving? Where did YOU do your training? Did they teach you to grade people on how they grieve? Like, guy A gets a B+ for healthy mourning, but guy B gets an F because he likes to get drunk once a year? Jeez woman.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are clearly uncomfortable about the fact that there is a part of your husband's life that you cannot penetrate. Work on figuring our why. You are a married couple, not Siamese twins. It's OK to have pockets of life that your spouse does not share. Tame your instinct to own. If he thought you would support him in healing and mourning, he would have turned to you. Accept that you cannot.

[Anonymous]

In fact, I think your main mistake is forcing your way to the cemetery, for what? So you can watch them hug and cry? Did you enjoy that visual? Are you feeling better now that you have it? No. You tortured yourself for no reason. Don't come next time. Do something else. Let the man escape the intensity of your gaze for a few hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In fact, I think your main mistake is forcing your way to the cemetery, for what? So you can watch them hug and cry? Did you enjoy that visual? Are you feeling better now that you have it? No. You tortured yourself for no reason. Don't come next time. Do something else. Let the man escape the intensity of your gaze for a few hours.

this.. How awful for his ex wife to know his current wife is in sitting in the car watching her relive the worst moment of her life. You sound awful OP. your DH is too good for you.

[Anonymous]

It seems excessive to me. Not to diminish their pain, but by going there every year they are just reopening the wound and not moving on. I wonder if they would get it over it better by not grieving together? Is she clinging to him through the lost child? 17 years is a long time to have not moved on in some way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems excessive to me. Not to diminish their pain, but by going there every year they are just reopening the wound and not moving on. I wonder if they would get it over it better by not grieving together? Is she clinging to him through the lost child? 17 years is a long time to have not moved on in some way.

+1 Time for a new ritual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems excessive to me. Not to diminish their pain, but by going there every year they are just reopening the wound and not moving on. I wonder if they would get it over it better by not grieving together? Is she clinging to him through the lost child? 17 years is a long time to have not moved on in some way.

Same reaction here, but I haven’t experienced this pain firsthand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems excessive to me. Not to diminish their pain, but by going there every year they are just reopening the wound and not moving on. I wonder if they would get it over it better by not grieving together? Is she clinging to him through the lost child? 17 years is a long time to have not moved on in some way.

What makes you think they haven't moved on? Commemorating the baby one day a year doesn't really show "not moving on." OP's husband in fact seems to have moved on - he married and had his own kids. Why can't he have one day to mourn the way he wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems excessive to me. Not to diminish their pain, but by going there every year they are just reopening the wound and not moving on. I wonder if they would get it over it better by not grieving together? Is she clinging to him through the lost child? 17 years is a long time to have not moved on in some way.

Same reaction here, but I haven’t experienced this pain firsthand.

The thing is, there’s no one else for them to share that loss with. If the child had been 10, other people would’ve known him and they can share their loss with the community. Other people would miss the child too. But right now if they share their loss with anyone else, they’ll get a vague “I’m sorry for your loss (but I never met the baby so I have no personal sense of loss, and it’s been 17 years so get over it already).” So one day a year, they’re turning to the only person who understands their pain and commemorating the loss of their child. It’s not really something you get over, or at least it’s not for everyone.

I lost an infant almost that long ago and I still do things to remember her on the anniversary. I’m glad to see so many feel I’m behaving in an unhealthy manner and I need to get over it. Thanks DCUM!

[Anonymous]

Dead child? What a gross troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In fact, I think your main mistake is forcing your way to the cemetery, for what? So you can watch them hug and cry? Did you enjoy that visual? Are you feeling better now that you have it? No. You tortured yourself for no reason. Don't come next time. Do something else. Let the man escape the intensity of your gaze for a few hours.

I'll take it a step further - if I was your husband, I'd be incredibly irritated that you insisted on intruding like this. Your insecurity has done you, and your marriage, no favors, OP.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has had losses. Never a reason to cast our your current spouse, or treat them unkindly.

OP needs to do something about this, it's inappropriate and weird. If it continues he needs to go with his spouse, but NOT leave her in the car. Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, grow up.

HER DH and his ex need to move on. His ex has a huge hold on OP's husband. Life is for the living, not living in what was or what might have been. I lost a child six weeks after birth and, yes, my DH and I died as well but we got intensive grief counselling and found a way forward. Yes, there is always a sadness and a hole in your heart but life goes on and the living must also go on.

I am sorry OP and I agree that you should also be included. I also think if your DH must visit gravesite, he goes with you, not ex.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here! Yikes I really mean well and wanted to help not hurt. I won't go to the graveyard again I was just curious to see the stone and learn more about him. I don't want to own him or his past just feel bad about his burden of loss.

Of course you want to help, OP. That's a wonderful motivation. But also take a look at how much maybe you want to control what's going on. It's uncomfortable to not have control over a difficult situation and sometimes our motivation to help is not just altruistic but it's also about being in control. Sit with the uncomfortable feelings of not being able to influence what is happening - and realize that this is your small sacrifice in helping your husband heal.