Excluded from mourning
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Anonymous
| 9:02 here. Wanted to add one thing- you mentioned wanting to help him heal. I know you mean well, but some things you don’t ever heal from. This ritual is his way of coping and feeling like he can at least keep the memory of his child alive. Please just let him have it and don’t push the issue anymore. |
Anonymous
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On that day, you need to create a ritual for yourself. He doesn't have to know the details. Start the day with a good breakfast, work out to clear your mind, do something relaxing midday, and end with a special treat for yourself. This way, when he returns, and possibly wants to share, you are ready. He doesn't need to know what you did, you just did something relaxing. You need to focus on reducing the anxiety surrounding this day.
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Anonymous
| Op here. We do have kids and as they get older I am not sure if we should talk about the baby or not. I think a lot of my curiosity on his grief is grounded in me learning how he was his legacy presented to our family. He's just not ready so that's ok. I think I am coming across as more needy and terrible than I am...i hope! |
Anonymous
It's not for YOU to decide whether YOUR HUSBAND wants to talk about HIS CHILD AND HIS LOSS with his living children. You're "curious" about his grief? You are gross. You sound 100% needy and terrible, so even if you are only 88% so, you're awful. |
Anonymous
| Here' the thing, OP, you will never ever understand. Unless, that is, you lose a child and pray that never happens. This is something that happened to him and his ex and it is up to him how he wants to handle it. It has really no bearing on you or your family now. If you want to support him, follow his cues. But seriously, you come across as needy and jealous--of a dead baby?!!! Ugh. |
Anonymous
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I dot think you're horrible, OP. It's a part of dh that you're not a part of, and never will be a part of. It's ok for him to have that for himself. As others have pointed out, grief is personal, and this is how he does it. If once a year he hugs this other woman for 20 minutes and talks about the worst day of their lives, it's ok . In some way, yes, it's intimate, but it's not any kind of betrayal or diminishes anything about you. You married someone with this "baggage" - it's not some shock being thrown at you.
I understand being curious. I understand that not being a part of it makes you feel left out of a part of him, and left not knowing what your role is. Your role is to support him, which means letting him do his grief thing and only sharing as much as he wants shared. Next time, send him off with a hug and a kiss, and greet him with a favorite comfort meal, and a sympathetic and patient ear. |
Anonymous
| I think your feelings are normal and very valid. I also think it's great that you are brave enough to acknowledge them. This is a part of your husband that you can't share. The pain of losing a child is nearly incomprehensibly. Your husband is sharing that pain with the only person on earth who can understand it. It is intimate. And it's hard to see your husband connect with someone else that way, even in tragedy. And especially with an ex-wife. I have no real advice, OP. I work in Hospice and can only tell you that there is no right way to grieve. There is no right way to honor those we have lost. It's highly personal. It sounds like this ritual is working for them right now. I don't think you are an awful person for feeling the way that you do. I do think that this will get easier as time passes. Maybe wait a few months and then ask your DH if he would like to tell you about the baby. If he doesn't want to share, then don't push. |
Anonymous
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I think it's weird - and my mother lost a child with her first husband.
She visits the child's gravesite but doesn't go out of her way to meet her ex there. They both have moved on and have their own families. I think my dad would be devasted if he saw this kind of intimacy with her ex. I think today we are too accepting of certain behaviors (i.e. Maintaining relationships with exes, being "friends" with interested parties) within the context of a marriage or committed relationship. It's part of the reason why they're on the decline as well. I understand they have this ritual but it's not ok to exclude you. |
Anonymous
| He only visits his child’s grave once a year? |
Anonymous
| Normal OP. Your DH's coping mechanism with his EX - they will always share a profound loss as parents that no one can relate to. Also normal is your recognition of a different type of intimacy because of it. Just don't grow jealous over something like this. Trust me, no spouse/parent wants to go through the pain necessary to feel the "intimate connection" a child that has died creates in a marriage. |
Anonymous
It is something he and his ex wife have to live with for the rest of their lives. I cannot imagine the pain they must feel over their loss. Life goes on. He married you and has a life and future with you. By meeting once a year at the graveside, they have found a way to honor and remember their child while still carrying on their lives. |
Anonymous
| Op here. Thanks for all the perspectives. Dh and mother of his child were never married FYI. They were college students and casually dated. I used the word intimate meaning it was a very deep embrace and sorrowful moment. I didn't use the word intimate in a jealous or spiteful way. I should have described it different. |
Anonymous
Do you think that means he only thinks about his deceased child once a year, moron? People grieve in different ways. One is no closer in one's mind or heart to a lost loved one if one is standing over a grave than if you are standing in line at Starbucks. Get real. |
Anonymous
Its across the country. Do you want monthly flights? |
Anonymous
My sister died when she was six and my parents never returned to the cemetery. |