Excluded from mourning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Thanks for all the perspectives. Dh and mother of his child were never married FYI. They were college students and casually dated. I used the word intimate meaning it was a very deep embrace and sorrowful moment. I didn't use the word intimate in a jealous or spiteful way. I should have described it different.

I can tell you have only good intentions, op. A pp suggested making your own ritual for that day and preparing yourself to support dh when he returns. That is the best advice I've read here.

[Anonymous]

You are Concern Trolling, OP. You say you want to help but you won't accept his directly telling you what he wants. Because you are trying to make it about you. Listen to him and take him at his word.

This type of grief is NOT something you ever fully get over. It's not helped by sitting and watching someone cry from inside a car. All you can do is accept how the bereaved wants to cope.

[Anonymous]

I think it's normal to feel a bit jealous and excluded, and healthy to admit it (to yourself, to close friends). It would be extremely selfish and bad to try to make your DH feel guilty or like he wasn't allowed to grieve. The fact that you forced h to let you go to the grave suggests you've already started down the jealous route, acting like the evil stepmother of a *dead child.*

[Anonymous]

A couple of things op,. Stop bringing it up. He's made it clear on MANY occassions that he doesn't wish to discuss it. So just stop. No more tip toeing around the subject. Just don't bring it up. Don't keep asking to go when the answer has already been no. It's not about you

Dh suffered two tragic losses before I knew him. About the same timeline as you (marriage and all). Fortunately not as bad as the death of a child. He's dealt with those deaths in the best way possible and I'm proud of him for that.

On the anniversaries of those deaths, I just make the day as easy as possible. No stress with dinner, chores, DS, or how he spends his time. Some years henmay tell me a story about one of them. Some years we just watch TV together in silence. Some years he retreats to his office and looks through old photos and may talk to a buddy who knew them.

And that's what DH appreciates. That he can mourn how he needs to mourn and then wake up the next day and move on. It's always a part of him and it's something he thinks about through the day (especially after DS was born) but the only thing you can do is live your life in a way that would have made that person proud.

When we first started dating , i had a sense of sadness that I couldn't connect with DH on those anniversaries since we were not together at the time. But that was my own issue and now I know how DH wants to be "comforted" on thosedl days.

[Anonymous]

You need to let your DH mourn in his own way. This is in no way detracting from your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He only visits his child’s grave once a year?

Do you think that means he only thinks about his deceased child once a year, moron? People grieve in different ways. One is no closer in one's mind or heart to a lost loved one if one is standing over a grave than if you are standing in line at Starbucks. Get real.

+1000
Do you really need this explained?

[Anonymous]

You just need to shut up. Jealousy and pettiness are nasty. And you are both.

[Anonymous]

OP you dont get to choose how you give help...you help a person in a way that THEY want to be helped. Making emotional space is a way you can help your husband. You would prefer to give help in another way...but tough crap.

You are pushing a clear boundary that he has set. Not. Cool.

[Anonymous]

Have your own kids. You clearly don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your own kids. You clearly don’t.

Read the thread. They have 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He only visits his child’s grave once a year?

My sister died when she was six and my parents never returned to the cemetery.

That’s so sad. Poor little girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. We do have kids and as they get older I am not sure if we should talk about the baby or not. I think a lot of my curiosity on his grief is grounded in me learning how he was his legacy presented to our family. He's just not ready so that's ok. I think I am coming across as more needy and terrible than I am...i hope!

It's not for YOU to decide whether YOUR HUSBAND wants to talk about HIS CHILD AND HIS LOSS with his living children.

You're "curious" about his grief? You are gross.

You sound 100% needy and terrible, so even if you are only 88% so, you're awful.

I completely agree with other PPs that OP should just let her DH go in peace with his ex to mourn their child together.

BUT, I think the above is a little extreme. It's a reasonable question for OP to have to wonder how her DH wants to (or doesn't want to) share this part of his life with his kids. When and how much to share are entirely his decisions, and OP should go along with whatever he wants. But, it could be helpful for OP to use the way she has awkwardly inserted herself into this grieving ritual to apologize to her husband but also ask him how he wants to handle this issue with their own kids.

I would say something like this, "Going with you this morning made me realize that this ritual is something that you really need to do with Larla, the two of you together by yourselves. I'm sorry I pressured you into taking me. I feel like the death of Larlo is a big part of your past and thus who you are today, and so that's why I have been asking about it. Although I don't need to go with you to the gravesite, I do wonder how we should handle this with our own kids. Do you want to tell them at some point about Larlo? I want you to know that I feel XXXX about that (are you supportive? do you have a fear about this? do you think they should know but not until later?)

Personally, I don't think secrets are healthy in a family. If you are comfortable with your Ex talking about the prior marriage (in a way that doesn't demonize the previous wife) and the death of the child , I think that's better for the kids, but probably isn't appropriate or necessary until the kids hit adolescence, when dating and reproduction are more relevant topics to them. They will have Qs for the father throughout adolescence and adulthood -- why did you break up, what did you feel about the baby, what did you feel about me when I was born, how is marriage with Mom different, etc.

This really isn't any different than kids knowing parental history -- my kids know that I was in an abusive relationship and that I was engaged to that person many years before I met their dad.

[Anonymous]

It is clear that she is the love of his life and you are just a poor second choice. Their love couldn't survive the death of a child, but they still love each other and mourn not just the child they lost but the life they truly wanted. That is what you are worried about right? Why don't you just say it?

[Anonymous]

I firmly believe that some people cannot be married to people with "baggage" or "a past" or whatever you want to call it. They need to be married to their college sweethearts. There's nothing really wrong with that, and I suspect I may be one of them, but OP--you are too. So....I think you need to dig deep and figure out a way to cope with this part of yourself, because you married a man with a big, sad thing in his past and it's not about you, it'll never be about you, and you are gonna have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe you forced your way into their mourning of their dead baby, OP. You were curious about the gravestone? Are you kidding me? Let this go, don’t bring it up to your husband or your children, and let the man mourn. Not everything is about you, OP.