Excluded from mourning

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has had losses. Never a reason to cast our your current spouse, or treat them unkindly.

OP needs to do something about this, it's inappropriate and weird. If it continues he needs to go with his spouse, but NOT leave her in the car. Unbelievable.

Why? She has nothing to mourn; she doesn't have any connection with the dead child; she is intruding on the memories of an event that happened 10 years before her marriage, and not one of the two people involved wants her there. Her only reason for going is to exercise control over her husband, or to allay her own insecurities about her marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone not thought, “what a good man?” As a man with two kids, I have a connection with them that started when they were inside their mother. This could tear a couple apart and the fact that he honors the life of this child tells me of his goodness and sense of responsibility for the life he created.

Horse feathers! Why did they divorce if he's vso wonderful. He can visit the grave by himself. Something is going on.

Did you actually read the thread? It's a girlfriend from college. They were not married and he's not hung up. Nothing is going we Ed I redon.

An ex girl friend?! Not an ex wife? This gets curiosier and curiosier.

[Anonymous]

OP, your insistence on "being included" is nothing but your grasping for control. You have nothing to mourn; you've never met the child or spent time around him, you have no genetic connection to the child, and any "mourning" on your part would be fake, like a theater role to play. Your husband understands that and he doesn't need this from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very odd. Although we all grieve in our own way, after 17 years, I have to question why the need for an annual pilgrimage when you aren't local. I, unexpectedly, lost a baby shortly after birth. It was traumatic and devastating. I will never forget this child, her birthday or her death day. Whether I visit her grave or not makes no difference to her. My DD is gone. My resources are better directed to the living.

I have to wonder why your DH has this need. If he's truly grieving, he would benefit from counseling. Does he, somehow, have any responsibility for the DC's death? If it were my DH, I'd have a hard time not being resentful.

Maybe some people have more resources and time. How about they do what they want with their resources and time, and grieve in their way, without your questions or judgment?

I'm sorry for your loss, but you don't get to choose what is right for others.

....after 17 years it's time to move on. Besides, it's causing problems in OP's relationship. Past time to address it.

There is no "moving on" from the loss of a child. There is "learning to live with the loss" and "learning to cope," but there is never "moving on."

Losing a child is not something from which parents will ever recover fully because it is not natural to survive one's child. It is the loss of a dream, the loss of what would have been, the loss of the future. It is a pain that cannot be described, quantified, or qualified. It is a pain that leaves a hole in your heart, your gut, and your dreams. It is a pain that cannot be understood by anyone else.

Parents learn how to cope with their loss, but they will forever be changed by that loss. Forever.

Anniversaries of the child's death, birthdays, and "would be milestones " (such as first days of school, graduations, etc.) can be painful, often flooding the parent (s) with overwhelming feelings.

Even if you've also lost a child, you have no,right to judge another bereaved parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone has had losses. Never a reason to cast our your current spouse, or treat them unkindly.

OP needs to do something about this, it's inappropriate and weird. If it continues he needs to go with his spouse, but NOT leave her in the car. Unbelievable.

No, everyone has not lost a child.

Other losses are not comparable. I lost a child and will never be the same. I think the DH’s ritual is sweet and helpful. He clearly does
Not want to talk about it at all otherwise—this is a lovely way to make sure the babe is not forgotten. Healthier than what I do, which is periodically drink too much and break down into a hysterical mess in front of the few people who know about my loss (now that I have aged and changed cities).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very odd. Although we all grieve in our own way, after 17 years, I have to question why the need for an annual pilgrimage when you aren't local. I, unexpectedly, lost a baby shortly after birth. It was traumatic and devastating. I will never forget this child, her birthday or her death day. Whether I visit her grave or not makes no difference to her. My DD is gone. My resources are better directed to the living.

I have to wonder why your DH has this need. If he's truly grieving, he would benefit from counseling. Does he, somehow, have any responsibility for the DC's death? If it were my DH, I'd have a hard time not being resentful.

Maybe some people have more resources and time. How about they do what they want with their resources and time, and grieve in their way, without your questions or judgment?

I'm sorry for your loss, but you don't get to choose what is right for others.

....after 17 years it's time to move on. Besides, it's causing problems in OP's relationship. Past time to address it.

There is no "moving on" from the loss of a child. There is "learning to live with the loss" and "learning to cope," but there is never "moving on."

Losing a child is not something from which parents will ever recover fully because it is not natural to survive one's child. It is the loss of a dream, the loss of what would have been, the loss of the future. It is a pain that cannot be described, quantified, or qualified. It is a pain that leaves a hole in your heart, your gut, and your dreams. It is a pain that cannot be understood by anyone else.

Parents learn how to cope with their loss, but they will forever be changed by that loss. Forever.

Anniversaries of the child's death, birthdays, and "would be milestones " (such as first days of school, graduations, etc.) can be painful, often flooding the parent (s) with overwhelming feelings.

Even if you've also lost a child, you have no,right to judge another bereaved parent.

For the sake of curiosity, have you actually experienced the loss of a child or are you just repeating something you’ve read/heard?

Signed,

I’ve lost a child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it very odd. Although we all grieve in our own way, after 17 years, I have to question why the need for an annual pilgrimage when you aren't local. I, unexpectedly, lost a baby shortly after birth. It was traumatic and devastating. I will never forget this child, her birthday or her death day. Whether I visit her grave or not makes no difference to her. My DD is gone. My resources are better directed to the living.

I have to wonder why your DH has this need. If he's truly grieving, he would benefit from counseling. Does he, somehow, have any responsibility for the DC's death? If it were my DH, I'd have a hard time not being resentful.

Maybe some people have more resources and time. How about they do what they want with their resources and time, and grieve in their way, without your questions or judgment?

I'm sorry for your loss, but you don't get to choose what is right for others.

....after 17 years it's time to move on. Besides, it's causing problems in OP's relationship. Past time to address it.

There is no "moving on" from the loss of a child. There is "learning to live with the loss" and "learning to cope," but there is never "moving on."

Losing a child is not something from which parents will ever recover fully because it is not natural to survive one's child. It is the loss of a dream, the loss of what would have been, the loss of the future. It is a pain that cannot be described, quantified, or qualified. It is a pain that leaves a hole in your heart, your gut, and your dreams. It is a pain that cannot be understood by anyone else.

Parents learn how to cope with their loss, but they will forever be changed by that loss. Forever.

Anniversaries of the child's death, birthdays, and "would be milestones " (such as first days of school, graduations, etc.) can be painful, often flooding the parent (s) with overwhelming feelings.

Even if you've also lost a child, you have no,right to judge another bereaved parent.

For the sake of curiosity, have you actually experienced the loss of a child or are you just repeating something you’ve read/heard?

Signed,

I’ve lost a child

Yes, I too have lost a child. My words are from my experience, including how I've processed what I've learned both in my grief group and through my own reflection on my loss. I've spent many, many hours in reflection and contemplation while trying to learn to live with this reality.

I grew up surrounded by discussion of death and grief because I had a parent who was a hospice clinician. Even so, that didn't prepare me for my own grief from losing my baby. There was no way I could understand the type of grief I'd experience after my child died. It's an unprecedented level of pain.


I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there were comforting words, but I know too well that there are not. I am so sorry.