How to deal with in-laws who wont listen but want to watch 1 year old?

[Anonymous]

She wants a romantic vacation with DH. That's why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. Your husband stays home or your baby comes with. I understand the desire to have time away with him but given your choice now--piss off the in-laws, or (far worse) leave your baby with people you don't trust--this is not the getaway trip to take. I do not think you're being unreasonable.

I’m not an anxious person, but if I knew I was leaving my baby with people she wasn’t comfortable with, who were going to turn her schedule upside down, I would not enjoy one moment of the trip. You are not going to reconnect with DH. You’re going to be furious with his parents and mad at him for letting it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She wants a romantic vacation with DH. That's why.

Well, the only way to have a romantic vacation is when you have RELIABLE childcare. OP doesn't. The way she described it, I don't see why the option of leaving the child with them was even considered. OP, at this stage of your life, you simply can't have everything - make peace with it.

[Anonymous]

DCUM moms need to chill. Big time.

[Anonymous]

Either take the kid with you, or DH stays home.

[Anonymous]

OP here. After a discussion last night the grandparents have offered to watch her in our home for a two days in August while we out of town and to watch her in our home for the week in July our daycare closes. I will probably telework a day or two that week and be out of sight but observe how it goes. If she’s comfortable with them after that, we’ll ask them to watch her in our home and keep her in daycare. We will also have a third, younger family member with them. If she isn’t comfortable and happy with them or they won’t agree to that we will find a way to bring her.

It’s not that I want to galavant around Europe without my baby. It’s that my sisters wedding is an a remote area where I am not sure where I can find reliable childcare and I’m not sure we can afford to bring childcare on top of the trip. Me staying home isn’t an option unless I’m no longer interested in a relationship with my younger sister, who is sensitive and would not understand my not coming as our other sister has two babies under two and is going and leaving them with her IL. I would ask my DH to stay home but he thinks she will be fine if we are gone for 7 days, 4 of which she is in daycare for most of the day. Because he feels that way and wants to come, it’s hard for me to tell him he must stay home. I should also clarify my dd will not be unsafe with my in laws in any way. I just worry for her comfort level. Which is why we will do these trial runs first. If they don’t work out, we won’t leave her.

My sister asked me if this the wedding in Europe was okay when I was pregnant and I thought I’d be okay leaving her at 13/14 months. Turns out I should have waited to see how I’d feel about the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you made a good plan.

We have friends with young kids. They often leave them with family but say their sleep schedule and routines are always messed up when they return. Just saying you should expect that will be the case and can’t blame the ILs for that. ILs aren’t you or DH and of course will do things differently.

[Anonymous]

I think OP will still not feel good about this after the August trial run and I hope she effusively thanks the ILs regardless of how it all ends up. You are playing with fire with this family relationship, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHo has daycare workers watch their child for a week? It’s a baby, not a dog!

Bring the baby to the FAMILY wedding. See if family member she can arrange for babysitting/helping during the main festivities and for night after the baby has gone to bed.

When I took my 1.5 year old to a family weding, I kept losing him because all the relatives were passing him around.

This

It's a FAMILY wedding!!! I have a DD the same age. Take DD with you, get a baby sitter for the festivities, rehearsal dinner, wedding etc.

Plan a romantic getaway for another time when your parents can watch her.

No way I'd leave my DD for a week with an arrangement I am not happy with, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

They can always drive back and use the daycare if they are tired.

What does a state border matter?

Maybe it is nice at the vacation house?

I think that if you are not comfortable with letting them care for her, one of you has to bail on this family obligation. People do this all the time for their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. After a discussion last night the grandparents have offered to watch her in our home for a two days in August while we out of town and to watch her in our home for the week in July our daycare closes. I will probably telework a day or two that week and be out of sight but observe how it goes. If she’s comfortable with them after that, we’ll ask them to watch her in our home and keep her in daycare. We will also have a third, younger family member with them. If she isn’t comfortable and happy with them or they won’t agree to that we will find a way to bring her.

It’s not that I want to galavant around Europe without my baby. It’s that my sisters wedding is an a remote area where I am not sure where I can find reliable childcare and I’m not sure we can afford to bring childcare on top of the trip. Me staying home isn’t an option unless I’m no longer interested in a relationship with my younger sister, who is sensitive and would not understand my not coming as our other sister has two babies under two and is going and leaving them with her IL. I would ask my DH to stay home but he thinks she will be fine if we are gone for 7 days, 4 of which she is in daycare for most of the day. Because he feels that way and wants to come, it’s hard for me to tell him he must stay home. I should also clarify my dd will not be unsafe with my in laws in any way. I just worry for her comfort level. Which is why we will do these trial runs first. If they don’t work out, we won’t leave her.

My sister asked me if this the wedding in Europe was okay when I was pregnant and I thought I’d be okay leaving her at 13/14 months. Turns out I should have waited to see how I’d feel about the whole thing.

You know, people with little kids miss weddings. Your sister will be pissed, but that's the price of a "remote" wedding. That said, Europeans make babies and raise them in their "remote areas" so if your kid is healthy, what's the problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. After a discussion last night the grandparents have offered to watch her in our home for a two days in August while we out of town and to watch her in our home for the week in July our daycare closes. I will probably telework a day or two that week and be out of sight but observe how it goes. If she’s comfortable with them after that, we’ll ask them to watch her in our home and keep her in daycare. We will also have a third, younger family member with them. If she isn’t comfortable and happy with them or they won’t agree to that we will find a way to bring her.

It’s not that I want to galavant around Europe without my baby. It’s that my sisters wedding is an a remote area where I am not sure where I can find reliable childcare and I’m not sure we can afford to bring childcare on top of the trip. Me staying home isn’t an option unless I’m no longer interested in a relationship with my younger sister, who is sensitive and would not understand my not coming as our other sister has two babies under two and is going and leaving them with her IL. I would ask my DH to stay home but he thinks she will be fine if we are gone for 7 days, 4 of which she is in daycare for most of the day. Because he feels that way and wants to come, it’s hard for me to tell him he must stay home. I should also clarify my dd will not be unsafe with my in laws in any way. I just worry for her comfort level. Which is why we will do these trial runs first. If they don’t work out, we won’t leave her.

My sister asked me if this the wedding in Europe was okay when I was pregnant and I thought I’d be okay leaving her at 13/14 months. Turns out I should have waited to see how I’d feel about the whole thing.

OP, I'm the poster who wrote about MIL wanting to hit my child (which is why I have never left my children in her care EVER). In your case, I would be more concerned with your IL's ability to do 24 hour care. It's a lot. Heck my kids are in middle school and I honestly could not handle care of a toddler without a break myself at this point. I think you have a really good plan. I was also wondering if your sister dictated her wedding be no children? I assume she is not having flowergirls etc?

[Anonymous]

Clearly they don’t follow your rukes so I wouldn’t leave them with her. Do you really think they are going to take her to daycare?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can always drive back and use the daycare if they are tired.

What does a state border matter?

Maybe it is nice at the vacation house?

I think that if you are not comfortable with letting them care for her, one of you has to bail on this family obligation. People do this all the time for their kids.

OP here - This is true and would probably be what happened. The vacation house is just 2.5 hours away and they could drive back. In the end I think the issue is that my DH trusts them to take her, although he also thinks it would be better for them and her if she was in daycare. I know she would survive - they love her and they aren't going to feed her the wrong things or keep her up late or anything - it will just be more awkward. I think I just wanted advice on whether I was being unreasonable expecting them to stay in our house/take her to daycare. I'm not comfortable leaving her with them because its hard to leave her in the first place and they have a different parenting philosophy than we do. They are reliable in that my baby would be safe and cared for.

I'm not sure I'm more comfortable hiring a stranger to watch her for the wedding/reception/festivities (all of which are late at night so her coming and needing to go to sleep might pretty distracting from my sister, who does have a reasonable expectation of being the center of attention at her wedding) in a different country.

And you are right - I could back out or DH could stay home. There would be a family rift on our side though, because my sister won't just be pissed, it'll be thing until we're dead. She's close to my DH too. At this point, we are considering DH staying home though or bringing her.

There is also a part of me that things DH is right, that she would be fine with his parents at their second home and all of this would be harder on me than her. Posting on a forum where people have all kinds of different opinions probably wasn't the right answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. After a discussion last night the grandparents have offered to watch her in our home for a two days in August while we out of town and to watch her in our home for the week in July our daycare closes. I will probably telework a day or two that week and be out of sight but observe how it goes. If she’s comfortable with them after that, we’ll ask them to watch her in our home and keep her in daycare. We will also have a third, younger family member with them. If she isn’t comfortable and happy with them or they won’t agree to that we will find a way to bring her.

It’s not that I want to galavant around Europe without my baby. It’s that my sisters wedding is an a remote area where I am not sure where I can find reliable childcare and I’m not sure we can afford to bring childcare on top of the trip. Me staying home isn’t an option unless I’m no longer interested in a relationship with my younger sister, who is sensitive and would not understand my not coming as our other sister has two babies under two and is going and leaving them with her IL. I would ask my DH to stay home but he thinks she will be fine if we are gone for 7 days, 4 of which she is in daycare for most of the day. Because he feels that way and wants to come, it’s hard for me to tell him he must stay home. I should also clarify my dd will not be unsafe with my in laws in any way. I just worry for her comfort level. Which is why we will do these trial runs first. If they don’t work out, we won’t leave her.

My sister asked me if this the wedding in Europe was okay when I was pregnant and I thought I’d be okay leaving her at 13/14 months. Turns out I should have waited to see how I’d feel about the whole thing.

OP, I'm the poster who wrote about MIL wanting to hit my child (which is why I have never left my children in her care EVER). In your case, I would be more concerned with your IL's ability to do 24 hour care. It's a lot. Heck my kids are in middle school and I honestly could not handle care of a toddler without a break myself at this point. I think you have a really good plan. I was also wondering if your sister dictated her wedding be no children? I assume she is not having flowergirls etc?

You are correct. She asked for no children. Not to get into that relationship - but shes had a difficult time accepting the fact that my other sister and I have little ones and can't give the amount of attention she'd like to her wedding planning/bachelorette etc. this is not the post to get into that.