Would you let a teenage boy babysit your preschool girl?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my husband was a teenager, he "took over" some of his sister's families when she went away to school. He really enjoyed babysitting. By some PPs reasonings, I should feel weird about leaving him at home w/ our children!

And, my older brother babysat for me millions of times when I was growing up. Nothing creepy every happened.

a father or brother is a different story than a neighbor's kid. Are you really that innocent?

I know personally a teenage boy who tried to molest his 6 year old sister.

Relationship doesn't matter one iota.

Those prone to such behavior are prone to it...those not, are not!

OP: in your case I would consider it. I'd actually be LESS concerned about asking him to do it because he's not actively seeking access to your daughter, etc.

You take a risk anytime you leave your child with anyone- young-old, male-female...But if he's a good teen, responsible, dating girls his age...i seriously wouldn't worry about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no

Agree, no way! It might be sad, but reality is that the majority of sexual offenders are male and I would never take that chance with my kids - boy or girl (I have one of each). I also will not even leave my kids with most of our male relatives. My brother and one grandfather are the only ones they have ever been with them alone. Granted we don't live near family so the fact that the kids don't know our extended family that well is also a factor.

My dad was molested by a teenage boy of a family friend when they dropped him off at their house to stay while they went out. The boy wasn't even home alone with him. The primary babaysitter was supposed to be the family friend (the mom) and it still happened.

I know logically not every male is a sexual predator,but it's just not an experience you can reverse or fix if something happened.

And when your son is a bit older, and asks why he never has a male sitter (or coach, if you go that far), what will you tell him? That you're sorry, but boys just can't be trusted?

Good questions, but I really don't think my DS is going to think to ask why he doesn't have a male babysitter. They have had female babysitters that are students of my DH and the families live in our neighborhood. He also has a sister 3 yrs older so I'm sure when she is old enough to babysit we will just have her watch him. In the meantime, my DH and I agreed that no male will be alone with our DC besides a very select few. I won't even let our BILs or DH best friend from childhood, etc watch them. Granted not living anywhere near them makes this an easier situation but never the less we agree it's not a good idea.

I will always be honest with my DC about how even as DC you do not need to believe everything every adult tells you. We have already drilled into our 4yo DD that NO ONE tells you to keep secrets or surprises from mommy and daddy and NO ONE besides us can touch her private areas. Even our ped made the comment to her that it was okay to look down there quickly because mommy was sitting right here and she looked to me for approval. There is a balance that can be taught between teaching kids what's right and wrong and not to be afraid to say something if they know it's wrong or makes them uncomfortable and nto having them fear the world. There are still risks and I can't keep my kids from all harm, but this is one that I will work my damnest to make sure no one is in a position to take advantage of my kids in such a way that causes irrepairable damage.

My mom drilled it in me and I grew up with a healthy self-esteem and feelings about my body but also knew what was right and wrong but did not fear people. She went as far as to tell me someone may tell you they will hurt me or your family or you will get in trouble or it's your fault, but none of that is EVER true and you ALWAYS tell me. I'm sure my DS may have male coaches, but they will NEVER be left alone with them - EVER...PERIOD...END OF STORY.

It may not be what everyone wants to hear or believe but that is reality and it sucks.
Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

I won't even let our BILs or DH best friend from childhood, etc watch them. Granted not living anywhere near them makes this an easier situation but never the less we agree it's not a good idea.

That is nuts, unless you have reason to suspect that one of them is an abuser.

Would I leave my child with a male babysitter I didn't know? Hell no. Would I leave my child with a man I love and trust? Of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dad here. I find this thread terribly disturbing. I babysat kids even at the age of 11 and we've had both teenage boy and girl sitters for our son. They're all great kids. A lot of you moms are engaging in some pretty reprehensible gender stereotyping. You'd be appalled if a man made generalizations about girls/women (like, why hire a woman when she's only going to get pregnant and leave at some point...) but many of you are doing just that with respect to boys/men. Pretty appalling.

Not all of us are paraniod misandrists as some of these posters. You sound like my husband who I mentioned earlier. Male babysitters make the BEST partners! And also make for pretty fun babysitters.

These same women who are aghast at the thought of a male babysitter are probably the same ones chronically bitching and complaining about how their husbands never help around the house, when they are the ones nourishing sterotypes and outdated gender roles.

In my case, this is not true. I posted earlier that I would NEVER let a male (especially a teen) babysit my DD and DS. My dad was molested by a son of a family friend and I just couldn't do it considering the statistics of most sexual predators being male. As for my DH, he does at least 50% or more of the household and childcare duties and is a wonderful husband and father. He was not, however, interested as a teen in babysitting and didn't even like holding a baby. He has always said he thought it was strange that a teenage boy would be interested in babysitting.

I'm the dad who originally posted and I find it strange, I have to admit, that your husband thinks it's strange that a teenage boy would be interested in babysitting. Many teen boys have helped their parents with younger siblings and it's a great way to earn money. I myself babysat as a pre-teen and into my teenage years. We also know a lot of parents of boys who are into sports and a teen boy sitter is great for those types of kids. We're not oblivious to the dangers out there but personally, I would never want to be like many of the moms who've posted here -- hyper-vigilant and suspicious about everything, probably armed with a minute by minute checklist of what the sitter has to do with their kids. Yeah, we've had teen sitters who maybe let our son stay up a bit later than he should, or didn't make sure he brushed his teeth first, but we don't lose sleep over stuff like this -- the important thing is that our son has fun with them for the couple of hours that we're out for the evening.

Appreciate your perspective. I think my husband finds it strange only based on his own feelings as a teenage boy. He never had an interest in babysitting and was actually very uncomfortable around babies until we had our own. I did see that he had a good time playing with his nieces and nephews when they were a little older, but still had no desire to babysit them alone for any amount of time. I remember once he called me and asked what to do with his nephew who went poop and asked him to help wipe his bum. My DH turned on the shower and hosed him down - this was a 3 or 4 yo that had a regular bowl movement (nothing messy).

He had other interests and made much more money working for his dad than babysitting would have paid as a teen. From his expereinces I think he doesn't understand why a boy would find such an interest in young kids when he didn't have any. Again, he is a wonderful father and honestly probably does more housework and childcare than I do most of the time. So, I don't think not having an interest as a teen necessarily translates into not being a good partner in raising children.

I am actually pretty relaxed with our babysitters and their time with our DC, but I am hyper-vigilent about safety to the best that I feel comfortable with. We leave a paper every time with our phone numbers, house address, DD's food allergies, and always end with a note to "have fun!" I don't dictate their schedule or activities but do note that typically she goes to bed around a certain time so that they have an idea of what a normal schedule is for DC. I don't loose sleep over the little things either, but I think the damage that can be done by a sexual predator is far worse than not brushing teeth one night or going to bed a little late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not about what percent chance of risk there actually is especially when the harm is so great. The point is that you can pretty much eliminate the risk altogether by not allowing your child to be left alone with men you do not know extremely well.

I'm 100% sure that NONE of my mom friends would ever sexually harm my children. Their husbands? I don't think any are sexual predators and I'm not actually worried, but I'm not 100% sure. That's the point. The risk is low, the harm is great, and the solution is relatively easy.

Dad here again. What a load of BS. Interestingly, we have a number of single mom friends who do look for men friends to spend time with their kids. Our son has spent time alone with other men friends and I just cannot fathom the level of suspicion here. DCUM moms probably are a unique subgroup because among the families we know in Arlington, no one thinks like many of you do. And that's not to say people are oblivious. Women don't let their young sons go alone to public bathrooms but their suspicion doesn't extend to friends.

I don't think this suspicion is unique to the DCUM subgroup. We all came from different backgrounds and places. My mother held these theories, even as a single mom, and I did not grow up anywhere near this area. It's not particularly a level of suspicion either. I think it's from recognizing the statistics that these incidents occur more often by people known to the family (family friend, relative) than by strangers in a public bathroom. When you read about a lot of these cases the common comment I seem to hear is "wow - no one suspected Joe. He was so good with the kids and so many people trusted him" Your neighborhood friends might not be oblivious to the danger but I don't think they understand the statistics of who is perputrating these crimes. It's more like to be someone you know. These people have to find a way to get close to a child and potentially their family in order to earn their trust so they can convince the child that it is a normal progression of their interactions and to not say anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I won't even let our BILs or DH best friend from childhood, etc watch them. Granted not living anywhere near them makes this an easier situation but never the less we agree it's not a good idea.

That is nuts, unless you have reason to suspect that one of them is an abuser.

Would I leave my child with a male babysitter I didn't know? Hell no. Would I leave my child with a man I love and trust? Of course.

We don't live anywhere near them and only see them a few times a year. While I guess I love my DH's family it doesn't mean I see them often enough to be comfortable with leaving my DC with them. I think a lot comes down to gut instincts as well. I don't see them in their daily lives enough to make an assessment that would be at my comfort level. I really don't think that makes me nuts, but then again it doesn't really matter. I make decision for my DC at my comfort level and not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I won't even let our BILs or DH best friend from childhood, etc watch them. Granted not living anywhere near them makes this an easier situation but never the less we agree it's not a good idea.

That is nuts, unless you have reason to suspect that one of them is an abuser.

Would I leave my child with a male babysitter I didn't know? Hell no. Would I leave my child with a man I love and trust? Of course.

We don't live anywhere near them and only see them a few times a year. While I guess I love my DH's family it doesn't mean I see them often enough to be comfortable with leaving my DC with them. I think a lot comes down to gut instincts as well. I don't see them in their daily lives enough to make an assessment that would be at my comfort level. I really don't think that makes me nuts, but then again it doesn't really matter. I make decision for my DC at my comfort level and not yours.

Nawww, REALLY? No shit sherlock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I won't even let our BILs or DH best friend from childhood, etc watch them. Granted not living anywhere near them makes this an easier situation but never the less we agree it's not a good idea.

That is nuts, unless you have reason to suspect that one of them is an abuser.

Would I leave my child with a male babysitter I didn't know? Hell no. Would I leave my child with a man I love and trust? Of course.

We don't live anywhere near them and only see them a few times a year. While I guess I love my DH's family it doesn't mean I see them often enough to be comfortable with leaving my DC with them. I think a lot comes down to gut instincts as well. I don't see them in their daily lives enough to make an assessment that would be at my comfort level. I really don't think that makes me nuts, but then again it doesn't really matter. I make decision for my DC at my comfort level and not yours.

Nawww, REALLY? No shit sherlock.

real contructive input to this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I won't even let our BILs or DH best friend from childhood, etc watch them. Granted not living anywhere near them makes this an easier situation but never the less we agree it's not a good idea.

That is nuts, unless you have reason to suspect that one of them is an abuser.

Would I leave my child with a male babysitter I didn't know? Hell no. Would I leave my child with a man I love and trust? Of course.

We don't live anywhere near them and only see them a few times a year. While I guess I love my DH's family it doesn't mean I see them often enough to be comfortable with leaving my DC with them. I think a lot comes down to gut instincts as well. I don't see them in their daily lives enough to make an assessment that would be at my comfort level. I really don't think that makes me nuts, but then again it doesn't really matter. I make decision for my DC at my comfort level and not yours.

Nawww, REALLY? No shit sherlock.

real contructive input to this thread

*constructive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4 year old boy and I wouldn't let a teenage boy who was not family or close enough to be considered family watch him.

aren't most molestation cases by family member or someone you know?

[Anonymous]

No.

[Anonymous]

No. My teenage cousin, who everyone in the family LOVED and thought was the greatest kid, molested me whenever my parents asked him to babysit. I will never leave my child with any male alone ever, other than his father, even if they are a relative or a most trusted friend. Yes, it's sad. But just not worth the risk to me and I figure it's just easier to have a blanket policy for us than to make person-by-person judgments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a 4 year old boy and I wouldn't let a teenage boy who was not family or close enough to be considered family watch him.

aren't most molestation cases by family member or someone you know?

yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
And when your son is a bit older, and asks why he never has a male sitter (or coach, if you go that far), what will you tell him? That you're sorry, but boys just can't be trusted?

Good questions, but I really don't think my DS is going to think to ask why he doesn't have a male babysitter. They have had female babysitters that are students of my DH and the families live in our neighborhood. He also has a sister 3 yrs older so I'm sure when she is old enough to babysit we will just have her watch him. In the meantime, my DH and I agreed that no male will be alone with our DC besides a very select few. I won't even let our BILs or DH best friend from childhood, etc watch them. Granted not living anywhere near them makes this an easier situation but never the less we agree it's not a good idea.

I will always be honest with my DC about how even as DC you do not need to believe everything every adult tells you. We have already drilled into our 4yo DD that NO ONE tells you to keep secrets or surprises from mommy and daddy and NO ONE besides us can touch her private areas. Even our ped made the comment to her that it was okay to look down there quickly because mommy was sitting right here and she looked to me for approval. There is a balance that can be taught between teaching kids what's right and wrong and not to be afraid to say something if they know it's wrong or makes them uncomfortable and nto having them fear the world. There are still risks and I can't keep my kids from all harm, but this is one that I will work my damnest to make sure no one is in a position to take advantage of my kids in such a way that causes irrepairable damage.

My mom drilled it in me and I grew up with a healthy self-esteem and feelings about my body but also knew what was right and wrong but did not fear people. She went as far as to tell me someone may tell you they will hurt me or your family or you will get in trouble or it's your fault, but none of that is EVER true and you ALWAYS tell me. I'm sure my DS may have male coaches, but they will NEVER be left alone with them - EVER...PERIOD...END OF STORY.

It may not be what everyone wants to hear or believe but that is reality and it sucks.
Just a thought.

But you avoided the question, which is, how do you explain to your son that you think that all teenage males are inherently untrustworthy? I know that my sons, by the age of five or six, were expressing a desire for male sitters - not just anyone, but the teens who were babysitting their friends. So it is entirely possible that the question will come up.

I agree with most of the rest of your post - that you can teach kids to be wary, to know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching, even that you need to let your kids know there are bad people in the world. I don't see how that aspect of reality (which does suck) translates into "you may never be alone with a male other than your dad, because men are more likely to be bad". I don't want to send that message to my sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:no

Agree, no way! It might be sad, but reality is that the majority of sexual offenders are male and I would never take that chance with my kids - boy or girl (I have one of each). I also will not even leave my kids with most of our male relatives. My brother and one grandfather are the only ones they have ever been with them alone. Granted we don't live near family so the fact that the kids don't know our extended family that well is also a factor.

My dad was molested by a teenage boy of a family friend when they dropped him off at their house to stay while they went out. The boy wasn't even home alone with him. The primary babaysitter was supposed to be the family friend (the mom) and it still happened.

I know logically not every male is a sexual predator,but it's just not an experience you can reverse or fix if something happened.

And when your son is a bit older, and asks why he never has a male sitter (or coach, if you go that far), what will you tell him? That you're sorry, but boys just can't be trusted?

Good questions, but I really don't think my DS is going to think to ask why he doesn't have a male babysitter. They have had female babysitters that are students of my DH and the families live in our neighborhood. He also has a sister 3 yrs older so I'm sure when she is old enough to babysit we will just have her watch him. In the meantime, my DH and I agreed that no male will be alone with our DC besides a very select few. I won't even let our BILs or DH best friend from childhood, etc watch them. Granted not living anywhere near them makes this an easier situation but never the less we agree it's not a good idea.

I will always be honest with my DC about how even as DC you do not need to believe everything every adult tells you. We have already drilled into our 4yo DD that NO ONE tells you to keep secrets or surprises from mommy and daddy and NO ONE besides us can touch her private areas. Even our ped made the comment to her that it was okay to look down there quickly because mommy was sitting right here and she looked to me for approval. There is a balance that can be taught between teaching kids what's right and wrong and not to be afraid to say something if they know it's wrong or makes them uncomfortable and nto having them fear the world. There are still risks and I can't keep my kids from all harm, but this is one that I will work my damnest to make sure no one is in a position to take advantage of my kids in such a way that causes irrepairable damage.

My mom drilled it in me and I grew up with a healthy self-esteem and feelings about my body but also knew what was right and wrong but did not fear people. She went as far as to tell me someone may tell you they will hurt me or your family or you will get in trouble or it's your fault, but none of that is EVER true and you ALWAYS tell me. I'm sure my DS may have male coaches, but they will NEVER be left alone with them - EVER...PERIOD...END OF STORY.

It may not be what everyone wants to hear or believe but that is reality and it sucks.
Just a thought.

You are headed for a confrontation with your son. He is going to go nuts if you have to show up at every soccer practice and watch him. It will be humiliating for him. And you may think you won't care about it but you will later on.