Whitman HS Suicide

[Anonymous]

New poster here.

I couldn't sleep last night and spent a lot of time digging around the internet about this poor girl. I agree with the student before me that I don't think this had anything to do with school pressure. I'm not going to share anything but I could somewhat piece together her life and her family's life over the past 10 years (the Internet is a crazy, crazy thing) and I'd doubt academic pressure had anything to do with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whitman parent here.

My daughter is devastated and so sad about this -- as is the entire community. My child sat with me last night and opened up and the things that came out were so moving - and eye opening to me.

I'm left with the feeling that the school has to stop reinforcing the stress, stress, stress. They need to do something to tone down the stress levels for these kids.

Yes, undoubtedly there were many reasons that led to this tragedy. But, also, no doubt, this school is a pressure cooker and that is something the entire community has to deal with.

We chose Whitman because of its excellence and it is a great school in many ways. That said, my child was sick a couple of weeks ago and was worried about missing one day (one day!) of school b/c she'd "get behind." That's crazy.

We as parents and teachers must do something. Our kids are too precious and far more than the sum of their achievements, awards and grades.

Sad day.

Also a Whitman parent--of many years--and I agree with others who have posted that the school itself bears little responsibility for the stress; in fact, they are very aware of how tightly strung many of their students are and have a lot of programs and initiatives in place to reduce stress. The principal and many of the other staff are extremely compassionate and focused on the well-being of students. The "pressure cooker" aspect (which doesn't affect all kids in the school) comes from hard charging parents who push their kids, and the peer group that makes really academic kids feel like they need to step things up.

One of my kids has missed a fair amount of school for an extracurricular activity, and it is indeed stressful trying to catch up on the work. But the teachers will definitely work with your child in the event they miss school for an excused absence, and if for any reason your child has an issue with getting caught up, the counselors will help.

My only takeaway on this tragedy is that depression and adolescence can be an incredibly dangerous combination, even with the most loving and involved family, even if you have a lot of good friends and are involved in activities that you enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s mental illness people, it’s not other people’s fault typically.
Stop harping about things you know nothing about.

It is mental illness but that doesn’t mean there is t fault. My child is currently hospitalized because he is suicidal. Trigger is mostly school pressure. I went to the school once a week at least to try to get supports only to be told my son was fine. But he’s not and he may have been had he received some supports. It’s not the only thing but it was definitely the straw that broke the camels back. So yes sometimes there is blame.

That doesn’t mean it’s the fault of the school. If your son can’t function in that school environment you have to find another environment for him.
It sounds like he needs a therapeutic school - you need to advocate for him and find him another setting.

Most families cannot afford a therapeutic school - maybe are 50K+ a year if not more. The schools, especially MCPS will not pay for it in less the issues are severe and being suicidal generally isn't one. Many families are left on their own to cope and figure it out. Few insurances offer great mental health treatment and there are very few good therapists and psychiatrists out there.

RICA
Or, home and hospital care where MCPS sends a tutor to your home for your child if they cannot attend school (as in having an emotional disturbance).
Those are both free.

Also, remember that if your child’s deems a special school necessary you can deduct tuition for the school from your taxes as a medical expense.

My child’s very small private school also accepted a few emotionally disturbed teens at the school each year. Some thrived, some did not. You owe it to your child to look around at some schools or programs if he is having profound difficulty.

This is in no way referring to the girl from Whitman, it is just directed to you.

RICA is very difficult to get into. So is getting appropriate help and services for your child. So, is paying for private. We did it for a few years for our child along with private pay services. He caught up enough and is thriving in public now but the services are a joke. I wouldn't trust anyone at his school to provide basic mental health services or even understand his needs. Luckily it is not mental health. Our insurance is very generous with services, but I know most are not. You are doing your child a huge disservice by relying just on MCPS. And, not everyone has your income to pay. So, deducting tuition is not relevant when you cannot afford it in the first place. You are living in an alternative reality if you think everyone is wealthy and MCPS, if not, provides everything. If they did and were a magic cure, our world would be a very different place. (and I am a parent who gave up her job to take my child to services for many years - 2/3 times a day).

[Anonymous]

There is great irony in the fact that many people on this thread (which itself is based on shameful and irresponsible assumptions about what happened to this poor girl) feel the need to preface their comments by pointing out that their kid is gifted/gets great grades/tested into a special program/etc. People (kids and adults) can struggle regardless of whether they generally succeed and occasionally struggle, or struggle all of the time. Having a kid who generally does well doesn't make anyone more knowledgeable or insightful. It simply manifests one source of the pressure that can overwhelm anyone, which is that too many parents derive their self worth from subjective indicators of success achieved by their children. In private, many parents claim that effort, not grades, is what really matters, but then can't wait to get on social media, etc., to brag about deans' lists and straight A's and acceptance letters, without taking a minute to think about the mounting expectations, and accompanying pressures, that creates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s mental illness people, it’s not other people’s fault typically.
Stop harping about things you know nothing about.

It is mental illness but that doesn’t mean there is t fault. My child is currently hospitalized because he is suicidal. Trigger is mostly school pressure. I went to the school once a week at least to try to get supports only to be told my son was fine. But he’s not and he may have been had he received some supports. It’s not the only thing but it was definitely the straw that broke the camels back. So yes sometimes there is blame.

Obviously lots of people failed this young woman however, most are not as lucky as your child is to have an attentive parent who checks in, checks around and is involved. Read all the posts here complaining about the things parents do... there is good reason for it. These parents probably tried. Posting this online isn't helping them nor supporting them. I don't get other kids doing memorials. Reach out to that kid eating alone. Reach out to the new kid. Don't wait till they die or do something drastic to get attention to care. Otherwise that isn't caring and about your needs not theirs.

A lot of these kids appear to be functionally normally - going to activities and socializing - until the male the impulsive decision to commit suicide.
You just don’t know what you are talking about.

OMG totally! Sometimes shit just happens and it really is no one's fault as much as we hate to believe we have no control. Teenagers are impulsive and do dumb shit and it is truly no one's fault. No ONE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son just came and asked me if I knew about it. She had previously attended an area private school, and knew of her through that network. What do you say?

It is so tragic. I sat down both my DS and DD, 15 and 17, respectively. And I let them talk. They showed me tributes on social media. They expressed confusion, sadness, and grief. They asked questions to which i have no answers. I am not going to speculate with specifics or generalities. The only damn thing i want for my kids is to survive...to thread the needle of adolescence, feel their emotions, find resilience, be empathetic, comfort friends, understand that things don’t always work out, et cetera.

The whole thing terrifies me because no one can guarantee their safety. I am not going to pretend I
can. But i am going to talk to them directly and honestly even with pain and confusion.

Sending you love and light, my friend. “We are all just walking each other home.”

thank you, this is nice. I am not talking about it with my kids who are in a BCC cluster middle school, because I think they probably haven't heard about it, and I don't want to put suicide into their heads. Is that a mistake?

Yes this is a mistake. Knowledge is power. Talk about it and most importantly let them talk. They need to know that suicide is NOT an option and why.

[Anonymous]

I heard a kid made a petition for better mental health resources in schools. Everyone needs to stop complaining and start taking action. Kudo's to that kid and the rumor is he doesn't even go to Whitman. There are good people in this world!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard a kid made a petition for better mental health resources in schools. Everyone needs to stop complaining and start taking action. Kudo's to that kid and the rumor is he doesn't even go to Whitman. There are good people in this world!

The schools cannot be all to everyone. Parents need to be more vigilant (though these parents may have been). Sometimes mental health and other issues are not treatable and sometimes they are not able to be overcome until the person wants to.

[Anonymous]

The kid who made the petition is trying to help out. There is a lot of help at schools but there is never enough help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad that you are all talking about paying others to talk to your kids but you are too busy over achieving and having your kids over achieve to find the time to talk them.

Yes. This is so true. Other things I have not had time to do with my kids... surgery on his knee, surgery on his elbow, physical therapy for knee and elbow, immunization shots, teaching him Calculus and History and Physics.

WTF is wrong with you, Um psychologist don't just talk to your kid and if they do fire them immediately.

you clearly missed the point. a lot of kids are in therapy because they never get time with their parents who are "too busy"

Nobody is in therapy and committing suicide because their parents are "too busy".

You missed the point. Their parents are there to talk but they are NOT trained to help their kids with a mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out of pocket fees for an hour to talk to get someone to talk to a teen is $350-400. Then they go on in the first hour about why it is so important to continue weekly. $1200+ a month? Maybe 5% of the general population can afford that. Psychiatrists and counselors should be ashamed of themselves.

Not all therapists will say this. Many will suggest every other week, to be increased to weekly if a crisis, depression or suicide risk come into play. I'm sure it depends on the client's situation. I'd hope it didn't have anything to do with therapists' profits or convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sad that you are all talking about paying others to talk to your kids but you are too busy over achieving and having your kids over achieve to find the time to talk them.

Yes. This is so true. Other things I have not had time to do with my kids... surgery on his knee, surgery on his elbow, physical therapy for knee and elbow, immunization shots, teaching him Calculus and History and Physics.

WTF is wrong with you, Um psychologist don't just talk to your kid and if they do fire them immediately.

you clearly missed the point. a lot of kids are in therapy because they never get time with their parents who are "too busy"

You clearly missed the point. Nobody is committing suicide because their parents are "too busy"

Parents are available but they are just as trained to deal with mental illness as they are to perform surgery on their kids knee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a huge psych practice filled with competent professionals with good communication skills

http://www.alvordbaker.com/about/clinicians/

And if you call them for an appointment for non-school hours, they will tell you their waiting list is 3-6 months.

Totally dumb question but do the schools really not have psychologists on staff?
Are there no IEP’s for emotional disturbance (where it interferes with your schooling) where you stay in your regular school and receive support of is it just home and hospital or special school? Or does MCPS oppose you with lawyers in your quest for appropriate schooling?
Or do people not want the stigma of being labeled emotionally disturbed?

This girl had friends at school and people that cared about her - it’s so sad.

[Anonymous]

I just also want to plead, again, for more mental health services. Whitman does have counselors but they are trained mostly to help kids get into college. My son sees a psychiatrist. He has a waiting lists of so long and it is so hard to get an appointment (and I'm full pay -if you can't pay in full it's so much harder). I think we need to solve this mental health crisis and we need more professionals dealing with these kids. You don't realize until you need it, how difficult it is to find help. A little sympathy and a lot of action is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of pocket fees for an hour to talk to get someone to talk to a teen is $350-400. Then they go on in the first hour about why it is so important to continue weekly. $1200+ a month? Maybe 5% of the general population can afford that. Psychiatrists and counselors should be ashamed of themselves.

Not all therapists will say this. Many will suggest every other week, to be increased to weekly if a crisis, depression or suicide risk come into play. I'm sure it depends on the client's situation. I'd hope it didn't have anything to do with therapists' profits or convenience.

Looks that way. Do some therapists still have sliding scale fees though?

It’s worse with, say, dentists and speech therapists for autistic kids. Honor and a sense of duty in caring for people seems to have been taken over by greed in too many of the health care professions.