Normal to do just drinks for 1st date?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My newly separated friend went on a date with a guy at 7:30pm. They met at the bar of a restaurant. Both my friend and her date were obviously hungry as they finished all the bread on the table. Date did not offer any food. Friend went home starving. It's been a while since I've been married for 10 years but most of my dates were for dinner or we'd meet up at a bar/club but it was after dinner time and usually with other people.

Is this guy just not into my friend? Cheap? Poor? Or is this normal to have just drinks?

I think it is fine to go out for drinks but if you meet at 7:30 and clearly both people are hungry, shouldn't you just order food?

Tell your newly separated friend she can order the god damn food if she's hungry. Nothing is stopping her from doing this, other than the preconceived notion that women entitled to a dating gravy train where men pay for everything.

This is why I say to women when setting up dates:

ME: What time are you eating dinner?
HER: Uh, 7 pm?
ME: Great! See you at the bar at 8:30!

Not to be a bitch but I would cancel on someone who did that. It's kind of a weasely, passive aggressive way of doing it. Red flag.

+1. Sounds soooooo awkward! Like you are socially inept, maybe Aspergerish.

+2. Yuck. I hate passive aggressive losers (men and women). If you weren't such {insert another word for wimp} you would suggest meeting up for coffee if you didn't want to do dinner. Oh, and btw I have no problem with the woman paying and did so when I was dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very interesting thread. I've been out of the game forever but still seems the guy is expected to foot the bill. I know a few posters qualified with "if he asked her out." How common is it for the woman to do the asking?

As often as it snows in hell.

Okay, I know very few women that will ask a guy out on a first date. If they have been going on several dates a woman may ask the guy out for specific plans where she will pay.

The gravy train comments are killing me. I think 90% of the women on this post said drinks or coffee for the first date is fine. While the majority did like the guy to pay the first date, most also said they didn't want anything expensive. So what is that, a $25 dollar investment max ...including what the guy is having? Hardly a gold digger. My favorite was the woman that pays for the guys meal when she wants to get out quick and doesn't think that they are a match.

As far equality, I don't think it's any stranger than the thread where the guys want a highly educated woman with a good job ....but willing to give it all up for him when they have kids. I want to feel like a guy is willing to put in some effort. If we actually make it past a few dates, I will certainly contribute to our dates willing and don't expect him to pay for everything.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why drinks-only is a problem, as long as it's made clear in advance, and it's scheduled late enough to allow time for dinner. I think a casual get-together is perfectly fine for a first date.

If having a man feed you is a requirement, then you should probably make that clear instead of going out and being passive-aggressive about it.

[Anonymous]

Is this in DC, like downtown? I think your perception may be affected by whether you live in an urban area.

If you're driving out from the suburbs, I can see where going to a "drinks only" date might seem a bit lacking. But, if you're already within walking distance of a nice club, or something, then it makes more sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think just drinks or even just coffee is fine for the first date. As in general, men still carry most of the financial burden for dating (please see posts above for proof of this), it could get awfully expensive for them to shell out hundreds of dollars on first dates that never get any further.

I'm surprised it wasn't clear when the date was arranged, that it was just for drinks? Any date I've been on, it was basically clear Ie. "Why don't we meet for a drink on Thursday night?".

If she was starving, she has a tongue and is an adult, I assume, and could have ordered an app herself. I do find it weird that it wasnt offered as part of the date (because sharing a little food is a great tension breaker), but maybe he wasn't hungry aside from the bread. Maybe drinks was only an hour of time and he didn't think food was necessary.

Friend can speak up and not play games like "appearing" ravenous and hoping date will order food.

Oh, and before I get accused of being MRA or something, I'm a female. And if I'm hungry, I order and pay for my own food.

Agree completely. What's with the games?

[Anonymous]

Well for a first "blind" date, I think some people like to schedule a drinks date just in case there is no connection. A dinner date can go on forever if there is no chemistry, drinks date...Not so much so.

If he still doesn't take her to eat by Date No.#2 then I would think he is either a) Cheap b) Poor c) Only in it to get it or d) All of the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't flame me, but I think there might be an age gap in the "right" answer here. I'm 42. And while I don't expect a man to buy me dinner on a blind date to prove his worth to me, I also have enough confidence in myself/boldness that after 15-20 min of chatting, if I were starving, I would have said "hey lets, order an app, I'm starving" and if he had objected, I would have politely excused myself to go eat by myself. But anyway, I really wanted to say to the OP.... if your friend is 32ish or under... I will tell you it's a very different world. I hear this all the time from my younger co-workers, both male and female. They do coffee only and drinks only as the normal first date protocol. Nobody wants to invest more time than necessary to see if there's anything clicking. If there's chemistry. It doesn't mean your date is cheap. Or uninterested. It's just what they do. And you commit to the drinks only thing upfront. Second date, if there is one, is more of a time investment. It's what the kids are doing now. You might not like it. You might not do it if you were out in the dating world. But it doesn't mean this guy was cheap or didn't like her.

I'm 50 and I totally get the whole drinks/coffee thing and would not expect a meal. I've been with my husband for over 20 years but I dated A LOT back in the day. This is not that new!

Another 50 year old woman here who disagrees. Can't remember a first date that wasn't long and the whole shebang.

[Anonymous]

MikeL wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm another woman who thinks if she was hungry she should have ordered food. If I was invited to go out for drinks at 7:30, I'd either eat before I showed up or say "Hey, I'm really hungry, I'm going to order some food."

Yes to this. The 7:30 time pretty much means there should be some food involved.
If you - as a guy - don't want to do food, make the date for 5:00-5:30 or so.

Here's the problem. If it's going at all well, a 5:30 date will run until 6:3o or 7, at which point I'm starving. If it's going well but neither wants to commit another 2 hours to a dinner, it's going to be awkward to stay in place and order food. I think 8 pm is much better.

[Anonymous]

MikeL wrote:
If you - as a guy - don't want to do food, make the date for 5:00-5:30 or so.

Buy your own god damn food. Come to the date prepared. Why is this so difficult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
ME: What time are you eating dinner?
HER: Uh, 7 pm?
ME: Great! See you at the bar at 8:30!

Not to be a bitch but I would cancel on someone who did that. It's kind of a weasely, passive aggressive way of doing it. Red flag.

Nothing passive aggressive about it. Just checking when you're eating dinner so we can meet up afterward. You, on the other hand, are trying to get, yet another, free meal out of a man. How about YOU buy the man dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
+1. Sounds soooooo awkward! Like you are socially inept, maybe Aspergerish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Not to be a bitch but I would cancel on someone who did that. It's kind of a weasely, passive aggressive way of doing it. Red flag.

PP weasel - not for nothing but there's a reason you're still single. Ha. I'd never meet you at the bar at 8:30 if that's your opener. Thankfully, I've been happily married for 15yrs to a man who paid for EVERYtHiNG for our firmest two years of dating. Guess what, 15yrs in he still treats me well. I work and make a good amount of money myself, but it's nice to have a DH who treats me well.


We get it. You're a woman who likes to be "taken care of." So you contributed nothing to your relationship in your first two years of dating and I'm certain you contribute little in your marriage.

I'd pound you, then I'd tell you to not let the door hit you on the way out without even giving you cab fare for your ride home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see why drinks-only is a problem, as long as it's made clear in advance, and it's scheduled late enough to allow time for dinner. I think a casual get-together is perfectly fine for a first date.

If having a man feed you is a requirement, then you should probably make that clear instead of going out and being passive-aggressive about it.

Exactly! But NOOOOO it's the MEN who are being passive aggressive! Again...women want everything with the responsibility of nothing.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it is just me, but if I am hungry I will order something (an appetizer salad etc) . If the guy asks you for money to cover it, so be it - but don't starve yourself when you are obviously hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
+1. Sounds soooooo awkward! Like you are socially inept, maybe Aspergerish.

Yeah, new poster here, and this thread is so dumb that I can't believe I am commenting on it. But I wanted to express my disappointment at this trend lately on DCUM to casually throw around these pseudo-diagnoses of Aspergers or ASD, like it's appropriate to use as some kind of casual insult, and often "diagnosed" in response to a two-line post on an anonymous forum. I am not SN and neither are my kids, but many people are, and I find this offensive. Frankly you come across as very immature when you write stuff like this. Do you even have kids? I can't believe a parent would write this although I guess this is the internet and it takes all kinds. This is primarily a parenting website BTW, and although all are welcome you should keep that readership in mind when you post. And when you do have kids, yours or your friends' kids may have these issues to deal with and you may not find it so amusing.