A new twist on the "SAHM with a nanny" discussion!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have no idea what goes on in her house or her life. She may be the world's greatest mom.

'

Why do people love to assert that everyone has "no idea" what goes on in someone's house or life? Most people have some idea of what goes on in people's homes and lives. Unless you are actively hiding a major drug habit, domestic abuse, or terminal illness, it's usually pretty obvious pretty soon after getting to know someone.

Not that it's a reason to judge or be a bitch, it just irritates me that people act like all other humans' home lives are this unfathomable mystery when the habits and patterns are all pretty much the same with a few common variations.

People show you what they want you to see. That's how people end up marrying sociopaths, idiot. You get to "know" what people want you to know.

Eh. I think a lot of people just don't pay attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh is like the military now?

Oh, is like speak English now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Oh is like the military now?

Oh, is like speak English now?

Angry bored defensive EFM.

[Anonymous]

Where are those of you who think these live-in nannies/housekeepers are only found overseas?? I'm in NW DC and they're everywhere..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never pay a stranger to raise my kids. It horrifies me just thinking about it.

Maybe not. But i'd happily pay a stranger to all the other chores around the house so I could spend quality time with my kid.

[Anonymous]

We are a foreign service family living overseas. We have many friends who have lived at posts like the one OP describes, where ordinary middle class Americans can finally afford to have help.

Think of it this way, if you could get full-time help for $400/month, why wouldn't you? I'm sure OP and her friends pay at least the norm for the area and probably more. Where I live everyone wants to work for US and diplomatic families because they pay better than the locals. Why wouldn't you want to offer someone the ability to earn a living? If she didn't employ her nanny/housekeeper they would just work for someone else, assuming they could find work.

I work part-time so my nanny just comes afternoons. Sometimes I come home early but she still stays for the hours we agreed on and I don't send her home early because I know she wants to get paid. Sometimes I will spend time with one kid while she plays with the other, or she will do some light housekeeping while I do something with both. Sometimes we all go to the park together and I appreciate an extra set of hands as we are crossing busy roads and an extra pair of eyes when they run in opposite directions on the playground.

Lay off, haters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP has it right...every other day someone is in DCUM crying about being overwhelmed by children and/or household duties. Either that, or how DH doesn't help enough and how much of a strain it puts on your relationship. I am not an SAHM but if I could be in OP's shoes, I would have help for organizing, laundry, errands (grocery stores, dry cleaners)...in turn, I would spend more time with our kids doing art and really building up our veggie garden. It would mean more creativity and better health. Occasionally, the help could watch one child while another gets individual attention (really an issue in our house now that we are working on reading with #1,who gets interrupted by a toddler and an infant). Moreover, I could nurture my marriage better and actually have a date night! I am sorry, but OP got it right with this one.

I agree. There is always more I could do or would like to do. I am never ever bored.
It would be nice to have a trusted nanny, housekeeper, gardener, laundress, ... you name it.
It does not mean that your kids see nothing of you, that depends on the particular mom, and the arrangement. I could see that it would be easier then to spend individual time with one child for example, without having to drag the baby around in the car with you, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never pay a stranger to raise my kids. It horrifies me just thinking about it.

Maybe not. But i'd happily pay a stranger to all the other chores around the house so I could spend quality time with my kid.

ugh. this is what I hear all the time from fellow sahms here in the U.S.

of course we all love our kids beyond belief, but are we really sending them the right message and preparing them for meaningful lives if we pay other people to clean up after us so we can spend more time focusing on our little centers of the universe?

I know I am exaggerating, forgive me PP, but for the sake of making a point...sure, it would be fun to live the life of leisure and never lift a finger, and children are important, BUT I actually think people are happier when they find some meaning out of the collective work that we all do to run a household, and our kids are more likable when they learn to model a certain level of taking care of one's own things and taking responsibility for one's own messes and such.

That said, in a household where there are multiple kids under the age when they can be trusted by themselves (varies depending on the kid, but infants, toddlers, preschoolers can all qualify) it makes NO SENSE for one person to be responsible for caring for them, cooking, and cleaning. It is hard to cook good, nutritious, varied meals when you have babies or children underneath, and trying to clean while caring for kids is like shoveling snow in the middle of a blizzard. It makes total sense to get help if you can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Anyway, it's a complicated issue, to be sure, but OP, I'm glad like all of these complex issues your acquaintances have managed to put these in the "Judgment Box" so they can avoid actually talking about it. Sigh.

Hello pot (calling the kettle black, as it were)! Judging me for putting on my judgey shoes? A little hypocritical?

Look, I posted something that I thought was ironic. I blatantly poked fun at myself in doing so, and made sure to note that what this woman does is none of my damn business.

This unanticipated discussion is important and relevant, and welcome. But deciding you know who I am, what my "acquaintances" talk about, and whether we're good people is going too far. We gave up our nearby families, friends, good schools, and home that we loved to come try to do a meaningful job that would help our country in our small way. The people I've met working for our country are dedicated and hard working, and treat the people who work with them kindly and respectfully. Don't sit at home and tell me who I am or what I believe in. Remember that there's a person on the other end of this, far away from home and doing her best. Discussions and questions are important. Throwing insults and *sighing* in your weary way, from the comfort of home, is insulting and hypocritical.

Oh please. State Department bureaucrats, totally self interested.

Shame on you. Really.

Oh is like the military now?

Ha ha ha, totally agree. State Dept gig is in no way is equivalent to military service for our country. Heck, even fire & police count more than state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are a foreign service family living overseas. We have many friends who have lived at posts like the one OP describes, where ordinary middle class Americans can finally afford to have help.

Think of it this way, if you could get full-time help for $400/month, why wouldn't you? I'm sure OP and her friends pay at least the norm for the area and probably more. Where I live everyone wants to work for US and diplomatic families because they pay better than the locals. Why wouldn't you want to offer someone the ability to earn a living? If she didn't employ her nanny/housekeeper they would just work for someone else, assuming they could find work.

I work part-time so my nanny just comes afternoons. Sometimes I come home early but she still stays for the hours we agreed on and I don't send her home early because I know she wants to get paid. Sometimes I will spend time with one kid while she plays with the other, or she will do some light housekeeping while I do something with both. Sometimes we all go to the park together and I appreciate an extra set of hands as we are crossing busy roads and an extra pair of eyes when they run in opposite directions on the playground.

Lay off, haters.

You are missing the point. Of COURSE we would all love to have dirt cheap, reliable household help, and to all have have hobby jobs, and to live in exotic locals (maybe). It is idiotic to describe this as some sort of life choice. It's like "let them eat cake" ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never pay a stranger to raise my kids. It horrifies me just thinking about it.

Right...until your children go to school and the you "let some stranger raise" them??? Comments like these are unhelpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never pay a stranger to raise my kids. It horrifies me just thinking about it.

Right...until your children go to school and the you "let some stranger raise" them??? Comments like these are unhelpful.

Some parents feel better about school because children are older and can speak and report bad teachers; not that they always do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never pay a stranger to raise my kids. It horrifies me just thinking about it.

Oh please. Stop being so provincial. You do know that nannies, nursemaids, ayas, baboes, governesses, etc. are the DEFAULT in how the rich have raised their precious offspring the world over for centuries, right?

We in the US have a mental block against domestic help. Americans are not comfortable with the concept! Very funny, actually. My husband is the same way. Midwestern middle class background, very awkward initially with our nanny and housekeeper. For some reason, the pool guy and gardener didn't befuddle him so much--maybe because they never came in the house.

I was born in a third world country, and came over as an infant. My family has earned, inherited, and lost, a fortune before immigrating to the US. My mother was raised by a nanny, and then became a housemaid herself when the family's fortune's fell.

So, the concept of domestic help is not alien to me, and I also feel a lot of warmth for the profession.

Americans don't like maids and nannies because y'all feel that the job is somehow demeaning, and having domestic help is "putting on airs" and "getting uppity." Well, it's not. It's an honorable way to make a living, taking care of and loving infants and children. the same person who judges someone for having the means to afford domestic help has no problem ordering around an overworked minimum wage worker in some fast food joint working 3 jobs trying to support a wife a kid. That worker probably has, dollar for earned dollar, a way more financially insecure and exploited life than a private nanny.

I love my nanny. I don't love her more than she loves my kids (which is plenty), but that's the way it should be. I see my kids and want to surround them with as many people who love them as possible. This includes the nanny, grandparents, etc. etc.

As long as this is an anonymous forum, I will just come out and state what I always felt: it's not HEALTHY for a woman whose sole purpose is to stay at home and not do anything else. It would be different if the husband also stayed at home, then you are just people of leisure and you have company. But this weird ideal that is imposed on American women that you should shoulder ALL of the childrearing and housekeeping while your husband works 80 hours a week and travels all the time is imbalanced.

Wonderfully said on all counts.

Yes, of course. We should all have our children cared for by brown subalterns while we work hobby jobs at "the Embassy" and prepare our "legacy drawers." Global lifestyle arbitrage, baby, it's the new gentrification!!!

Huh? For all we know OP could be a black american with an asian or white "subaltern".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never pay a stranger to raise my kids. It horrifies me just thinking about it.

Maybe not. But i'd happily pay a stranger to all the other chores around the house so I could spend quality time with my kid.

ugh. this is what I hear all the time from fellow sahms here in the U.S.

of course we all love our kids beyond belief, but are we really sending them the right message and preparing them for meaningful lives if we pay other people to clean up after us so we can spend more time focusing on our little centers of the universe?

I know I am exaggerating, forgive me PP, but for the sake of making a point...sure, it would be fun to live the life of leisure and never lift a finger, and children are important, BUT I actually think people are happier when they find some meaning out of the collective work that we all do to run a household, and our kids are more likable when they learn to model a certain level of taking care of one's own things and taking responsibility for one's own messes and such.

That said, in a household where there are multiple kids under the age when they can be trusted by themselves (varies depending on the kid, but infants, toddlers, preschoolers can all qualify) it makes NO SENSE for one person to be responsible for caring for them, cooking, and cleaning. It is hard to cook good, nutritious, varied meals when you have babies or children underneath, and trying to clean while caring for kids is like shoveling snow in the middle of a blizzard. It makes total sense to get help if you can afford it.

You can't hack it. We get it.

[Anonymous]

We gave up our nearby families, friends, good schools, and home that we loved to come try to do a meaningful job that would help our country in our small way.

Yeaaaah....you had me until this OP. As far as this particular nanny debate goes, I think people should do whatever is best for their families, end of story. So I don't have a dog in the SAH/WOH/nanny fight. But it's pretty tough to follow you from the concept of your legacy drawer to the patriotic sacrifice implied above.