Giving kids a down payment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four kids. We’ve paid for college and grad school for all, nice weddings for the three who got married, and yes provided down payment assistance to the ones who bought houses. In one instance, we even set up a private mortgage for one of the kids—where we were the lender—because they had just got out of college and landed a nice job and a great condo had just gone on the market at a good price right where they were going to work. They had the qualifying income but hadn’t been working long enough to qualify for a bank loan. A year or two later they refinanced and got a bank loan and paid us off.

The point is, you do what you can and adjust to the circumstances. Giving each kid a set $100k amount for a “down payment” is stupid—you wait and see what the actual need is and help then. And when doing it you don’t keep score.

Chances are someone is keeping score. I mean a kid who gets married and buys a house gets $150k or more and another kid who is renting and dating gets nothing? I don’t think it’s stupid to give the same amount to everyone whenever you are handing out these sums.

We have a kid who rents and will forever be single (by firm choice) and doesn’t give a rat’s ass if we help out her siblings who have made different choices. We’ve helped her out plenty and always will and she knows it. She’s quite happy knowing that her little nieces and nephews have nice places to live. I’m sorry to disappoint, but not every family on DCUM is dysfunctional.

Why does it matter the form of how your kid puts a roof over their head? Her nieces and nephews would still have a roof over their heads if that kid rented.

This is what I don’t get…why wouldn’t you give the equivalent down payment to a child who plans to invest it and rent. That could easily be a better use of money than owning a condo.

My kid with children wanted to buy a house in the neighborhood she was renting in and had more than enough income to qualify but not enough down payment. So we helped with that. My single kid who is renting is not looking for a house or a condo right now, but when she does, we will help her too. In the meantime, we are not keeping score. We help when necessary and when asked. I just don’t understand why it’s so complicated. My kids don’t care.

I mean you aren’t exactly the best judge of whether your kids care? In my family my parents paid for my sibling’s two kids to go to private school (k-12) and never offered anything to us. I wouldn’t say I resent it — I consider any gifts from my parents to be bonus and not anything to expect— but it occasionally occurs to me it might have been nice to have been asked if we were interested in help for private school.

[Anonymous]

Appreciate the answers on this thread - not quite there yet, but was wondering what to do when there is a spouse - to protect my kid and the money. Looks like trust is the answer? Will have to find a lawyer to get it right.

People who are "offended" by OP's question should just move on. If this situation doesn't apply to you, no need to insult the OP. Every single thread on DCUM will apply to some people and not others. If no one posted anything just because others were worse off, there would literally be no threads, unless you are broke, in a war zone, sick, and a slave, and maybe missing part of your body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:we set up brokerage accounts for our kids many years ago. each of three kids have about 300k right now. they can use it anyway they want. we are not giving any more or paying for their wedding. we are done

Our two have similar balances but we've told them it's for a downpayment. We'll contribute to weddings when the time comes, hopefully in the next 5-10 years. Otherwise, we are done with direct contributions. We plan to take them along on family vacations as long as they'll go with us.

pp you are responding to. your approach is similar to our approach. not paying for wedding is not money issue for us. we want them to be able to pay for themselves - "if you can't pay for your own wedding, you are not ready to get married" is our message. we stopped funding their accounts but rethinking whether we should restart.

This is very odd to me but to each their own I guess.

That’s a good way to not end up with grandkids.

A fancy wedding is not a prerequisite for marriage.

I totally agree but that’s part of why I don’t get the first PP’s suggestion that saving for a wedding is a sign you are ready to get married. One couple could get married at the courthouse and have people over for dinner and another couple could have 150 relatives at a sit down dinner and neither indicates anything about their readiness for marriage, or even their financial smarts.

Either you misunderstood me or I didn't make myself clear. Whether my kids decided to get married at the courthouse (one of them is actually thinking about it) or invite 150 ppl is totally up to them. We just want them to "own" their decision and pay for it.

- first pp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four kids. We’ve paid for college and grad school for all, nice weddings for the three who got married, and yes provided down payment assistance to the ones who bought houses. In one instance, we even set up a private mortgage for one of the kids—where we were the lender—because they had just got out of college and landed a nice job and a great condo had just gone on the market at a good price right where they were going to work. They had the qualifying income but hadn’t been working long enough to qualify for a bank loan. A year or two later they refinanced and got a bank loan and paid us off.

The point is, you do what you can and adjust to the circumstances. Giving each kid a set $100k amount for a “down payment” is stupid—you wait and see what the actual need is and help then. And when doing it you don’t keep score.

Chances are someone is keeping score. I mean a kid who gets married and buys a house gets $150k or more and another kid who is renting and dating gets nothing? I don’t think it’s stupid to give the same amount to everyone whenever you are handing out these sums.

We have a kid who rents and will forever be single (by firm choice) and doesn’t give a rat’s ass if we help out her siblings who have made different choices. We’ve helped her out plenty and always will and she knows it. She’s quite happy knowing that her little nieces and nephews have nice places to live. I’m sorry to disappoint, but not every family on DCUM is dysfunctional.

Why does it matter the form of how your kid puts a roof over their head? Her nieces and nephews would still have a roof over their heads if that kid rented.

This is what I don’t get…why wouldn’t you give the equivalent down payment to a child who plans to invest it and rent. That could easily be a better use of money than owning a condo.

My kid with children wanted to buy a house in the neighborhood she was renting in and had more than enough income to qualify but not enough down payment. So we helped with that. My single kid who is renting is not looking for a house or a condo right now, but when she does, we will help her too. In the meantime, we are not keeping score. We help when necessary and when asked. I just don’t understand why it’s so complicated. My kids don’t care.

I mean you aren’t exactly the best judge of whether your kids care? In my family my parents paid for my sibling’s two kids to go to private school (k-12) and never offered anything to us. I wouldn’t say I resent it — I consider any gifts from my parents to be bonus and not anything to expect— but it occasionally occurs to me it might have been nice to have been asked if we were interested in help for private school.

Well yes, that is just rude. IMO, if you are giving one kid $X, then you should offer similar to all of your kids. Yes you don't keep score exactly, but you also don't penalize one for being successful and the other for being a messed up failure or anywhere in between. If you offer to pay for K-12, HS, and/or College for any grandkid, it should also be offered for all of them. Only time that doesn't matter is if one kid/family is ridiculously wealthy. In my family KID1 has filed bankruptcy, always overspends, will never change, constantly struggling, Kid2---good job and spouse with good job, UMC+ but not rich, Kid 3: UHNW and was always well on the path to that. As Kid 3, we have never taken any "handouts" from our parents, instead we give back to them and to Kid1's kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four kids. We’ve paid for college and grad school for all, nice weddings for the three who got married, and yes provided down payment assistance to the ones who bought houses. In one instance, we even set up a private mortgage for one of the kids—where we were the lender—because they had just got out of college and landed a nice job and a great condo had just gone on the market at a good price right where they were going to work. They had the qualifying income but hadn’t been working long enough to qualify for a bank loan. A year or two later they refinanced and got a bank loan and paid us off.

The point is, you do what you can and adjust to the circumstances. Giving each kid a set $100k amount for a “down payment” is stupid—you wait and see what the actual need is and help then. And when doing it you don’t keep score.

Chances are someone is keeping score. I mean a kid who gets married and buys a house gets $150k or more and another kid who is renting and dating gets nothing? I don’t think it’s stupid to give the same amount to everyone whenever you are handing out these sums.

We have a kid who rents and will forever be single (by firm choice) and doesn’t give a rat’s ass if we help out her siblings who have made different choices. We’ve helped her out plenty and always will and she knows it. She’s quite happy knowing that her little nieces and nephews have nice places to live. I’m sorry to disappoint, but not every family on DCUM is dysfunctional.

Why does it matter the form of how your kid puts a roof over their head? Her nieces and nephews would still have a roof over their heads if that kid rented.

This is what I don’t get…why wouldn’t you give the equivalent down payment to a child who plans to invest it and rent. That could easily be a better use of money than owning a condo.

My kid with children wanted to buy a house in the neighborhood she was renting in and had more than enough income to qualify but not enough down payment. So we helped with that. My single kid who is renting is not looking for a house or a condo right now, but when she does, we will help her too. In the meantime, we are not keeping score. We help when necessary and when asked. I just don’t understand why it’s so complicated. My kids don’t care.

I mean you aren’t exactly the best judge of whether your kids care? In my family my parents paid for my sibling’s two kids to go to private school (k-12) and never offered anything to us. I wouldn’t say I resent it — I consider any gifts from my parents to be bonus and not anything to expect— but it occasionally occurs to me it might have been nice to have been asked if we were interested in help for private school.

Well your parents were idiots for paying for any kid to go to private school. No way in hell would we do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four kids. We’ve paid for college and grad school for all, nice weddings for the three who got married, and yes provided down payment assistance to the ones who bought houses. In one instance, we even set up a private mortgage for one of the kids—where we were the lender—because they had just got out of college and landed a nice job and a great condo had just gone on the market at a good price right where they were going to work. They had the qualifying income but hadn’t been working long enough to qualify for a bank loan. A year or two later they refinanced and got a bank loan and paid us off.

The point is, you do what you can and adjust to the circumstances. Giving each kid a set $100k amount for a “down payment” is stupid—you wait and see what the actual need is and help then. And when doing it you don’t keep score.

Chances are someone is keeping score. I mean a kid who gets married and buys a house gets $150k or more and another kid who is renting and dating gets nothing? I don’t think it’s stupid to give the same amount to everyone whenever you are handing out these sums.

We have a kid who rents and will forever be single (by firm choice) and doesn’t give a rat’s ass if we help out her siblings who have made different choices. We’ve helped her out plenty and always will and she knows it. She’s quite happy knowing that her little nieces and nephews have nice places to live. I’m sorry to disappoint, but not every family on DCUM is dysfunctional.

Why does it matter the form of how your kid puts a roof over their head? Her nieces and nephews would still have a roof over their heads if that kid rented.

This is what I don’t get…why wouldn’t you give the equivalent down payment to a child who plans to invest it and rent. That could easily be a better use of money than owning a condo.

My kid with children wanted to buy a house in the neighborhood she was renting in and had more than enough income to qualify but not enough down payment. So we helped with that. My single kid who is renting is not looking for a house or a condo right now, but when she does, we will help her too. In the meantime, we are not keeping score. We help when necessary and when asked. I just don’t understand why it’s so complicated. My kids don’t care.

I mean you aren’t exactly the best judge of whether your kids care? In my family my parents paid for my sibling’s two kids to go to private school (k-12) and never offered anything to us. I wouldn’t say I resent it — I consider any gifts from my parents to be bonus and not anything to expect— but it occasionally occurs to me it might have been nice to have been asked if we were interested in help for private school.

Well your parents were idiots for paying for any kid to go to private school. No way in hell would we do that.

Well let me add to this. Were your kids already IN private? And do you have a lot more money than your siblings?

Our oldest kid did apply for their middle schooler to go to DC privates while struggling with the public/charter lottery, but did not ask nor did we offer to help pay once she got in. And in the end they didn’t want to pay the tuition and didn’t go.

In this instance, we viewed their decision to live where they are living knowing about the schooling situation and still not making a move to the suburbs or whatever to be on them. We also don’t obsess over private schools like some families. We don’t think it’s necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad the discussion can't be tagged with HNW and see what those under $1m say

If you only have a NW of $1M and your kids are 22+, then you don't give them anything towards a house. You let them live at home until they are ready to buy. But you don't have enough to give them much if anything towards that. You need to save/plan for your own retirement

FYI, it's estimated that only 18% of all US households have a NW of $1MM+.

If you include homes, I think it is higher than that. But if not, then nope, those parents should not be gifting $100K to their kids for a home, unless it's a home where the parents will also be living as they age (and be taken care of by those kids).

Nope. That includes home equity with an average of $300k.

Something like 60% of households can't even afford an emergency $1,000 expense. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/saving-money-emergency-expenses-2025/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have four kids. We’ve paid for college and grad school for all, nice weddings for the three who got married, and yes provided down payment assistance to the ones who bought houses. In one instance, we even set up a private mortgage for one of the kids—where we were the lender—because they had just got out of college and landed a nice job and a great condo had just gone on the market at a good price right where they were going to work. They had the qualifying income but hadn’t been working long enough to qualify for a bank loan. A year or two later they refinanced and got a bank loan and paid us off.

The point is, you do what you can and adjust to the circumstances. Giving each kid a set $100k amount for a “down payment” is stupid—you wait and see what the actual need is and help then. And when doing it you don’t keep score.

Chances are someone is keeping score. I mean a kid who gets married and buys a house gets $150k or more and another kid who is renting and dating gets nothing? I don’t think it’s stupid to give the same amount to everyone whenever you are handing out these sums.

We have a kid who rents and will forever be single (by firm choice) and doesn’t give a rat’s ass if we help out her siblings who have made different choices. We’ve helped her out plenty and always will and she knows it. She’s quite happy knowing that her little nieces and nephews have nice places to live. I’m sorry to disappoint, but not every family on DCUM is dysfunctional.

Why does it matter the form of how your kid puts a roof over their head? Her nieces and nephews would still have a roof over their heads if that kid rented.

This is what I don’t get…why wouldn’t you give the equivalent down payment to a child who plans to invest it and rent. That could easily be a better use of money than owning a condo.

My kid with children wanted to buy a house in the neighborhood she was renting in and had more than enough income to qualify but not enough down payment. So we helped with that. My single kid who is renting is not looking for a house or a condo right now, but when she does, we will help her too. In the meantime, we are not keeping score. We help when necessary and when asked. I just don’t understand why it’s so complicated. My kids don’t care.

I mean you aren’t exactly the best judge of whether your kids care? In my family my parents paid for my sibling’s two kids to go to private school (k-12) and never offered anything to us. I wouldn’t say I resent it — I consider any gifts from my parents to be bonus and not anything to expect— but it occasionally occurs to me it might have been nice to have been asked if we were interested in help for private school.

Well your parents were idiots for paying for any kid to go to private school. No way in hell would we do that.

So then you don't do that. But it's not stupid to pay for education, if the parents can afford it. What's wrong is them not offering to do it for all grandkids, IMO. You don't play favorites.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too bad the discussion can't be tagged with HNW and see what those under $1m say

If you only have a NW of $1M and your kids are 22+, then you don't give them anything towards a house. You let them live at home until they are ready to buy. But you don't have enough to give them much if anything towards that. You need to save/plan for your own retirement

FYI, it's estimated that only 18% of all US households have a NW of $1MM+.

If you include homes, I think it is higher than that. But if not, then nope, those parents should not be gifting $100K to their kids for a home, unless it's a home where the parents will also be living as they age (and be taken care of by those kids).

Nope. That includes home equity with an average of $300k.

Something like 60% of households can't even afford an emergency $1,000 expense. https://www.cbsnews.com/news/saving-money-emergency-expenses-2025/

I'm aware of that. And my point still stands, that if you cannot afford your own future/retirement, you should NOT be giving your kids money for a downpayment. The best way you can help them is to NOT be a burden to the during your retirement. The most you can do is offer to let them live at home (if space and it would work) for no rent or minimal rent, so they can save for a better future. In 2-3 years they could have $30-40K+ saved. That's the smart path---it wont cost you much more to have them home, and they can save rather than paying rent/utilities/internet/etc they can have for only $100 or so per month at your home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This board is insane sometimes. Idk a single person whose parents helped them buy a house

I know a few people. At this stage of life you really start to notice how family wealth is a huge divide between the haves and have nots. You can be crushing it in your early 30’s with a 400k/yr job but still struggle to buy a detached house and some kid who makes 1/3 your income with rich parents goes and buys a $2M house in cash. I met a few people irl who fall into this category.

It’s not about how much you make it’s about how rich your parents are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People here really love to humble brag about their wealth. Tone deaf, especially when so many people are struggling right now.

How on earth can you do a humble brag on an anonymous forum???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This board is insane sometimes. Idk a single person whose parents helped them buy a house

I know a few people. At this stage of life you really start to notice how family wealth is a huge divide between the haves and have nots. You can be crushing it in your early 30’s with a 400k/yr job but still struggle to buy a detached house and some kid who makes 1/3 your income with rich parents goes and buys a $2M house in cash. I met a few people irl who fall into this category.

It’s not about how much you make it’s about how rich your parents are.

1000%

We make $600-700K early 30s and our friends making 1/3 that live much larger because of significant family $. Life isn’t fair and we aren’t complaining - we’re super lucky / blessed with what we have - but it’s obvious it makes a difference. The worst is how these same friends cosplay being middle class, that’s what drives me nuts - just own that you’re getting help and that’s how you can afford to be a 30 YO fed in a $2M house with a nanny and night nurse and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:we set up brokerage accounts for our kids many years ago. each of three kids have about 300k right now. they can use it anyway they want. we are not giving any more or paying for their wedding. we are done

Love this!

PP, can you share a bit more on this one? Do you manage it, does your kids know about this? How, when will they be able to access the fund?

[Anonymous]

What’s funny is how many people in my upper NW neighborhood feel like they’re part of the elite when they can only afford their UMC lifestyle because their parents gave them 300k for their bachelor’s degree, 100k for their advanced degree, helped them rent their first apartment, a large downpayment, and they pay 100k for private school each year for their kids. They truly believe they live in a meritocracy and they think they are good people because they vote dem.

But they would never ever ever go out of their way to make even small changes for the environment or their local community because they do not know sacrifice and they cannot live without incredible comfort. They think paying taxes is their way of giving back because lord knows how much value they create for their shareholders and how employing their housecleaners is such an altruistic deed.

OP, if your kids are genuinely good people, go for it. But consider doing something to save this craphole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This board is insane sometimes. Idk a single person whose parents helped them buy a house

I know a few people. At this stage of life you really start to notice how family wealth is a huge divide between the haves and have nots. You can be crushing it in your early 30’s with a 400k/yr job but still struggle to buy a detached house and some kid who makes 1/3 your income with rich parents goes and buys a $2M house in cash. I met a few people irl who fall into this category.

It’s not about how much you make it’s about how rich your parents are.

1000%

We make $600-700K early 30s and our friends making 1/3 that live much larger because of significant family $. Life isn’t fair and we aren’t complaining - we’re super lucky / blessed with what we have - but it’s obvious it makes a difference. The worst is how these same friends cosplay being middle class, that’s what drives me nuts - just own that you’re getting help and that’s how you can afford to be a 30 YO fed in a $2M house with a nanny and night nurse and move on.

Lol, “life isn’t fair”? I mean, you’re damn right. There is zero way you are contributing anything worth 700k to society. Get bent you wanker.