should I watch one grandchild for free?
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Anonymous
| OP, can you honestly say that you gave both your daughter and son an equal opportunity to request (or reject) childcare from you? It sounds to me like your daughter asked first, you agreed and told your son, and then your son and DIL found their own childcare since you told them you were effectively unavailable. |
Anonymous
They live an hour away. Unless DS/DIL's work location is close to grandma, how would that even work? It would be a 2hr roundtrip twice a day to take the baby to grandma's house. No amount of free childcare would have been worth that for me. I agree with many of the previous points made though- fulltime childcare even for one baby is a big commitment and will leave you little time for anything else (or the other grandchild). I would think hard about that and see if part-time might be an option, or set an end date once the baby is a toddler. |
Anonymous
Agree with this. My parents are a similar distance and we didn't want them to be our FT childcare (they would have been happy to) for various reasons. Out relationship is better this way. They do babysit and help out ad hoc |
Anonymous
Not rich (at that point). Just chose to have a SAHP, so that means you can tag along when the working parent goes on a work trip. That means we only pay for my airfare and the 3-4 extra days at a location. I get to explore and stay for free during the week (hotel room is paid for by work for the working spouse). It's the perks of having parents nearby who are willing to watch the kids for 7-10 days at a time. And 3 weeks in Hawaii can be done in a 2 bedroom condo for $300/night You have many of your meals in the condo and it doesn't cost that much. $300 per night for 6 people....not a bad deal. You don't have to stay in 2 $500+/night hotel rooms and eat every meal out. |
Anonymous
Sure, being gone for 7-10 days at a time 4-5 times per year does not mean someone else is raising them. This didn't start happening until the kids were 3-4 years old. My oldest wasn't away from me overnight until my 2nd was born (when they were 4.5 years old) and the youngest wasn't away until they were almost 2.5 years old. My kids had a great time bonding with grandparents who lived 2.5 hours away by spending quality time with them every 6-8 weeks for a week+. BUt we were raising them. Do you also say that kids who go to daycare are not "raised by their parents"? Because in the under 5 years, I was with my kids 24/7 except for the 3-4 hours at preschool (age 3-5) a few days per week. In the first 5 years of their lives, I spent way more time with my kids than anyone who "works outside the home" does. |
Anonymous
This My 82 year old mother (that’s not a typo) still harbors resentment towards her younger sister because my grandmother watched my aunt’s kids for free. |
Anonymous
This is my MIL’s nightmare. She has two daughters, each with toddlers. She maniacally tracks how many days she spends with each to make it as fair as possible. There has been tension in the past between the sisters because one requested a lot more help than the other, which crowded out the available days but also created the perception of favoritism. |
Anonymous
Ugh, as the child everyone says is “fiercely independent” I hate this for your “fiercely independent” child. Consider that maybe that child was socialized not to ask for help/to believe that she wasn’t allowed to need help. |
Anonymous
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As a DIL I have noticed the difference in how my family is prioritized. My MIL was in the hospital and there for several weeks after to help when my SIL's had their babies. She didn't visit mine until they were almost a month old and only stayed for 1-2 days. Over the years she has visited SILs far more frequently whereas we have a standing invite to visit them but they only come to us once every 3 years or so. (We are in the middle distance wise. No one is local. Think 5 hrs, 10 hrs, cross country flight) If you counted it all up, she has probably spent 7-8x more hours with my nieces/nephews at least). Now that the kids are all teens, it is obvious that MIL has a closer relationship with the other kids. She doesn't love them more. She just knows them better.
I think this stems from multiple things. MIL is scared to impose, DH never asks for help/visits, I have a good but not super close relationship with MIL, etc. SILs, on the other hand, want their mom and ask her to visit constantly- so she does. MIL likes to be needed, and they seem to "need" her more than we do. We visit 2-3 times a year, but they are 10 hours away.. so its tough to go more often. There is no bad blood, but it is sadly apparent that there is a different relationship and it bled into how the children interact with their grandparents (and each other). Bottom line- I don't think there is anything wrong with what you are offering- but it will impact relationships over time. Doesn't mean you love them less, and they will still know the love is equal. But time is so precious. |
Anonymous
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Totally fine to do. Might not be the choice I would make, but it is fine. People have rightly pointed out that this might impact future relationships but they have also rightly pointed out the closer child will likely pitch in more when you reach the point of needing help.
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Anonymous
This! My MIL would describe DH in the same way and uses it as justification for blatant favoritism. Just because we would never be so wildly entitled to outright ask for free daily childcare or preschool/private school tuition support like DH’s sibling doesn’t mean that kind of help wouldn’t be nice! |
Anonymous
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Go ahead and watch your new grandbaby.
I'm a mom who paid for childcare for both my kids, because our parents aren't close enough to watch them for us. It would be nice to save the money, but we understood that we would need to move to make that work. I don't begrudge my brother who still lives near my parents for getting free help, nor do I blame them for spending that time on him and his kids. If I'm going to give you any advice, it might be to work out more regular time to see your other grandkids, just to develop/maintain a close relationship, not necessarily as childcare. Visit them for lunch or dinner once a month? Offer to take the kids for a weekend on occasion? |
Anonymous
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Serious question
Can you watch none of those grandkids? |
Anonymous
+100 Fiercely independent kid here, which in my family simply translates to "your sister needs help" or "your brother is in a bad way right now". This is the start of almost every conversation: the boundaries have been set and they amount to no energy left for whatever I called about. |
Anonymous
Yeah, this would be my solution. I raised my kids, not gonna raise someone else's, not even my grandchildren. |