should I watch one grandchild for free?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s usually the wife who decides and who knows if your DIL even wants you to watch the baby. Besides she has her own parents.

This is the typical boy mom thought. They always make sure they know that boys families come second to their daughters.

I don’t have a daughter. But I can totally see my DIL having clear ideas on how to raise her baby and not wanting me around (or only wanting me if I adhere to her strict guidelines). Which is fine, just needs to be acknowledged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s usually the wife who decides and who knows if your DIL even wants you to watch the baby. Besides she has her own parents.

This is the typical boy mom thought. They always make sure they know that boys families come second to their daughters.

The real tension here IMO is with your DIL, not your son. Many would say of course, your daughter takes precedence over your DIL - and if your DIL is resentful, she isn't going to voice it. If it worries you, think about how you can nip this in the bud. I think a good faith effort here is to proactively offer that you will be available with some advance notice to help, you have already told your daughter that she needs a backup plan for those days, and that it is very important to you to spend a lot of time with your grandchild.

[Anonymous]

The moral of the story is… the closer you live to your parents the more benefits you get (unless parents completely dysfunctional).
Move your parents to you or move closer to them the first chance you get. It’s also easier with eldercare later, as well as keeping an eye on family resources, fending off all kinds of scammers and opportunists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The moral of the story is… the closer you live to your parents the more benefits you get (unless parents completely dysfunctional).
Move your parents to you or move closer to them the first chance you get. It’s also easier with eldercare later, as well as keeping an eye on family resources, fending off all kinds of scammers and opportunists.

What if your sibling lives on the other side of the country? Do you still get to unilaterally “move your patents to you”?

[Anonymous]

Similar to others: We did not live close enough to grandparents for them to help with regular childcare. Siblings did, and that was fine. Those same siblings have also been the ones to assist the parents more as they got elderly and needed help. Which seemed more than fair to us.

[Anonymous]

I'm the DIL in this situation! (Not really, kids are teens now and DS didn't start daycare til he was 2). It was never an issue for us. We never would have dreamed of asking MIL to drive that far to provide care. In laws watched DS so DH and I could date nights or nights away together, so they got to form a bond that way. And I think MIL felt like she made up for it a bit. But yeah, definitely no issues from our end that MIL provided FT care to niece and not DS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The moral of the story is… the closer you live to your parents the more benefits you get (unless parents completely dysfunctional).
Move your parents to you or move closer to them the first chance you get. It’s also easier with eldercare later, as well as keeping an eye on family resources, fending off all kinds of scammers and opportunists.

What if your sibling lives on the other side of the country? Do you still get to unilaterally “move your patents to you”?

The proactive bird gets the worm. Be the sibling who keeps their parents close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar to others: We did not live close enough to grandparents for them to help with regular childcare. Siblings did, and that was fine. Those same siblings have also been the ones to assist the parents more as they got elderly and needed help. Which seemed more than fair to us.

How was the relationship with grandkids and the inheritance division? Just curious

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fair might mean watching grandkids for 9 days while parents go on vacation. Dh and I would do just about anything for my parents who give us this. It way more precious than daycare. Daycare is easy to get, overnight care is not.

I would also think that the local child will help you more. My grandparents watched my cousin who was local to them. My aunt helps me grandparents nonstop now.

We lived 2.5 hours from my parents when our kids were young. They grew up seeing G&G 2-3 weekends a month, and with them watching the kids for probably 2+ months total a year while we travelled/got away (husband travels a lot for work). Kids loved this, and are very close to their grandparents.
In return, we took G&G with us on several family vacations to places my parents would never have paid for themselves. Yes, they also watched the kids for a few dinners when we did that, but they loved it and didn't mind at all. They got multiple tropical vacations (including Hawaii for 21 days) and quality time with their grandkids. what more could you ask for.

It's easy to get away when you know the kids dont' really care that you are gone because G&G have arrived for 7-10 days.

Congrats on being rich.

[Anonymous]

I’d offer to watch every grandchild brought to my home. The prohibitive commute will mean that the status quo will not have changed, but you will have offered equal treatment to both children.

My parents took care of our first DC with this caveat. They were wonderful caretakers, but didn’t want to drive much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fair might mean watching grandkids for 9 days while parents go on vacation. Dh and I would do just about anything for my parents who give us this. It way more precious than daycare. Daycare is easy to get, overnight care is not.

I would also think that the local child will help you more. My grandparents watched my cousin who was local to them. My aunt helps me grandparents nonstop now.

We lived 2.5 hours from my parents when our kids were young. They grew up seeing G&G 2-3 weekends a month, and with them watching the kids for probably 2+ months total a year while we travelled/got away (husband travels a lot for work). Kids loved this, and are very close to their grandparents.
In return, we took G&G with us on several family vacations to places my parents would never have paid for themselves. Yes, they also watched the kids for a few dinners when we did that, but they loved it and didn't mind at all. They got multiple tropical vacations (including Hawaii for 21 days) and quality time with their grandkids. what more could you ask for.

It's easy to get away when you know the kids dont' really care that you are gone because G&G have arrived for 7-10 days.

Yeah, your kids don’t mind when you are gone because your parents are raising them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Add me to the chorus of people who have been in your son’s position. My SIL is getting divorced and my ILs are supporting her, so there’s no resentment but we have seen them once since this arrangement began almost a year ago. We are all very worried about my SIL and the kids but if this goes on long term they will not have much relationship with our kids if any. This arrangement makes the other kids the priority, you will not have the freedom to see your son’s kids on a weekday as long as you are doing this. You will have to clear any vacation you take with your son’s family with your daughter. And you will be very very tired.

I would do this for the first year only. Unless you are very young and in great health you will not be up for 9 hours a day with a toddler. The grandparents I see watching 3 year olds look exhausted and default to handing them a phone A LOT. Daycare is actually pretty great for toddlers, especially if they don’t have a long day.

I don’t think this is necessarily true. OP is doing this voluntarily, as a favor. She can change it up at any time. She can take vacation when she likes. If daughter doesn’t like it, she can shell out major ducats for childcare that she can boss around.

[Anonymous]

Once that DIL gets wind - prepare for distance and tension.

Good luck w that though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The moral of the story is… the closer you live to your parents the more benefits you get (unless parents completely dysfunctional).
Move your parents to you or move closer to them the first chance you get. It’s also easier with eldercare later, as well as keeping an eye on family resources, fending off all kinds of scammers and opportunists.

Alternatively- have your parents move closer to you! Ours did.

I wouldn’t see grandparents watching kids daily as a benefit. Grandparents babysitting once a year while parents going on vacation is golden though! That’s the real prize.

[Anonymous]

I would offer to watch your DS’s kids for a weekend. You are being unfair, which is completely fine because that’s life. But you need to be sure to make the effort with all your grandkids.

We are the DS in this situation and my kids completely notice their grandparents only care about their cousins. It sucks. And DH and I haven’t had a night away from our kids in 8 years his sister goes away multiple times a year. It has definitely impacted our relationship and the relationship between DH and SIL.