should I watch one grandchild for free?

[Anonymous]

My adult daughter and son each are expecting this winter. I've agreed to watch my daughter's baby full time when she goes back to work as it's a fairly easy morning ride over to my house. My son and his wife live almost an hour away, so it was never even a question that I'd be able to watch their baby. They didn't ask me, but rather signed up with a daycare.

A friend made a comment that it wasn't fair that I'd be watching one baby for free while the other set of parents pays thousands a month. They can probably afford it more than my daughter and her husband can, and they haven't said anything to me, but now I'm wondering if I'm setting myself up for trouble and ideas of favoritism. Is there any way to make this fair? Should I even try?

[Anonymous]

Don't even try. For all you know they don't even want you to-- family babysitting can come with a lot of pros and cons.

If you want to level things out a little bit, offer them a weekend of babysitting so that they can have a little vacation. But that would not happen until the baby is older.

[Anonymous]

If both kids show up at your house, watch them. Otherwise equal isn't equitable. Two hours of commuting is probably worth the money to them.

[Anonymous]

What does your son say when you ask him if he's upset about the imbalance? It may be moot.

Alternatively, you could offer to help pay the daycare bill (all or in part).

[Anonymous]

Fair isn't always equal - that is my motto. If they need more help, just help them. It is okay and kind of you. If they are in a pinch, they can use you Or for date nights or weekends away.

[Anonymous]

Your friend should stay out of it. This is not how any of it works.

[Anonymous]

Do you want to provide full time daycare? That would be a hard no for me.

[Anonymous]

I think it is very inequitable and yes, there will likely be some resentment. Don't be surprised when your DIL leans on her family more and your son ends up with his ILs for holidays, etc. And you will naturally end up having a much closer relationship with your daughter's child, which is completely normal considering you'll be spending so much time together. But that difference will be very obvious at gatherings and will probably be a source of additional resentment. It's lovely that you want to help your daughter and I hope she recognizes and appreciates what you are giving her. If I were in your shoes and I had the means, I would say to my son "I'm going to give you guys $xxx a month for the next two years to help with daycare. I'm helping Lisa with her baby, but I want to help you too." It will go a long way to making it not feel so much like you have a favorite.

[Anonymous]

I think there's a chance you will inspire talk of favoritism. But there's also a very real chance that you'll develop a MUCH closer bond to your daughter's children than your son's, and that's what would worry me.

I'd make it clear that you're available for babysitting for your son too - it won't be 40 hours/week and will have to be planned in advance, but if you are too tired from watching the one baby to ever spend time with the other then you're going to have bigger problems than resentment.

[Anonymous]

Well first watching a baby full time is a HUGE favor even for a grandma to offer. So yes, I think it's pretty glaring in terms of how much you help dd vs ds right there. I think it's worth telling your ds openly, I know I am helping Suzie a lot right now, and I really want to help you guys too down the line when you guys need childcare on the weekends, but I think you are setting yourself up for a ton of work in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't even try. For all you know they don't even want you to-- family babysitting can come with a lot of pros and cons.

If you want to level things out a little bit, offer them a weekend of babysitting so that they can have a little vacation. But that would not happen until the baby is older.

+1

They may not even want you to, and even if they did- surely they understand that the distance would make it difficult. I’d just let them know you are willing to cover a weekend sometime if they want (if you are willing).

[Anonymous]

I would, because that means this child will get better care - if the alternative is daycare center, you need to step up. You’ll be grateful that you did.

[Anonymous]

You're doing a really kind thing, and you will have a lovely bond with your grandkid. It doesn't have to be a negative for the other family; it just doesn't make sense in this situation. They're not even thinking about it, frankly.

Your friend is creating a problem where none exists. Don't listen to her.

[Anonymous]

Fair might mean watching grandkids for 9 days while parents go on vacation. Dh and I would do just about anything for my parents who give us this. It way more precious than daycare. Daycare is easy to get, overnight care is not.

I would also think that the local child will help you more. My grandparents watched my cousin who was local to them. My aunt helps me grandparents nonstop now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would, because that means this child will get better care - if the alternative is daycare center, you need to step up. You’ll be grateful that you did.

Depends but sort of agree. Most grandparents are not as interactive as a nanny or daycare. My parents are great with my kids but only for a few hours. They’d never plan play dates or take the kids on daily adventures.