Blending families

[Anonymous]

Not everyone inherits, even in intact families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone inherits, even in intact families.

That's not the point here. The point is that OP should open her eyes to what's at stake for the daughter, whatever it may be in their specific situation.

[Anonymous]

OP said " I want to make sure that she knows that I'm not here to compete for her father's attention and that she will always remain a priority in his life and that I am also here to support her."

Does "You inherit nothing and I inherit everything" fit with that? I think not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Serious question: why the need to get married?

+1

I would never marry again and impose all of this on my kids, no matter their age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry for your loss. But I would not date this man. Why did he need your help to have a proper relationship with his ex? Why couldn't he do that on his own? It sounds like you had to basically parent him into it.

As for his daughter, you definitely are competition for his attention, and it's foolish to pretend you aren't. "Blended" families require a clear-eyed assessment of the many different people involved, their interests, and what is at stake for them. Don't fool yourself about this.

He did establish a more cordial relationship with the ex-wife, but I feel that I helped make this transition even a bit easier and she seems friendly towards me. I am not foolish or pretending that I do not notice that this is not easy for his daughter. I am asking for advice on how to make this easier. His daughter is very friendly towards me and we even hung out together and went shopping. But I know that she is very close to her father and I definitely do not want to overlook anything. We have been together for almost three years and it has been a really good relationship for both of us.

Well, I don't think you're going to be willing or able to actually do the things that would make it easier for her. Honestly, stepfamily and stepsiblings are not always a good deal for adult children of divorce. Maybe your marriage will benefit his daughter in the long run, if you take care of him when he's old and you don't divorce. But it might not turn out that way. And there's no way you can credibly promise to do that-- it's basically a promise to stay married outlive him. And if she's still pretty young she might not even be thinking about that as a benefit you bring.

You need to open your eyes here. It's not just that it's hard for her emotionally! You say you are not in competition with her, but you 1000% are, and she knows it. You're proposing to consume a tremendous amount of his time and energy. You'll be wanting him to spend time with your extended family, and to play grandpa to your son's children if there are any. All that cuts into the time he has available for her and her future children. She won't be able to visit her father, ever, without potentially dealing with you and maybe your son and maybe your extended family too. Except when you so benevolently encourage 1:1 time so she gets what little you're willing to give her. And remember, she might not like you and your son as much as she's letting you think. (Wow, you went shopping one time in three years, that does not prove you are besties).

And if you're really not in competition, then you're going to have a prenup so that her potential inheritance stays exactly the same as it is now, right? Because if you don't, then the day you marry, her potential inheritance decreases dramatically-- maybe to zero. If you're really not in competition and she has nothing to lose here, put your money where your mouth is.

The setup you describe as ideal for adult children of divorce - 100% of parent’s time and money always available- presupposes that the parent remains alone and unpartnered till death, all for the sake of being fully available to his children. Do you think that’s a reasonable expectation?

And I do think it's reasonable to hope your parent will not entirely disinherit you. This is what prenups and wills are for. If OP is so sure the daughter has nothing to lose here, the OP should make financial arrangements accordingly.

Her boyfriend will age, get frail and need care even if he’s single. He may also want to buy a motorboat or something comparably extravagant. There is just no guarantee that there will be anything left to inherit, girlfriend or no girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do it. Stay in a committed relationship, for sure, but don’t marry. You are in easy years. The eldercare years and grandkid years are complicated and there’s a lot of conflict about responsibility and resources, including the resource of time. Based on what I’ve seen as an ACOD - and I’m 48 - I would never remarry.

100x this. Date, be partners, but don't marry and don't demand blending from others. And yes, time can be the hardest and scarcest resource of all.

You cannot really be partners and remain unblended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People really seem to be overreacting and not actually giving you the advice you’re asking for. I think some perspective could be that at some point his daughter will be happy that he found someone to grow old with. As she matures, she will realize the benefit of that for him, and eventually for her. My mom has no one, and it is a huge responsibility for me, for her happiness and her well-being. What a blessing that she can enjoy her dad and not have to worry about taking care of him later in life because he also has you.
I think you can have a conversation with her about how she is feeling and acknowledge that it must be hard and that you don’t ever want to get in the way of her and her dad. Give her full permission to approach you if she ever needs some alone time with her dad, and have her know that you will oblige.
There is no reason for you to not get married because of adult children. They have their own lives and will continue to do so. I’m sure it’s hard to have your dad’s wife in pictures but isn’t it also a blessing?!

Well, no. It may or may not be a blessing depending on how she behaves, how she treats people, and how their marriage goes. So stop with your Pollyanna divorce cheerleading. And it's funny how you think alone time with a parent requires explicit advance permission. I would never ask my dad's wife for that. She doesn't own him.

And you cannot assume that a new partner will be someone to grow old with. It's some bizarre delusion that you think his daughter won't have to care for him. The new wife might die. She might get sick and be too sick to take care of anyone and grow old with anyone. They might divorce again. She might be with him while he's healthy and fun, monopolize his time, make him blow off his grandkids in favor of hers, spend all his money, and then ditch him when he's old and sick. This go very badly. Adult children are definitely still worried about late-in-life care even when their parents have new spouses, because there's no way to predict how it will go and who will die first. Grow up and face reality. It's not as pretty as you're trying to make it seem.

And then there's the question of who cares for the step-parent-- does anyone really want MORE aging parents to take care of? I already have my father and mother and in-laws, I certainly don't want to add to the list.

You need therapy. You are so angry.

[Anonymous]

Effort but worth it. I did a prenup. My dc inherit most of my assets