Parents who provide zero guidance and support
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Anonymous
| After 75 years in this earth, all of my mother’s life advice comes from email forwards containing quotes or misquotes from major figures of the 20th century. |
Anonymous
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My parents were good people but not in touch with their own emotions and were uncomfortable with any emotional or personal conversation. They didn’t really give us any emotional support or guidance.
Interestingly it impacted all of us quite differently. It made me very responsible, independent, and resilient. I learned to manage my own emotions very well. The downside is I really don’t rely on anyone for anything. |
Anonymous
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Yes.
I don’t have siblings. I learned to avoid asking for help at all costs. It is very hard for me to ask for help even when serious problems. I’ve gone to therapy and read a lot of self help books to learn to parent myself. |
Anonymous
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I learned to be resilient and resourceful--how to get things done without relying on anyone else. That has served me well professionally. My emotional life is a work in progress and much of what I've learned has been the hard way. It's very hard to parent well when you had terrible role models, and my kids deserved better than what I was able to give them when they were small. But I have learned alongside them, mainly through therapy and also through a spiritual community and volunteer work with a mental health not-for-profit. There is always the opportunity to grow if you want it.
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Anonymous
+2. I was the only child. Both parents were completely uninvolved. I was also a latch key kid. I think it did teach me perseverance and don’t sweat the small stuff; however, I do still lack responsibility in some areas and I have low self esteem. |
Anonymous
I read a lot too. I learned to “continue learning” about EQ and myself in my forties. Unfortunately, this was prompted after a marriage spilt. Unfortunate bc I never focused on it before then. And that point, it was basically a requirement for me to reflect to move forward! I think I am a better and more compassionate parent for my second son. |
Anonymous
| I’m still working on parenting myself and I’m 53. Lots of therapy. My sister did not figure out much. It’s depressing; she acts like my horrible mother quite often. |
Anonymous
In my case my parents were very emotionally immature due to growing up with a lot of physical abuse and alcoholism in their homes. What happened is they turned to US for advice and support. Like from a young age my mom would ask my sister and I to listen to her talk about her problems and feelings and expect us to reassure her and help her feel better. This is an intensely heavy thing to put on a young child who is still trying to figure out who they are as a person. It's also scary -- to have your parent basically say to you "I am so sad and feel so lost and just need someone to reassure me and tell me it's going to be okay." Like if your 8 you are thinking "omg how do I know if it's going to be okay -- I though that's what you were for." Our dad also expected us to be super supportive of him and always ask him about his work and treat him extra kind when he came home because he'd had a rough day. At the same time my parents didn't know the names of my friends or what was going on in my life at all. When I got my period my sister had to show me what to do and she learned from a friend. We never got guidance about how to deal with other kids or adults or how to deal with our feelings. We were taught that our job was to manage other people's feelings and if others were unhappy or uncomfortable this was our fault. I remember a lot of my child was either dealing with my mom coming to me crying because she was upset or my dad screaming at us because he was upset. There was no room for us to have feelings. As adults we both became people pleasers who struggled to be in touch with our own wants or needs. It has taken years to untangle that in order to avoid codependent relationships. For many years I was easily targeted by people (friends and boyfriends and colleagues and work mentors) who sussed out that I would be accommodating and pleasing and would try to take advantage of that. I would do anything to please them because they would praise and approve of me (something I rarely if ever got as a child and therefore constantly crave) but then I'd start to feel the relationship was imbalanced and would try to assert myself or some boundaries and they'd become angry and withholding. Basically reliving my relationship with my parents through multiple people. I am in my 40s now and I still struggle but am in a way better place. I instinctually still people please and suppress my own needs. But I am aware of it and can self-correct or get selective with my relationships (staying away from people who will take advantage of those tendencies and creating relationships with very strong mutual boundaries). It is work but I can do it. However I feel like my personality and my sense of self were things I had to create by myself from scratch as an adult -- my identity as a kid was forced into this super empathetic and service-oriented person due to what my parents demanded of me. It has taken time to find the person underneath that who actually has her own will. |
Anonymous
| Self-correct. I love that! Love it. |
Anonymous
Hell, most of GenX grew up this way. |
Anonymous
Therapy. Figuring it out on my own. I literally grew up walking on eggshells and hoping my mom wouldn't come home instead of her coming home from work and screaming or hitting us. I blocked out the majority of my childhood. Also, my mom is considered "successful" but had no idea how to guide us toward university or careers after. I see my uncles and aunts help their kids get jobs or use their network whereas after I graduated I felt like I was drowning and had no connections. BUT I am lucky. I figured it out but think I would be more successful and had an easier time with different circumstances. My sister has so many issues because of our childhood. On the outside looks like she is fine, decent job, owns a condo, but she's an alcoholic, constantly dates awful men, and has been depressed for a decade. She blames childhood, but now as an adult I feel like you need to figure it out and go to therapy and only you can decide your life. |
Anonymous
+1 the kid looks instantly crestfallen when cut off. Then they stop sharing info |
Anonymous
Nope |
Anonymous
| Yeah, if you have functional parents, this is not a generational thing. This is a dysfunctional versus functional. |
Anonymous
I could have written this as it was/is my family. I send my parents pictures of the kids first day of school and I get no response. I called to tell them my DD's high school graduation date and they said they were excited to go to a museum in D.C. My mom asked if they needed tickets for the museum not one comment about graduation. |