Parents who provide zero guidance and support

[Anonymous]

Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

[Anonymous]

Therapy in my 20s.

[Anonymous]

Still learning.

[Anonymous]

Lifelong learning. Sibling was worse off as they were the first child. I learned from observing that and got out as soon as I could. What p* me off now is that they're elderly and expect all kind of support. It's as if it's always been about them, all their lives. And no, I'm keeping low contact. Mom tried to re-imagine me as her "best friend" out of nowhere once dad passed and it was so out of place.

[Anonymous]

Ironically, it's my asocial, unemotional and uncommunicative father who gave me the one and only piece of great advice I have ever received from my parents. He jumped on a plane to visit his ailing mother in east Asia, and told me in the elevator that you should always move mountains to see loved ones, because otherwise regrets would destroy you. I think he felt bad that he lived so far away from her. He sent money to pay for her nursing home, but couldn't visit frequently.

No professional or life advice, sadly. My mother is full of anxious prattling, but much of it is negative and sabotaging.

[Anonymous]

What does this look like? I’m not sure what you mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does this look like? I’m not sure what you mean.

You honestly can’t imagine parents/caregivers who barely talk to their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

I think, in some ways, I won the genetic lottery and have a lot of innate resiliency, strength and intelligence. School was a safe place for me and I receive a lot of positive reinforcement from teachers who must have known what was going on in my home and were supportive and encouraging. Add to that, I had friends and my friends' parents. I can't express enough appreciation for the parents of my friends who were so very kind to me. Not only did they show me what "normal" should be, they allowed me to be a part of it when I was with them.

With one exception, my siblings were not so lucky. Same environment, same parents but very different results. I don't know why 2 of us turned out so differently than the other 4.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Still learning.

+1
Still learning. This scenario is more common than you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

I think, in some ways, I won the genetic lottery and have a lot of innate resiliency, strength and intelligence. School was a safe place for me and I receive a lot of positive reinforcement from teachers who must have known what was going on in my home and were supportive and encouraging. Add to that, I had friends and my friends' parents. I can't express enough appreciation for the parents of my friends who were so very kind to me. Not only did they show me what "normal" should be, they allowed me to be a part of it when I was with them.

With one exception, my siblings were not so lucky. Same environment, same parents but very different results. I don't know why 2 of us turned out so differently than the other 4.

I could have written this. I did marry a “savior” type, for better or worse. I divorced him and it was hard.

[Anonymous]

savior = off the charts organized with excessive executive function

[Anonymous]

I’m a fairly new adult orphan at 55.

Now im in weekly therapy to process so much trauma and neglect that unfortunately manifested in panic and anxiety that I’ve grappled with for decades.

I have been on antidepressants for decades.

Past diagnoses include; bulimia, generalized anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, panic disorder, PMDD, postpartum depression.

My therapist tells me that I’m incredibly strong and that it’s nearly miraculous that I’m a kind, capable and loving person with a gentle spirit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a fairly new adult orphan at 55.

Now im in weekly therapy to process so much trauma and neglect that unfortunately manifested in panic and anxiety that I’ve grappled with for decades.

I have been on antidepressants for decades.

Past diagnoses include; bulimia, generalized anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, panic disorder, PMDD, postpartum depression.

My therapist tells me that I’m incredibly strong and that it’s nearly miraculous that I’m a kind, capable and loving person with a gentle spirit.

Forgot to answer about my siblings.

Did they learn? Yes and no. I happened to be the target, the problem child, the sassy back talker who was always in trouble and being punished by my parents. I don’t remember my father ever saying one kind word to me; he yelled at me or criticized or mocked me daily. My older siblings learned to ignore and avoid our dad and had more freedom being older and had an entirely different experience with him.

We are all married, are all parents and high achievers.

[Anonymous]

It made me extremely self-reliant and resilient. I do not expect that anyone would do anything for me. I often feel responsible for others' wellbeing though. I have always deep and long lasting friendships. I'm a pretty happy and joyful person. The upside of having zero expectations towards others is that I am never disappointed and always feel gratitude for the people in my life. I did pick a partner who is rather avoidant too. So two avoidants together has it's challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lifelong learning. Sibling was worse off as they were the first child. I learned from observing that and got out as soon as I could. What p* me off now is that they're elderly and expect all kind of support. It's as if it's always been about them, all their lives. And no, I'm keeping low contact. Mom tried to re-imagine me as her "best friend" out of nowhere once dad passed and it was so out of place.

Now in their 70s, my parents are genuinely confused because all their friends want to spend time with their adult kids and grandkids and don't have time for them. I get to hear a lot of complaining about how "Barbara can't come to bridge because her grandkids' recital is the same day. Why would she want to hear a bunch of screeching violins?" But they still don't want to spend time with their own kids, lol.