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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I find it hard to picture parents not giving advice or support to their kids. That is the whole...job. I don't really understand. What do you define as advice and support?[/quote]

In my case my parents were very emotionally immature due to growing up with a lot of physical abuse and alcoholism in their homes. What happened is they turned to US for advice and support. Like from a young age my mom would ask my sister and I to listen to her talk about her problems and feelings and expect us to reassure her and help her feel better. This is an intensely heavy thing to put on a young child who is still trying to figure out who they are as a person. It's also scary -- to have your parent basically say to you "I am so sad and feel so lost and just need someone to reassure me and tell me it's going to be okay." Like if your 8 you are thinking "omg how do I know if it's going to be okay -- I though that's what you were for."

Our dad also expected us to be super supportive of him and always ask him about his work and treat him extra kind when he came home because he'd had a rough day.

At the same time my parents didn't know the names of my friends or what was going on in my life at all. When I got my period my sister had to show me what to do and she learned from a friend. We never got guidance about how to deal with other kids or adults or how to deal with our feelings. We were taught that our job was to manage other people's feelings and if others were unhappy or uncomfortable this was our fault. I remember a lot of my child was either dealing with my mom coming to me crying because she was upset or my dad screaming at us because he was upset. There was no room for us to have feelings.

As adults we both became people pleasers who struggled to be in touch with our own wants or needs. It has taken years to untangle that in order to avoid codependent relationships. For many years I was easily targeted by people (friends and boyfriends and colleagues and work mentors) who sussed out that I would be accommodating and pleasing and would try to take advantage of that. I would do anything to please them because they would praise and approve of me (something I rarely if ever got as a child and therefore constantly crave) but then I'd start to feel the relationship was imbalanced and would try to assert myself or some boundaries and they'd become angry and withholding. Basically reliving my relationship with my parents through multiple people.

I am in my 40s now and I still struggle but am in a way better place. I instinctually still people please and suppress my own needs. But I am aware of it and can self-correct or get selective with my relationships (staying away from people who will take advantage of those tendencies and creating relationships with very strong mutual boundaries). It is work but I can do it. However I feel like my personality and my sense of self were things I had to create by myself from scratch as an adult -- my identity as a kid was forced into this super empathetic and service-oriented person due to what my parents demanded of me. It has taken time to find the person underneath that who actually has her own will.
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