Parents who provide zero guidance and support

[Anonymous]

It was cultural. It happened to most kids, so we took it as a norm. Nobody is in therapy as far as I know. The whole country was also poor, but because all were poor, nobody seemed to be affected by what was the norm.
And no, there were no books or movies to show us a different culture. The only hint was that teachers' children had better vocabulary and writing skills. Other kids shined in languages and sports usually, so it was all a wash.
Parents were too tired to parent. We were parented by the state.
Guidance and support came from teachers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Still learning.

+1
Still learning. This scenario is more common than you think.

Ugh

I think it stems from their traumas, stress / poor coping, or untreated mental disorders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:savior = off the charts organized with excessive executive function

What happened in the marriage exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lifelong learning. Sibling was worse off as they were the first child. I learned from observing that and got out as soon as I could. What p* me off now is that they're elderly and expect all kind of support. It's as if it's always been about them, all their lives. And no, I'm keeping low contact. Mom tried to re-imagine me as her "best friend" out of nowhere once dad passed and it was so out of place.

Now in their 70s, my parents are genuinely confused because all their friends want to spend time with their adult kids and grandkids and don't have time for them. I get to hear a lot of complaining about how "Barbara can't come to bridge because her grandkids' recital is the same day. Why would she want to hear a bunch of screeching violins?" But they still don't want to spend time with their own kids, lol.

The complaining, deflecting and lame excuses! The My way or the Highway!


Who wants to watch a kids soccer game!? Waste o time, how do you do it? Sports are so stupid.

Who wants to hear a screeching violin recital? Yuck.

Who’s wants to decorate their house for the holiday, yuck!?

Who wants to go on a beach vacation, let’s just visit and stay at the uncle’s house in six mos. Vacations are a waste of money

Weddings are such a waste, not going to that, plus they want a present a bet! Parties are so stupid. Who would we houseguest with to attend the wedding?

I don’t know what I thought about the Annapolis day trip, it was ok I guess.

Why did you buy the 6 yo that (bespoke British brand pencil case) on your London trip? I can make that myself. What a waste of money.

I don’t know what I thought about coming along on your beach trip for winter break, I havent seen the other beaches.


Yup, that’s my self centered in laws.
They don’t open their mouths much, but when they do it’s all zingers, put downs and nonsense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a kid, there were things that I thought were only in movies (just normal human interactions), but then when I spent time at my friend's houses I realized they are normal things that normal families do. I came to the conclusion that my parents were defective. For some reason, I never felt like I had to seed their validation. Instead I decided that they will miss out on who I really am. I feel more sad for them than for myself, because I grew from it but they didn't.

Healthy processing PP. Good for you, and right assessment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a kid, there were things that I thought were only in movies (just normal human interactions), but then when I spent time at my friend's houses I realized they are normal things that normal families do. I came to the conclusion that my parents were defective. For some reason, I never felt like I had to seed their validation. Instead I decided that they will miss out on who I really am. I feel more sad for them than for myself, because I grew from it but they didn't.

My spouse is like this.

They watched a ton of TV and movies when growing up- since no one talked with each other nor parented or coached the kids through life.

He thinks all conversations and happenings on Tv are forced and fake, and no one interacts like that in real life anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was cultural. It happened to most kids, so we took it as a norm. Nobody is in therapy as far as I know. The whole country was also poor, but because all were poor, nobody seemed to be affected by what was the norm.
And no, there were no books or movies to show us a different culture. The only hint was that teachers' children had better vocabulary and writing skills. Other kids shined in languages and sports usually, so it was all a wash.
Parents were too tired to parent. We were parented by the state.
Guidance and support came from teachers.

This happens in America too, for far too many children and broken families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

Mine tried according to their abilities and we don't hold them against idols of perfect parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lifelong learning. Sibling was worse off as they were the first child. I learned from observing that and got out as soon as I could. What p* me off now is that they're elderly and expect all kind of support. It's as if it's always been about them, all their lives. And no, I'm keeping low contact. Mom tried to re-imagine me as her "best friend" out of nowhere once dad passed and it was so out of place.

Now in their 70s, my parents are genuinely confused because all their friends want to spend time with their adult kids and grandkids and don't have time for them. I get to hear a lot of complaining about how "Barbara can't come to bridge because her grandkids' recital is the same day. Why would she want to hear a bunch of screeching violins?" But they still don't want to spend time with their own kids, lol.

The complaining, deflecting and lame excuses! The My way or the Highway!


Who wants to watch a kids soccer game!? Waste o time, how do you do it? Sports are so stupid.

Who wants to hear a screeching violin recital? Yuck.

Who’s wants to decorate their house for the holiday, yuck!?

Who wants to go on a beach vacation, let’s just visit and stay at the uncle’s house in six mos. Vacations are a waste of money

Weddings are such a waste, not going to that, plus they want a present a bet! Parties are so stupid. Who would we houseguest with to attend the wedding?

I don’t know what I thought about the Annapolis day trip, it was ok I guess.

Why did you buy the 6 yo that (bespoke British brand pencil case) on your London trip? I can make that myself. What a waste of money.

I don’t know what I thought about coming along on your beach trip for winter break, I havent seen the other beaches.


Yup, that’s my self centered in laws.
They don’t open their mouths much, but when they do it’s all zingers, put downs and nonsense.

Just think of all the money you’ll inherit from them one day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

I think, in some ways, I won the genetic lottery and have a lot of innate resiliency, strength and intelligence. School was a safe place for me and I receive a lot of positive reinforcement from teachers who must have known what was going on in my home and were supportive and encouraging. Add to that, I had friends and my friends' parents. I can't express enough appreciation for the parents of my friends who were so very kind to me. Not only did they show me what "normal" should be, they allowed me to be a part of it when I was with them.

With one exception, my siblings were not so lucky. Same environment, same parents but very different results. I don't know why 2 of us turned out so differently than the other 4.

Same, plus I had great sports coaches as a teen. Later I sought mentorship from college professors. I'm so grateful to those people who took the time along my life's journey. My siblings are ok, but not doing as well as me, especially emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:savior = off the charts organized with excessive executive function

What happened in the marriage exactly?

haha. What a large question. Look, I made the choice. It’s a common choice. The man was everything my parents weren’t. I came from a large family. His was small. And on and on.

We are both first gen for what it’s worth. Both pretty high achievers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone grow up with parents who provided zero life guidance and emotional support/growth during their childhood and formative years? How did you deal? How did you learn the tools to have an emotional life and personal growth? Did your siblings learn?

My spouse did.
His dad and mom (and him and his brother) are all on the high functioning side of the autism spectrum.

I’ve tried to provide role modeling via myself, my brothers, my parents, vacationing with other families. And for awhile we sent the kids to private school so they became more social and socialized. Otherwise it’s all on me.

My spouse doesn’t acknowledge, however, what you are acknowledging. That there was a level of neglect and cluelessness and missing emotional support. He doesn’t realize that it was his guidance counselor that saw this dynamic and helped him get into college, the same one the counselor went to. He doesn’t realize that most of the world does not sit in silence during car rides or family dinners. Or that other kids did activities after school or took a real vacation once in awhile.

Unf his normal is neglect and isolation.

I stay for the kids. Everyone in my support network knows what I am going through. No meds will help him. He lies at therapy. He is closed off and thinks everyone else is crazy. Crazy to talk so much, do a sport, go out at night, go on trips. He cannot fathom another way of living besides his parents way. Which was quite off.

I’m sorry this is your family dynamic. You are a strong person to manage this situation.

I’m always curious about these marriages to high functioning autistic spouses. In hindsight, were there red flags? Personally, I can’t imagine being in this type of relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think most of us who were teens in the 80s ever got much advice. We just watched our parents and learned and saw how they worked and what they did, which is how we developed life and work skills.
I don't remember a single talk about what I should study or do as a job.

Same , mostly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents were marginally present, but also very conservative/traditional and extremely authoritarian. As a girl the extent of executive functioning skills taught to me was “marry a rich man”. I was also taught to be an extreme people pleaser (“god first, others second, you third”).

I’m nearly 40 and learning these things now. My H has been helping me learn how to communicate and set boundaries. He even reads any work emails and helps me respond to them appropriately. I read books about finance and communication which have helped.

Siblings aren’t much better off. My brother was sent to one of those camps where they kidnap you in the middle of the night and you live in the woods for months on end. He was literally just a normal kid who struggled with ADHD and is probably slightly autistic. All it did was put him around actually troubled kids where he picked up really bad stuff. Now at 35, he’s an alcoholic, unemployed, has served jail time for DUIs.

All 3 of us ended up with unplanned pregnancies. We received zero sexual education other than “don’t have sex”. So my sister and I never learned how to set boundaries and say no with sex and have been assaulted multiple times.

Maybe I am cherry picking but some
of these resonates. No sex. So extreme. That was my upbringing. My sister was assaulted and I married the FIRST man, depriving myself trial and error with relationships and learning who I was and what I wanted out of a romantic relationship. Hindsight is 2o-2o. Everyone has their different
problems!

In addition, I sound like that person’s spouse. I was in major denial. My entire group of siblings were and remain in denial. It’s a coping skill. I actually do not think you can push a realization of one’s childhood shortcomings and it’s not healthy to try to open it up. It might happen on its own.

[Anonymous]

Yes, mine were both completely checked out in their own ways. Dad was a teacher, coach, etc. and put all his time into that. Mom was an alcoholic. My sister and I were treated like trophies - only recognized for the things we accomplished and how we made the family look good - good students, good athletes, seemingly well behaved. It's really done a number on both of us. My sister has never examined what happened and worked through it. She's a narcissist who raised her kids exactly the way we were raised (literally has the same rules we had growing up). I feel really bad for her kids. I married someone like my dad but somehow worse and am now divorced, doing therapy regularly, and working on being a better parent to my kids.