Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes to therapeutic lying, but please go tour some assisted living places. These are not the nightmare nursing homes you or she is imagining. My mother is absolutely thriving in hers after being depressed and undernourished and dirty at home.

Same here. Mother perked up once living in AL and eating more than just cookies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These stories of fell and couldn’t get up should not be happening any more. Buying an allle watch with alerts is cheaper than nursing care. My parents are in their 90s and still living independently. Two out of 7 of my elderly relatives had dementia. I just don’t know why we can’t accept euthanasia for people at the state where they are no longer themselves. That’s what we’d all want l, but no one will do it so you end up with people planning to take their lives when they are still competent — that’s a tragedy. I do thing there will be a sea change. Gen X just looks at this very differently than my parents generation, which has a lot of moral baggage about this stuff.

Those alert buttons only work if your loved one understands how to use them. My mom had to wear one in assisted living. Had no idea what it was for and when she fell overnight she laid naked on the floor for about nine hours before a staff member came in to check on her. She was literally incapable of understanding how to push a button. Dementia is just the absolute worst.

[Anonymous]

She's for the streets

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think of a nursing home as a bed in a sometimes shared room with strangers. One grandmother was on Medicaid and in such a place.

My mom is in assisted living and has her own one-bedroom apartment so we call it her apartment instead of a nursing home.

Her being at home was making me stressed and ill. The medication management was a nightmare and she was taking meds at wrong times or not at all despite our signs.

She did not want people in the house.

Many families don't really have a choice because of limited resources. Medicaid nursing home it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to therapeutic lying, but please go tour some assisted living places. These are not the nightmare nursing homes you or she is imagining. My mother is absolutely thriving in hers after being depressed and undernourished and dirty at home.

Same here. Mother perked up once living in AL and eating more than just cookies.

Our family doesn't have the resources for Assisted Living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think of a nursing home as a bed in a sometimes shared room with strangers. One grandmother was on Medicaid and in such a place.

My mom is in assisted living and has her own one-bedroom apartment so we call it her apartment instead of a nursing home.

Her being at home was making me stressed and ill. The medication management was a nightmare and she was taking meds at wrong times or not at all despite our signs.

She did not want people in the house.

And what was it like (for those who have not experienced it before)? Was this recently?

[Anonymous]

I live in vilified slippery slope Canada where we qualify for medical aid in dying for Alzheimer's, in the early stages, and for pretty much anything physical. I don't have kids to dump on so I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio twice a year. When I slip I am still competent. You don't go from perfectly normal to full blown dementia over night. At that point I apply and leave as a full human being with some nice drugs.

I have an anxiety disorder since birth and map out my best option for everything. I enrolled my COVID kitten in a pet stewardship program as I don't trust anybody to look after her even if I left them a nice chunk of change. I think my disorder makes me a super planner but I always stick to my plans when I have worked through them.

I think care homes are a waste of money and expecting low status women to work in them like skivvies is selfish. But that is just me. I am considered odd to think about and plan for things like this.

[Anonymous]

I think part of the problem is that dementia is more than one thing.
There are people who are so far gone that they don’t even notice when they are brought to a place that is not their house.
Then there are people like my father, who has seriously impaired judgment, but can still do many things, and wants to be in his familiar home.
There is no way I could just announce to my father that he was moving to a nursing home. He is an adult and has not been declared incompetent by any court.
So I just try to do the best I can to help him, getting help at home for medication management, etc.
These are difficult situations, and there is no good answer.

[Anonymous]

I can only speak from my experience. My mom refused to move into an Assisted Living facility and my stepdad wouldn't force it. So she died at home.
I am 100% sure she would have lived longer and had a much better quality of life if they had moved. No questions. "Aging in place" is highly over-rated IMO, and only works if at some point you have round the clock care (she did).
Even then, she was so severely limited all she could do was sit in their den all day, if she wasn't in bed. At a facility, we could at least have taken her outside, or gone to various activities, etc.
My stepdad moved after she died. If he had gone earlier, he also would be in much better shape today. Instead, while he was at home in the weeks after her death he deteriorated physically very rapidly. It was shocking. And at that age, I don't think many people can come back from that. He certainly hasn't.
I think aging in place is much more challenging than most people realize. And while everyone says "I'd rather just die," but when it actually comes to that time, almost nobody feels that way.
FWIW

[Anonymous]

I live in Canada, have no kids, so no daughters to dump on, and here we qualify for medical aid in dying for Alzheimer's. So anybody in the least proactive, somebody who wants to know they have it, and who doesn't wait until it's full blown, qualifies.

I take the SAGE test from the University of Ohio and when I slip I will go get more thorough testing and then apply.

I think care homes are a waste of money and low-status women shouldn't be working in them as skivvies. My savings won't be going to the elder-care-industry but to younger people who can use it more.

Very few people apply as most don't want to know and avoid all testing.

[Anonymous]

One additional experience as a guardian for an aunt with dementia. Our primary plan was to have her age in place with 24/7 care, but as her dementia progressed she became increasingly agitated in her own home (in which she had lived for 30+ years). She kept eloping because she claimed she wanted to go home - she no longer recognized her own home as hers. So keeping her home became really moot. We moved her to Silverado in Alexandria after she broke a window in her own house because she wanted to go home. She ended up thriving at Silverado as she was a very social creature who loved “helping” the other residents, and often seemed to think she was at a hotel or on a cruise.

[Anonymous]

Caregivers at home are often cheaper than nursing home dementia unit, where they will expect you to hire caregivers to assist her there too.

[Anonymous]

My dad wanted to stay at home but we moved him to memory care because the rigors of his care and the worry were drowning my mom. He’s so much better there. At home he sat in his chair and watched tv and growled at my mom. At the facility he has friends. He talks to his friends and the staff live him. He has activities that he enjoys. He is night and day and just as importantly my mother has blossomed being freed from the grind and the worry. Now all her love for him can go toward loving him not in the caring for his physical needs.

She recently moved to an IL home on the same campus and is so busy she doesn’t have time to talk to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m pp and I’m not talking about people with severe dementia. Just generally about facilities. We as a country don’t prioritize prevention and thriving.

What are the steps to preventing dementia that we as a country should prioritize? What type of "thriving" specifically are you looking for?

And severe dementia can develop quicker than the loved ones/caregivers realize. When someone is around the dementia patient frequently they don't see it and are often in denial.

Speaking of which - dementia is hereditary -- just like eye color. If your parent has it, you could get it too, when you're old. So, now is a good time to think about how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

It's wild how with animals we have so much compassion- talk like 'better one day too soon than one day too late' in putting them down but with humans we are prolonging things as much as possible no matter how awful the pain, misery, etc. Is it because of religion? Elder care industry? Both?