Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.

I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.

What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?

It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.

Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.

Nah, I am team stay at home.

Good luck with that.

[Anonymous]

My great-aunt w/dementia was like this. Kept saying "I NEVER want to go to a nursing home"- but she wasn't eating regularly, would wander and get lost, etc. But she was generally "ok"

To move her, one of my aunts took her shopping while the other sisters quickly moved her stuff (including her clothes, artwork/pictures and a few furniture pieces) into her room at the nursing home. Instead of taking her home after the shopping trip, my aunt brought her straight to her new room and she barely noticed the difference!

We were incredulous - none of us knew her memory loss was so significant until that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.

I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.

What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?

It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.

Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.

NP here. No, this poster's attitude is not "selfish." Can you truly not understand the horror and stress of having to move from your familiar home, losing everything you recognize and what remaining independence and control you have all at once? There have been many studies proving that moving into nursing home/care shortens the life of the patient. It's a monumental and horrible thing, though of course some families must do it for financial reasons.

The other poster asked about the mother's finances. Some people actually can afford quality demential care at home. It's a valid question when you consider what is at stake.

I've seen three relatives go into assisted living and nursing homes at very plush facilities, and it was terrible always. It was not the ideal way to spend your last years. Frankly, it was hellish. And these were the "best" facilities.

Like that PP, I'd rather die at home, or just die. Let's not pretend these places are ideal, or that the trauma is not real for the inmate.

Tell us why these plush facilities were hellish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.

I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.

What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?

It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.

Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.

NP here. No, this poster's attitude is not "selfish." Can you truly not understand the horror and stress of having to move from your familiar home, losing everything you recognize and what remaining independence and control you have all at once? There have been many studies proving that moving into nursing home/care shortens the life of the patient. It's a monumental and horrible thing, though of course some families must do it for financial reasons.

The other poster asked about the mother's finances. Some people actually can afford quality demential care at home. It's a valid question when you consider what is at stake.

I've seen three relatives go into assisted living and nursing homes at very plush facilities, and it was terrible always. It was not the ideal way to spend your last years. Frankly, it was hellish. And these were the "best" facilities.

Like that PP, I'd rather die at home, or just die. Let's not pretend these places are ideal, or that the trauma is not real for the inmate.

Great, so you are volunteering to move your child next door to the dementia patient that likes to light things on fire? Or will put your child in front of the car driven by the dementia patient who will drive right into a farmer's market? Surely the small price of your child's life is worth not subjecting a dangerous person to a "hellish" nursing home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So move her in with you if she can't be alone.

Great idea….and they can just run a nursing home out of the house with multiple 24 hr caregivers and randomly send her to hospital when needed. Oh and just take a dementia patient to all their doctors/dentist/eye appointments as they will understand and be totally cooperative. Easy peasy. Not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple with dementia who stayed in their home until the end.

They were wealthy enough for round the clock care, and their son and DIL lived in the house right next door, and were able to pop in and out as needed, manage the nurses and hired help, and organize medical appointments.

I cannot emphasize enough how unusual of a set-up this is. If the children live far away, they cannot monitor the caregiving and medical appointments. If the money isn't there, caregiving cannot happen unless one or more children given up their entire lives to caring for their parents.

This is why most patients with dementia are better off in memory care. With frequent visits, to check that they were reasonably looked after.

This is probably the best scenario I’ve heard of.

I myself would want to OD rather than waste away without my memory while spending $10k/mo while doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her the house needs repairs so you found a place for her to go until they’re done. When she brings it up later tell her it’s still getting repaired. Tell her the place she’ll be at temporarily is the best in the area and that there was a huge waitlist but they were nice enough to make an exception for her. Don’t sell it as a nursing home.

You have to try to detach as much as possible and come to terms with the fact that at this stage of their lives their safety trumps their happiness.

No, especially at the end of someone’s life their happiness trumps their safety. You got it backwards. Think about what you would want if you found out you had one year to live. Would eeking out one more day be your priority? No - f that. You’d eat all the ice cream and go skydiving.

Now, other people’s safety does trump someone’s happiness, so risking other people’s heath and safety isn’t acceptable. That means no car, and you may need to disconnect the stove. Microwave and electric kettle only. If they start to be a problem for neighbors (ringing doorbell late at night, yelling at children) then their own happiness has to take a backseat.

This isn’t as cute as you think it is. I LOLed out loud at the electric kettle. You can’t begin to imagine all the ways a person with dementia can torture themselves for hours, days, weeks or month if they’re by themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her the house needs repairs so you found a place for her to go until they’re done. When she brings it up later tell her it’s still getting repaired. Tell her the place she’ll be at temporarily is the best in the area and that there was a huge waitlist but they were nice enough to make an exception for her. Don’t sell it as a nursing home.

You have to try to detach as much as possible and come to terms with the fact that at this stage of their lives their safety trumps their happiness.

No, especially at the end of someone’s life their happiness trumps their safety. You got it backwards. Think about what you would want if you found out you had one year to live. Would eeking out one more day be your priority? No - f that. You’d eat all the ice cream and go skydiving.

Now, other people’s safety does trump someone’s happiness, so risking other people’s heath and safety isn’t acceptable. That means no car, and you may need to disconnect the stove. Microwave and electric kettle only. If they start to be a problem for neighbors (ringing doorbell late at night, yelling at children) then their own happiness has to take a backseat.

The microwave and electric kettle are still dangerous. My mom lived in a memory care unit for about a year towards the end of her life and they don't even allow pens and pencils. You wouldn't believe all of the mundane, seemingly harmless objects in a typical house that should not be in the hands of a dementia patient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapeutic lying. House needs to be fumigated; doctor wants her to recover for a few weeks (only works after a fall etc). How bad is her dementia? Will she forget you told her?

Also yes does she need 24/7 watching? (Does she wander? Will she drive or hurt herself or others if unattended?) or is she just losing short term memory ?

This. It works better if she has had to go into a hospital and you have her transferred directly to a care facility.

Once someone has dementia, trying to reason with them doesn't work as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.

I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.

What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?

It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.

Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.

How? Assuming you take away their car keys. And have good fire alarms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So move her in with you if she can't be alone.

Great idea….and they can just run a nursing home out of the house with multiple 24 hr caregivers and randomly send her to hospital when needed. Oh and just take a dementia patient to all their doctors/dentist/eye appointments as they will understand and be totally cooperative. Easy peasy. Not.

NP. Its not easy but this are what we are doing for my parents. It is expensive tho.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.

I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.

What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?

It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.

Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.

How? Assuming you take away their car keys. And have good fire alarms.

They'll find a way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her the house needs repairs so you found a place for her to go until they’re done. When she brings it up later tell her it’s still getting repaired. Tell her the place she’ll be at temporarily is the best in the area and that there was a huge waitlist but they were nice enough to make an exception for her. Don’t sell it as a nursing home.

You have to try to detach as much as possible and come to terms with the fact that at this stage of their lives their safety trumps their happiness.

No, especially at the end of someone’s life their happiness trumps their safety. You got it backwards. Think about what you would want if you found out you had one year to live. Would eeking out one more day be your priority? No - f that. You’d eat all the ice cream and go skydiving.

Now, other people’s safety does trump someone’s happiness, so risking other people’s heath and safety isn’t acceptable. That means no car, and you may need to disconnect the stove. Microwave and electric kettle only. If they start to be a problem for neighbors (ringing doorbell late at night, yelling at children) then their own happiness has to take a backseat.

What you don’t understand is that people like this wander out into the public and end up getting hit by a car and even though they didn’t kill anybody they leave somebody that has to live with that.

It’s extremely selfish that when you are unable to care for yourself that you are going to stay in a home, stress everyone out annd eventually have your death caused in a way that’s horrific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.

I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.

What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?

It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.

Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.

How? Assuming you take away their car keys. And have good fire alarms.

They wander into traffic and get killed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell her the house needs repairs so you found a place for her to go until they’re done. When she brings it up later tell her it’s still getting repaired. Tell her the place she’ll be at temporarily is the best in the area and that there was a huge waitlist but they were nice enough to make an exception for her. Don’t sell it as a nursing home.

You have to try to detach as much as possible and come to terms with the fact that at this stage of their lives their safety trumps their happiness.

No, especially at the end of someone’s life their happiness trumps their safety. You got it backwards. Think about what you would want if you found out you had one year to live. Would eeking out one more day be your priority? No - f that. You’d eat all the ice cream and go skydiving.

Now, other people’s safety does trump someone’s happiness, so risking other people’s heath and safety isn’t acceptable. That means no car, and you may need to disconnect the stove. Microwave and electric kettle only. If they start to be a problem for neighbors (ringing doorbell late at night, yelling at children) then their own happiness has to take a backseat.

What you don’t understand is that people like this wander out into the public and end up getting hit by a car and even though they didn’t kill anybody they leave somebody that has to live with that.

It’s extremely selfish that when you are unable to care for yourself that you are going to stay in a home, stress everyone out annd eventually have your death caused in a way that’s horrific.

And sometimes situations like that DO result in someone else being killed-like if the driver swerves to try to avoid hitting the wandering elderly person and crashes.