Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's wild how with animals we have so much compassion- talk like 'better one day too soon than one day too late' in putting them down but with humans we are prolonging things as much as possible no matter how awful the pain, misery, etc. Is it because of religion? Elder care industry? Both?

Both. I'm my (demented) mom's health care Power of attorney. She's in a nursing home and whenever they want to do something to her, they have to ask me first. She wasn't eating, so the Dr wanted to put her on a feeding tube. I said No. He said, "you're killing your mother" I said, "It's time for hospice care". A few months later and she has to get off of hospice care -- for failure to die. She started to eat again. On her own. And the mean Doctor didn't make a penny off of her. and she's not on a feeding tube -- which would have been very expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's wild how with animals we have so much compassion- talk like 'better one day too soon than one day too late' in putting them down but with humans we are prolonging things as much as possible no matter how awful the pain, misery, etc. Is it because of religion? Elder care industry? Both?

Both. I'm my (demented) mom's health care Power of attorney. She's in a nursing home and whenever they want to do something to her, they have to ask me first. She wasn't eating, so the Dr wanted to put her on a feeding tube. I said No. He said, "you're killing your mother" I said, "It's time for hospice care". A few months later and she has to get off of hospice care -- for failure to die. She started to eat again. On her own. And the mean Doctor didn't make a penny off of her. and she's not on a feeding tube -- which would have been very expensive.

Good for you.

[Anonymous]

My dad said the same thing. He wanted to pay for round the clock care to stay at home. But I would still have been responsible if they didn't show up or he needed to go to an appointment (which he had many). I had to take on all of his bills and financial needs. This was very time consuming, getting access to his money even with all of the right documents. He lived in N.VA, while I lived in MD. I was working full-time and had two kids in HS. I made the decision to move him into assisted living closer to me. I had to consider my needs in this scenario. Luckily he had severe dementia and thought he was staying at a hotel. Maybe I am selfish but I did what was best for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's wild how with animals we have so much compassion- talk like 'better one day too soon than one day too late' in putting them down but with humans we are prolonging things as much as possible no matter how awful the pain, misery, etc. Is it because of religion? Elder care industry? Both?

Both. I'm my (demented) mom's health care Power of attorney. She's in a nursing home and whenever they want to do something to her, they have to ask me first. She wasn't eating, so the Dr wanted to put her on a feeding tube. I said No. He said, "you're killing your mother" I said, "It's time for hospice care". A few months later and she has to get off of hospice care -- for failure to die. She started to eat again. On her own. And the mean Doctor didn't make a penny off of her. and she's not on a feeding tube -- which would have been very expensive.

Good for you, PP. Fk any doctor who would say that to a patient's family members.

[Anonymous]

Having been through this with my mother in law, I feel the need to share that what people say they “want,” under these conditions, is like what a young child wants. Their brains are no longer able to make appropriate choices. Children “want” to jump off of the top of the jungle gym to see if they can fly, but we stop them. It’s so hard to overrule a parent’s choice, but we have to when they are not in a state of mind to make a choice. My mother in law was living in real filth, eating spoiled food, and leaving the house to wander. We could not take her opinion into account anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.

I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.

What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?

It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.

Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.

Nah, I am team stay at home.

With dementia?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's wild how with animals we have so much compassion- talk like 'better one day too soon than one day too late' in putting them down but with humans we are prolonging things as much as possible no matter how awful the pain, misery, etc. Is it because of religion? Elder care industry? Both?

There’s so much to it. Read the book “Being Mortal”. Part of the issue in modern times is that we have medical treatments that can keep people alive for longer than they would have lived in the past, and a real modern reluctance to talk openly about dying and accept it as part of the circle of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes to therapeutic lying, but please go tour some assisted living places. These are not the nightmare nursing homes you or she is imagining. My mother is absolutely thriving in hers after being depressed and undernourished and dirty at home.

Same here. Mother perked up once living in AL and eating more than just cookies.

Our family doesn't have the resources for Assisted Living.

The responsible thing to do in that situation is that she moves in with you. Hard as that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's wild how with animals we have so much compassion- talk like 'better one day too soon than one day too late' in putting them down but with humans we are prolonging things as much as possible no matter how awful the pain, misery, etc. Is it because of religion? Elder care industry? Both?

There’s so much to it. Read the book “Being Mortal”. Part of the issue in modern times is that we have medical treatments that can keep people alive for longer than they would have lived in the past, and a real modern reluctance to talk openly about dying and accept it as part of the circle of life.

People get dementia who have had no life threatening health events ever. Are you suggesting no one take care of a parent with dementia and hope they do something dangerous like burn the house down as the natural order of things? So what if the neighbor's house also catches on fire? OP's mom needs supervised care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can only speak from my experience. My mom refused to move into an Assisted Living facility and my stepdad wouldn't force it. So she died at home.
I am 100% sure she would have lived longer and had a much better quality of life if they had moved. No questions. "Aging in place" is highly over-rated IMO, and only works if at some point you have round the clock care (she did).
Even then, she was so severely limited all she could do was sit in their den all day, if she wasn't in bed. At a facility, we could at least have taken her outside, or gone to various activities, etc.
My stepdad moved after she died. If he had gone earlier, he also would be in much better shape today. Instead, while he was at home in the weeks after her death he deteriorated physically very rapidly. It was shocking. And at that age, I don't think many people can come back from that. He certainly hasn't.
I think aging in place is much more challenging than most people realize. And while everyone says "I'd rather just die," but when it actually comes to that time, almost nobody feels that way.
FWIW

The stress he had of taking care of her himself obviously worn him down. In a facility, she could have been in dementia/assited living and him in independent living. They could see each other daily, but he would have had downtime to not be stressed and worried about what she would do to herself or others.

If you can arfford it, I highly recommend it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's wild how with animals we have so much compassion- talk like 'better one day too soon than one day too late' in putting them down but with humans we are prolonging things as much as possible no matter how awful the pain, misery, etc. Is it because of religion? Elder care industry? Both?

There’s so much to it. Read the book “Being Mortal”. Part of the issue in modern times is that we have medical treatments that can keep people alive for longer than they would have lived in the past, and a real modern reluctance to talk openly about dying and accept it as part of the circle of life.

People get dementia who have had no life threatening health events ever. Are you suggesting no one take care of a parent with dementia and hope they do something dangerous like burn the house down as the natural order of things? So what if the neighbor's house also catches on fire? OP's mom needs supervised care.

THis 1000%. People with dementia are a danger to themselves, but also everyone around them. they can burn down the neighborhood, randomly walking outside they could get hit and the poor driver who has to live with that (because they randomly walked into the road and driver could not stop). Key is to get them into a facility early on, while you can still "reason with them"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad said the same thing. He wanted to pay for round the clock care to stay at home. But I would still have been responsible if they didn't show up or he needed to go to an appointment (which he had many). I had to take on all of his bills and financial needs. This was very time consuming, getting access to his money even with all of the right documents. He lived in N.VA, while I lived in MD. I was working full-time and had two kids in HS. I made the decision to move him into assisted living closer to me. I had to consider my needs in this scenario. Luckily he had severe dementia and thought he was staying at a hotel. Maybe I am selfish but I did what was best for all of us.

Of course you have to consider what is best for your family as the primary caregiver/person responsible for a parent. It is typically much cheaper to be in a nice nursing care/demantia care facility, and also safer. Care is guaranteed and you don't have to adjust your schedule at last minute when someone calls in sick. You have your own immediate family and your first responsibility is to them and yourself.