Neither AC wants kids. I can't help feeling like I failed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They probably are worried they'd be as bad of a mother as you

Don't be a dick. These feelings, which are normal, don't mean OP is a bad mom.

You, however, are a bad person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be snarky, but genuinely curious… how is it selfish to not want kids?

Well, the entirety of society around you is due to the fact that people did the hard work of having kids. Childless adults (grown-up children really) are free riding on the work of others.

If everyone decided not to have kids who do you think would take care of you in the nursing home? Pay for your social security? The childless by choice folks are the equivalent of the NEETs who refuse to get a job and stay in their parents basement all day. The sad part is they don’t realize the joy and fulfillment you get from actually applying yourself and doing something worthwhile for others, and instead remain mired in their self-referential lives, desperately traveling and going to brunches and trying to be the ‘cool aunt’.

To the OP- I’ll also probably feel like a failure if my kids don’t want to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Raising children might require some level of selflessness

Wanting children? Having children? That is the selfish part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be snarky, but genuinely curious… how is it selfish to not want kids?

Well, the entirety of society around you is due to the fact that people did the hard work of having kids. Childless adults (grown-up children really) are free riding on the work of others.

If everyone decided not to have kids who do you think would take care of you in the nursing home? Pay for your social security? The childless by choice folks are the equivalent of the NEETs who refuse to get a job and stay in their parents basement all day. The sad part is they don’t realize the joy and fulfillment you get from actually applying yourself and doing something worthwhile for others, and instead remain mired in their self-referential lives, desperately traveling and going to brunches and trying to be the ‘cool aunt’.

To the OP- I’ll also probably feel like a failure if my kids don’t want to have kids.

Having children is not "for others"

You know you can do really amazing and worthwhile things for the world that dont involve creating other humans? If that's the bar on which we base "worthwhile causes" we are just stepping over it, because that bar is on the floor.

[Anonymous]

I had five kids for selfish reasons: wanting kids and grandkids. How many parents on DCUM had kids to make their parents happy? I think virtually all the parents here had kids for selfish reasons. So it’s crazy to think someone deciding not to have kids is being more selfish than someone deciding to have kids.

I would be sad if after raising five kids there were no grandkids (four so far), but would not feel like a failure, since it would just mean my selfish plan to have a bunch of grandkids hadn’t panned out. I would feel like a failure if I had screwed up the kids I was entrusted with to raise to be good people.

[Anonymous]

I spent my whole life eager to have my own children. My DH was more practical-minded. Parenting has been very challenging for us for reasons we could have never predicted. I sometimes wish I could have foreseen how difficult it would be, and wonder what my life would be like had I taken a different path.

I would never begrudge someone's choice not to have children, even if it means I won't be a grandparent. I want my children to be happy above all else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be snarky, but genuinely curious… how is it selfish to not want kids?

Well, the entirety of society around you is due to the fact that people did the hard work of having kids. Childless adults (grown-up children really) are free riding on the work of others.

If everyone decided not to have kids who do you think would take care of you in the nursing home? Pay for your social security? The childless by choice folks are the equivalent of the NEETs who refuse to get a job and stay in their parents basement all day. The sad part is they don’t realize the joy and fulfillment you get from actually applying yourself and doing something worthwhile for others, and instead remain mired in their self-referential lives, desperately traveling and going to brunches and trying to be the ‘cool aunt’.

To the OP- I’ll also probably feel like a failure if my kids don’t want to have kids.

Having children is not "for others"

You know you can do really amazing and worthwhile things for the world that dont involve creating other humans? If that's the bar on which we base "worthwhile causes" we are just stepping over it, because that bar is on the floor.

You might not have kids specifically ‘for others’ but they certainly are ‘for others.’ We’re social beings. Having other people around is a huge positive in our lives.

And sure, you can do amazing and worthwhile things that don’t involve creating other humans but without other humans you can’t do amazing and worthwhile things.

Individuals that refuse to have children *by choice* are fundamentally making an immoral choice. It’s like deciding you’d prefer to be an alcoholic rather than a productive member of society.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would feel sad, too, Op. I think your feelings are normal.

+1 This is becoming sadly common with this generation. I have 21 cousins (aged 50-70) and between us, 40 kids, and yet there are only six grandchildren, and the ones young enough to still have kids all express some version of not wanting to marry or have kids. I'm hearing similar things from lots of friends.

What is going on?

The social/societal fabric is broken, people are adrift.

+1

No sense of community or cohesiveness or religion/spirituality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are not selfish to not want kids. It could be argued that it's more selfish TO have kids than not to. It's a difficult world to live in, especially at this point in history. Having kids is subjecting a new generation of people to the hardships of life. (I am saying this as someone who has 2 kids myself, always wanted to have kids, love my kids immeasurably but I'm the first to admit that me choosing to have kids was because I wanted them which is selfish).

I understand you are sad that you likely will not have grandchildren and won't get to see your kids as parents, which would be a joyous thing to experience I think. But it's not fair for you to be angry at them or accuse them of being selfish.

I find these comments so surprising and I hear them often. People today are better off than any other time in human history. Obviously you know what a struggle life was in the 13th century when we had plagues and collapse of many civilizations. Or during ww I or II or even the depression? How can you call this a difficult world when history shows just the opposite? Have we lost all sense of history?

I almost wonder if the LACK of hardship makes people unhappy because I hear this so often and it’s so objectively false.

True and true

White lotus 2 handled the whiny weak self centered Millennial well too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be snarky, but genuinely curious… how is it selfish to not want kids?

Well, the entirety of society around you is due to the fact that people did the hard work of having kids. Childless adults (grown-up children really) are free riding on the work of others.

If everyone decided not to have kids who do you think would take care of you in the nursing home? Pay for your social security? The childless by choice folks are the equivalent of the NEETs who refuse to get a job and stay in their parents basement all day. The sad part is they don’t realize the joy and fulfillment you get from actually applying yourself and doing something worthwhile for others, and instead remain mired in their self-referential lives, desperately traveling and going to brunches and trying to be the ‘cool aunt’.

To the OP- I’ll also probably feel like a failure if my kids don’t want to have kids.

Having children is not "for others"

You know you can do really amazing and worthwhile things for the world that dont involve creating other humans? If that's the bar on which we base "worthwhile causes" we are just stepping over it, because that bar is on the floor.

You might not have kids specifically ‘for others’ but they certainly are ‘for others.’ We’re social beings. Having other people around is a huge positive in our lives.

And sure, you can do amazing and worthwhile things that don’t involve creating other humans but without other humans you can’t do amazing and worthwhile things.

Individuals that refuse to have children *by choice* are fundamentally making an immoral choice. It’s like deciding you’d prefer to be an alcoholic rather than a productive member of society.

Not everyones morals include mass procreation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I suggest therapy. This type of thinking isn’t making you feel good and you might benefit from counseling to overcome it.

I will add this as gently as I can. Your kids may not want children due how they were parented.

I had a mentally ill mother and she was mostly terrible. For years, I had no desire for kids because I didn’t want to pass on the trauma and illness.

Only after many years did I have children and only after I had kids did my older sister start to have kids.

So you might start by examining yourself.

Same. It wouldn't surprise me if OP was like my mom. If I hadn't done a lot of therapy in my early 20s, I never would have had kids. On the outside my mom was a perfect SAHM. In our house, she was controlling, manipulative, and verbally abusive at times.

I’d love me some examples of what snowflake Wash DC DCUM calls verbally abusive parenting “at times.”

My bet is they don’t want kids because they know THEY are the failures. They love their screen time and social media too much, their eating out, their vacations. And don’t want whiny kids asking for stuff. And they know they don’t have the attention span to parent or discipline themselves on screens so never will for a kid.

Me too, am curious their new age victimization definitions.

[Anonymous]

OP, my generation was told we shouldn't have children because overpopulation is bad for the planet.

Population in the U.S. has grown exponentially, but it's not due to people having kids. It's mass immigration bringing in people. We had small families compared to earlier generations.

The same message is still getting pushed, but the talking points have changed a little bit. Kids are a pain. Kids get in the way of your career. Kids ruin your life. What kind of world will the children inherit.

Kids enhance your life so much. Yes, there's a lot of sacrifice involved. But anyone who has children can say the love is more than worth the trade-offs.

I have warned my DC that one day they will come to regret the decision not to have children, and it will be too late. I don't know anyone from my generation, who didn't come to deeply regret their decision not to have children. They realize the mistake is permanent, and it breaks their heart. They become bitter. Also, in old age they become vulnerable to all sorts of exploitation.

You can go online and read stores about elderly people who got swindled out of their life savings and have ended up homeless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not trying to be snarky, but genuinely curious… how is it selfish to not want kids?

Well, the entirety of society around you is due to the fact that people did the hard work of having kids. Childless adults (grown-up children really) are free riding on the work of others.

If everyone decided not to have kids who do you think would take care of you in the nursing home? Pay for your social security? The childless by choice folks are the equivalent of the NEETs who refuse to get a job and stay in their parents basement all day. The sad part is they don’t realize the joy and fulfillment you get from actually applying yourself and doing something worthwhile for others, and instead remain mired in their self-referential lives, desperately traveling and going to brunches and trying to be the ‘cool aunt’.

To the OP- I’ll also probably feel like a failure if my kids don’t want to have kids.

Honestly I can’t relate to this at all. My closest friends that don’t have kids are hard-working, caring people. They don’t travel out of desperation or brunch. They love their nieces and nephews (and my kids too) genuinely, not because they’re trying to be cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand. Not having kids is primarily for superficial reasons. Often times it means you raised a shallow person. Instead of love and family they prioritize vacations, disposable income, hip neighborhoods and career growth.

It’s also sad because you can still have kids and go on nice vacations, live in a hip neighborhood and have a great career.

Not having kids is better in your 30s. You’re ahead in terms of the fun you can have. Life doesn’t seem so different from a couple wirh a child or two. But then things dramatically change in your 40s and you’re outliers. Kid activities pick up and you better have the income to dedicate to hobbies. The average person can’t tolerate alcohol as well so that’s kind of out.

Do you really want to live in a hip condo around 20 somethings whose main activities are day drinking? Or worse be a dog person who tells people with kids all about their dogs without realizing they feel kind of bad since it’s just a dog?

OP is sad because she is realizing the path they are choosing. She also likely enjoying having children and knowing her kids won’t experience this. It’s like being an educated person and finding out your kids don’t want to attend college. They will be missing out.

Umm, what? I had kids and wish I hadn't. I am trying to revolutionize a medical field and realize I should have focused more on my career. Yes, I love my kids and have made my life different to prioritize them, but I have a number of colleagues who are doing exactly this and didn't have kids to give more back. Don't be so rude -- there are so many kinds of people in the world. I'm sure there are those that match what you say, but the knee jerk selfishness argument just doesn't fly.

Why not do both?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my generation was told we shouldn't have children because overpopulation is bad for the planet.

Population in the U.S. has grown exponentially, but it's not due to people having kids. It's mass immigration bringing in people. We had small families compared to earlier generations.

The same message is still getting pushed, but the talking points have changed a little bit. Kids are a pain. Kids get in the way of your career. Kids ruin your life. What kind of world will the children inherit.

Kids enhance your life so much. Yes, there's a lot of sacrifice involved. But anyone who has children can say the love is more than worth the trade-offs.

I have warned my DC that one day they will come to regret the decision not to have children, and it will be too late. I don't know anyone from my generation, who didn't come to deeply regret their decision not to have children. They realize the mistake is permanent, and it breaks their heart. They become bitter. Also, in old age they become vulnerable to all sorts of exploitation.

You can go online and read stores about elderly people who got swindled out of their life savings and have ended up homeless.

I tell my kids the same thing. I'm de-emphasizing hard driving prestige careers for my kids. What ever can pay the bills is good enough. Family should come first. Average people seem happier to me anyway.