Nanny wants to take 3-4 weeks off. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar struggle with our nanny. We give her guaranteed hours and we pay her even when she greatly exceeds her allotted sick and annual leave time off.

We love her and so we try to ALWAYS accommodate her, but we are not rich and at a certain point it’s hard shelling out such a massive expense when the alternatives would be much cheaper.

BUT, our DC is deeply attached to her and I cannot imagine separating them.

There are so many advantages to having a nanny but in a weird way one of the downsides is that you do become enmeshed with each other and they are like part of your family and I don’t know how we properly extricate ourselves from this arrangement someday because we can’t afford this expense forever.

OP here and yes, hard to imagine our lives without our nanny. We don’t have family nearby and she has been a very stable presence in our lives. My kids love her and she is great and loving with them.

I have started wondering if it’s time for us to look for a different type of care. I thought about getting an au pair to expose my kids to different people and also to save money, but I am scared of regretting the change TBH. We have always been very helpful and accommodating with the nanny. We helped her kids with college application, helped her husband find a job, found her more work for some of the mornings, etc.
she has a very large extended family and has had to take a day off here and there for baptisms, weddings, parents illness (her mom was also really sick a couple of years ago, etc.). But she never took more than 2-3 days off at the time and we have always been able to manage taking time off from work.

This time however, on one hand we can’t take time off from work anymore. Kids get off from schools between 3 and 3:30 and have activities until 5:30/6 most days. I have meetings always/often around this time and can’t just miss them for weeks. On top of that, I wonder if we can keep justifying this expense and whether we should consider reducing her hours (not sure she would stay) or finding a cheaper solution for picking kids up and driving them to activities.

If the activities are right after school, I'm surprised they don't have a shuttle that picks kids up from the school.

Different poster- I live in a wealthy community where many families have a SAHM or full time nanny and I have heard of exactly 0 after school activity shuttle options. Having a nanny would make 3 weeks without one very difficult bc their lives are set up to have a driving caregiver.

Weird. Do you think that's because you're in a wealthy area? There's a ton of activity busses at our elementary school. The activities are basically an alternative to aftercare.

It's totally arbitrary by local school and not wealth related.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other workers get FMLA. But FMLA is unpaid.

She can take the time off but you can't pay for it. Sorry.

FMLA doesn't cover bereavement.

Correct but you can get a doctor to write you out for behavioral health reasons

That's for mental health *treatment*, not vacation.

https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/fact-sheets/28o-mental-health

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you.
I will wait to talk to nanny a few days after she is back (Tuesday or Wednesday) and get a better idea of how long she needs to be there.

My understanding is that she needs to be in home country when the body arrives so she needs to go 1-2 days before and the funeral will be 4 days after body arrives. So in 1 week she is done. Nanny has 10 brothers and sisters. Some live in home country and some in the US/Europe. Mom lived in the US with dad. 3 kids (nanny + 2 siblings) lived in the US as well. The other 2 siblings are coming back after 1 week because of work and I am not sure why nanny needs to be there for 3-4. Also, nanny goes back to home country every year and I am sure she will go back this summer in July-August so she has other times to see her extended family.

It’s a really big ask of us to take a month off and get paid. I will ask why she needs to be there and then decide what to do.

Thank you for all your suggestions and I feel like we will come to some kind of agreement about her pay for those 3-4 weeks.

There’s no “agreement” to come to regarding the pay. Stop approaching this like a negotiation. Tell her what you’re going to do:
“We can pay for one week’s leave. After that, it will be leave without pay.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you.
I will wait to talk to nanny a few days after she is back (Tuesday or Wednesday) and get a better idea of how long she needs to be there.

My understanding is that she needs to be in home country when the body arrives so she needs to go 1-2 days before and the funeral will be 4 days after body arrives. So in 1 week she is done. Nanny has 10 brothers and sisters. Some live in home country and some in the US/Europe. Mom lived in the US with dad. 3 kids (nanny + 2 siblings) lived in the US as well. The other 2 siblings are coming back after 1 week because of work and I am not sure why nanny needs to be there for 3-4. Also, nanny goes back to home country every year and I am sure she will go back this summer in July-August so she has other times to see her extended family.

It’s a really big ask of us to take a month off and get paid. I will ask why she needs to be there and then decide what to do.

Thank you for all your suggestions and I feel like we will come to some kind of agreement about her pay for those 3-4 weeks.

There’s no “agreement” to come to regarding the pay. Stop approaching this like a negotiation. Tell her what you’re going to do:
“We can pay for one week’s leave. After that, it will be leave without pay.”

This. After she thinks more rationally about what her siblings are doing and the loss of pay, she will probably shorten her trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you.
I will wait to talk to nanny a few days after she is back (Tuesday or Wednesday) and get a better idea of how long she needs to be there.

My understanding is that she needs to be in home country when the body arrives so she needs to go 1-2 days before and the funeral will be 4 days after body arrives. So in 1 week she is done. Nanny has 10 brothers and sisters. Some live in home country and some in the US/Europe. Mom lived in the US with dad. 3 kids (nanny + 2 siblings) lived in the US as well. The other 2 siblings are coming back after 1 week because of work and I am not sure why nanny needs to be there for 3-4. Also, nanny goes back to home country every year and I am sure she will go back this summer in July-August so she has other times to see her extended family.

It’s a really big ask of us to take a month off and get paid. I will ask why she needs to be there and then decide what to do.

Thank you for all your suggestions and I feel like we will come to some kind of agreement about her pay for those 3-4 weeks.

There’s no “agreement” to come to regarding the pay. Stop approaching this like a negotiation. Tell her what you’re going to do:
“We can pay for one week’s leave. After that, it will be leave without pay.”

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a great nanny. She has been with us for 10 years (3 kids). She is really great and part of the family and that is why we kept her even after the youngest started school FT. She is currently paid for 8 hours of work, but really only works 4 per day. We have been always very flexible with her and she has generous vacations since we also travel 2+ months in the summer and 2-3 weeks for winter break. For example she spent almost 2 months in her home country last summer and 1 week in the Caribbean (not with us) for winter break.

Her mom lived in a city nearby and was very sick in the last month and nanny took several days off to be with her. She recently passed away and nanny wants to take her to be buried in her home country. The trip is long and she has asked for 3-4 weeks off.

We are not going to be able to pay her and her replacement. I can perhaps have one of my parents fly here to help for some of that time, but I am also upset and don’t think nanny should be paid for those 3-4 weeks she is taking. I would totally understand 1 week off, but 3-4 no.

What do you think? What should we do?

Thanks

Well. in my family, I would not hesitate to let her do this. But, apparently, being a part of your family isn't the same. You let her go with because of the years she has been with you. Plus, you figure out a way to pay her. She took care of your most precious of obsession so you could do your thing.

Her mother died and she wants to bury her in her native soil. You owe her for the years of peace of mind she has given you so you could work and make money

What kind of person are you to even ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a great nanny. She has been with us for 10 years (3 kids). She is really great and part of the family and that is why we kept her even after the youngest started school FT. She is currently paid for 8 hours of work, but really only works 4 per day. We have been always very flexible with her and she has generous vacations since we also travel 2+ months in the summer and 2-3 weeks for winter break. For example she spent almost 2 months in her home country last summer and 1 week in the Caribbean (not with us) for winter break.

Her mom lived in a city nearby and was very sick in the last month and nanny took several days off to be with her. She recently passed away and nanny wants to take her to be buried in her home country. The trip is long and she has asked for 3-4 weeks off.

We are not going to be able to pay her and her replacement. I can perhaps have one of my parents fly here to help for some of that time, but I am also upset and don’t think nanny should be paid for those 3-4 weeks she is taking. I would totally understand 1 week off, but 3-4 no.

What do you think? What should we do?

Thanks

Well. in my family, I would not hesitate to let her do this. But, apparently, being a part of your family isn't the same. You let her go with because of the years she has been with you. Plus, you figure out a way to pay her. She took care of your most precious of obsession so you could do your thing.

Her mother died and she wants to bury her in her native soil. You owe her for the years of peace of mind she has given you so you could work and make money

What kind of person are you to even ask?

Woah.

[Anonymous]

Maybe just pay 2 weeks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a great nanny. She has been with us for 10 years (3 kids). She is really great and part of the family and that is why we kept her even after the youngest started school FT. She is currently paid for 8 hours of work, but really only works 4 per day. We have been always very flexible with her and she has generous vacations since we also travel 2+ months in the summer and 2-3 weeks for winter break. For example she spent almost 2 months in her home country last summer and 1 week in the Caribbean (not with us) for winter break.

Her mom lived in a city nearby and was very sick in the last month and nanny took several days off to be with her. She recently passed away and nanny wants to take her to be buried in her home country. The trip is long and she has asked for 3-4 weeks off.

We are not going to be able to pay her and her replacement. I can perhaps have one of my parents fly here to help for some of that time, but I am also upset and don’t think nanny should be paid for those 3-4 weeks she is taking. I would totally understand 1 week off, but 3-4 no.

What do you think? What should we do?

Thanks

Well. in my family, I would not hesitate to let her do this. But, apparently, being a part of your family isn't the same. You let her go with because of the years she has been with you. Plus, you figure out a way to pay her. She took care of your most precious of obsession so you could do your thing.

Her mother died and she wants to bury her in her native soil. You owe her for the years of peace of mind she has given you so you could work and make money

What kind of person are you to even ask?

So to all you "It's her MOTHER" posters, you would be ok if the nanny wanted 6 months off paid? 3 months? 10 weeks? 6 weeks? Is there any cutoff to you? Cause I think one week of paid bereavement time *in addition to the ten days paid vacation already taken* is a solid cutoff. Most people would not be able to take 4 weeks of work off on short notice for this purpose - including, apparently, the nanny's siblings. And this is much more of a hardship to the OP than it would be for some office drone, yet she's nice enough to consider doing the workarounds necessary as long as she doesn't have to pay for the entire four weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, she’s not “part of your family”. You don’t truly feel that way.

3-4 weeks is a long time to take off paid.

This post, on page 1 of the thread, sums it up.

Stop thinking of your nanny as a member of the family when, obviously, she is not a member of the family. Then you can make decisions as an employer that make sense within the employment contract and in terms of the employment relationship. Trouble starts when you lie to yourself (and to the nanny) about what the relationship is. This woman take care of your kids and does some housework in exchange for money. You might get along well and like her on a personal level, but even those feelings are based on how she performs her job, not who she is as a person. You don't actually know her well enough to know if you'd like her, because the entire time you've known her, she has been your employee. How well do you let your boss get to know you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you.
I will wait to talk to nanny a few days after she is back (Tuesday or Wednesday) and get a better idea of how long she needs to be there.

My understanding is that she needs to be in home country when the body arrives so she needs to go 1-2 days before and the funeral will be 4 days after body arrives. So in 1 week she is done. Nanny has 10 brothers and sisters. Some live in home country and some in the US/Europe. Mom lived in the US with dad. 3 kids (nanny + 2 siblings) lived in the US as well. The other 2 siblings are coming back after 1 week because of work and I am not sure why nanny needs to be there for 3-4. Also, nanny goes back to home country every year and I am sure she will go back this summer in July-August so she has other times to see her extended family.

It’s a really big ask of us to take a month off and get paid. I will ask why she needs to be there and then decide what to do.

Thank you for all your suggestions and I feel like we will come to some kind of agreement about her pay for those 3-4 weeks.

It doesn't sound like she asked for an extra month paid vacation. You keep assuming she expects it to be paid, but nearly everyone here is telling you that is clearly ridiculous and she wouldn't expect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you.
I will wait to talk to nanny a few days after she is back (Tuesday or Wednesday) and get a better idea of how long she needs to be there.

My understanding is that she needs to be in home country when the body arrives so she needs to go 1-2 days before and the funeral will be 4 days after body arrives. So in 1 week she is done. Nanny has 10 brothers and sisters. Some live in home country and some in the US/Europe. Mom lived in the US with dad. 3 kids (nanny + 2 siblings) lived in the US as well. The other 2 siblings are coming back after 1 week because of work and I am not sure why nanny needs to be there for 3-4. Also, nanny goes back to home country every year and I am sure she will go back this summer in July-August so she has other times to see her extended family.

It’s a really big ask of us to take a month off and get paid. I will ask why she needs to be there and then decide what to do.

Thank you for all your suggestions and I feel like we will come to some kind of agreement about her pay for those 3-4 weeks.

Don’t ask her why she needs to be there for that long. She’s is entitled to ask for what she wants and your entitled to agree or disagree but you are not entitled to a justification for the request. I personally would pay her for 2 weeks and she can govern herself accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a great nanny. She has been with us for 10 years (3 kids). She is really great and part of the family and that is why we kept her even after the youngest started school FT. She is currently paid for 8 hours of work, but really only works 4 per day. We have been always very flexible with her and she has generous vacations since we also travel 2+ months in the summer and 2-3 weeks for winter break. For example she spent almost 2 months in her home country last summer and 1 week in the Caribbean (not with us) for winter break.

Her mom lived in a city nearby and was very sick in the last month and nanny took several days off to be with her. She recently passed away and nanny wants to take her to be buried in her home country. The trip is long and she has asked for 3-4 weeks off.

We are not going to be able to pay her and her replacement. I can perhaps have one of my parents fly here to help for some of that time, but I am also upset and don’t think nanny should be paid for those 3-4 weeks she is taking. I would totally understand 1 week off, but 3-4 no.

What do you think? What should we do?

Thanks

Well. in my family, I would not hesitate to let her do this. But, apparently, being a part of your family isn't the same. You let her go with because of the years she has been with you. Plus, you figure out a way to pay her. She took care of your most precious of obsession so you could do your thing.

Her mother died and she wants to bury her in her native soil. You owe her for the years of peace of mind she has given you so you could work and make money

What kind of person are you to even ask?

Woah.

It's our resident nanny troll. Ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you.
I will wait to talk to nanny a few days after she is back (Tuesday or Wednesday) and get a better idea of how long she needs to be there.

My understanding is that she needs to be in home country when the body arrives so she needs to go 1-2 days before and the funeral will be 4 days after body arrives. So in 1 week she is done. Nanny has 10 brothers and sisters. Some live in home country and some in the US/Europe. Mom lived in the US with dad. 3 kids (nanny + 2 siblings) lived in the US as well. The other 2 siblings are coming back after 1 week because of work and I am not sure why nanny needs to be there for 3-4. Also, nanny goes back to home country every year and I am sure she will go back this summer in July-August so she has other times to see her extended family.

It’s a really big ask of us to take a month off and get paid. I will ask why she needs to be there and then decide what to do.

Thank you for all your suggestions and I feel like we will come to some kind of agreement about her pay for those 3-4 weeks.

Don’t ask her why she needs to be there for that long. She’s is entitled to ask for what she wants and your entitled to agree or disagree but you are not entitled to a justification for the request. I personally would pay her for 2 weeks and she can govern herself accordingly.

I agree. No questions and no unearned pay. That's how you treat an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a great nanny. She has been with us for 10 years (3 kids). She is really great and part of the family and that is why we kept her even after the youngest started school FT. She is currently paid for 8 hours of work, but really only works 4 per day. We have been always very flexible with her and she has generous vacations since we also travel 2+ months in the summer and 2-3 weeks for winter break. For example she spent almost 2 months in her home country last summer and 1 week in the Caribbean (not with us) for winter break.

Her mom lived in a city nearby and was very sick in the last month and nanny took several days off to be with her. She recently passed away and nanny wants to take her to be buried in her home country. The trip is long and she has asked for 3-4 weeks off.

We are not going to be able to pay her and her replacement. I can perhaps have one of my parents fly here to help for some of that time, but I am also upset and don’t think nanny should be paid for those 3-4 weeks she is taking. I would totally understand 1 week off, but 3-4 no.

What do you think? What should we do?

Thanks

Well. in my family, I would not hesitate to let her do this. But, apparently, being a part of your family isn't the same. You let her go with because of the years she has been with you. Plus, you figure out a way to pay her. She took care of your most precious of obsession so you could do your thing.

Her mother died and she wants to bury her in her native soil. You owe her for the years of peace of mind she has given you so you could work and make money

What kind of person are you to even ask?

Plus 1.