Nanny wants to take 3-4 weeks off. What should I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar struggle with our nanny. We give her guaranteed hours and we pay her even when she greatly exceeds her allotted sick and annual leave time off.

We love her and so we try to ALWAYS accommodate her, but we are not rich and at a certain point it’s hard shelling out such a massive expense when the alternatives would be much cheaper.

BUT, our DC is deeply attached to her and I cannot imagine separating them.

There are so many advantages to having a nanny but in a weird way one of the downsides is that you do become enmeshed with each other and they are like part of your family and I don’t know how we properly extricate ourselves from this arrangement someday because we can’t afford this expense forever.

This sounds scary as someone who is contemplating hiring a nanny. Such a tough situation because of course you want the kid to be securely attached, but then it brings problems too

Not OP but I would think of it as like an aunt type situation, that you’re paying of course. I love the bond my nanny has with DC and it allows me to be 100% at my work - which is what pays for the nanny anyways.

Right, but that aunt isn’t as enmeshed in your kid’s day to day life and then drop off suddenly once she leaves? Even nannies who stay in touch with their former charges surely don’t see them more than say, once a week or month

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar struggle with our nanny. We give her guaranteed hours and we pay her even when she greatly exceeds her allotted sick and annual leave time off.

We love her and so we try to ALWAYS accommodate her, but we are not rich and at a certain point it’s hard shelling out such a massive expense when the alternatives would be much cheaper.

BUT, our DC is deeply attached to her and I cannot imagine separating them.

There are so many advantages to having a nanny but in a weird way one of the downsides is that you do become enmeshed with each other and they are like part of your family and I don’t know how we properly extricate ourselves from this arrangement someday because we can’t afford this expense forever.

This sounds scary as someone who is contemplating hiring a nanny. Such a tough situation because of course you want the kid to be securely attached, but then it brings problems too

Not OP but I would think of it as like an aunt type situation, that you’re paying of course. I love the bond my nanny has with DC and it allows me to be 100% at my work - which is what pays for the nanny anyways.

Right, but that aunt isn’t as enmeshed in your kid’s day to day life and then drop off suddenly once she leaves? Even nannies who stay in touch with their former charges surely don’t see them more than say, once a week or month

I’m the PP who talked about our relationship with our nanny and I agree, it’s more than an aunt situation. In our case, the nanny is really more like a 3rd parent. She’s been an active part of DC’s life for 5 years. DC cannot remember a world without her. DC cries for the nanny sometimes and talks about her every single day, multiple times a day. When DC has been hospitalized (which has not been infrequently as DC is medically complex), the nanny has been at the hospital just as much as DH and I (we would each take an 8 hour shift in the hospital for days and weeks at a time).

OF COURSE our nanny is family and would always be part of our lives. It’s a permanent relationship. BUT, I don’t know how we step back. Our nanny has to make a living. I envision a gradual phase out but that may not be feasible unless we want to keep paying her to come less and less, since nanny has to make a living.

I didn’t realize how hard this would be when we first hired her. It’s of course a blessing but it hurts my heart to think of what comes next and also we truly cannot afford it forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar struggle with our nanny. We give her guaranteed hours and we pay her even when she greatly exceeds her allotted sick and annual leave time off.

We love her and so we try to ALWAYS accommodate her, but we are not rich and at a certain point it’s hard shelling out such a massive expense when the alternatives would be much cheaper.

BUT, our DC is deeply attached to her and I cannot imagine separating them.

There are so many advantages to having a nanny but in a weird way one of the downsides is that you do become enmeshed with each other and they are like part of your family and I don’t know how we properly extricate ourselves from this arrangement someday because we can’t afford this expense forever.

OP here and yes, hard to imagine our lives without our nanny. We don’t have family nearby and she has been a very stable presence in our lives. My kids love her and she is great and loving with them.

I have started wondering if it’s time for us to look for a different type of care. I thought about getting an au pair to expose my kids to different people and also to save money, but I am scared of regretting the change TBH. We have always been very helpful and accommodating with the nanny. We helped her kids with college application, helped her husband find a job, found her more work for some of the mornings, etc.
she has a very large extended family and has had to take a day off here and there for baptisms, weddings, parents illness (her mom was also really sick a couple of years ago, etc.). But she never took more than 2-3 days off at the time and we have always been able to manage taking time off from work.

This time however, on one hand we can’t take time off from work anymore. Kids get off from schools between 3 and 3:30 and have activities until 5:30/6 most days. I have meetings always/often around this time and can’t just miss them for weeks. On top of that, I wonder if we can keep justifying this expense and whether we should consider reducing her hours (not sure she would stay) or finding a cheaper solution for picking kids up and driving them to activities.

If the activities are right after school, I'm surprised they don't have a shuttle that picks kids up from the school.

[Anonymous]

Other workers get FMLA. But FMLA is unpaid.

She can take the time off but you can't pay for it. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Do you give to charities? Why not treat it as charity? Helping a grieving person take fare of a family obligation. May be she has family there or some inheritance or lose ends to tie.

If money is tight and you can't pay her in full and her replacement then pay her for 10 days as in contract and give an extra $500 to help with her travel expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar struggle with our nanny. We give her guaranteed hours and we pay her even when she greatly exceeds her allotted sick and annual leave time off.

We love her and so we try to ALWAYS accommodate her, but we are not rich and at a certain point it’s hard shelling out such a massive expense when the alternatives would be much cheaper.

BUT, our DC is deeply attached to her and I cannot imagine separating them.

There are so many advantages to having a nanny but in a weird way one of the downsides is that you do become enmeshed with each other and they are like part of your family and I don’t know how we properly extricate ourselves from this arrangement someday because we can’t afford this expense forever.

OP here and yes, hard to imagine our lives without our nanny. We don’t have family nearby and she has been a very stable presence in our lives. My kids love her and she is great and loving with them.

I have started wondering if it’s time for us to look for a different type of care. I thought about getting an au pair to expose my kids to different people and also to save money, but I am scared of regretting the change TBH. We have always been very helpful and accommodating with the nanny. We helped her kids with college application, helped her husband find a job, found her more work for some of the mornings, etc.
she has a very large extended family and has had to take a day off here and there for baptisms, weddings, parents illness (her mom was also really sick a couple of years ago, etc.). But she never took more than 2-3 days off at the time and we have always been able to manage taking time off from work.

This time however, on one hand we can’t take time off from work anymore. Kids get off from schools between 3 and 3:30 and have activities until 5:30/6 most days. I have meetings always/often around this time and can’t just miss them for weeks. On top of that, I wonder if we can keep justifying this expense and whether we should consider reducing her hours (not sure she would stay) or finding a cheaper solution for picking kids up and driving them to activities.

If the activities are right after school, I'm surprised they don't have a shuttle that picks kids up from the school.

Different poster- I live in a wealthy community where many families have a SAHM or full time nanny and I have heard of exactly 0 after school activity shuttle options. Having a nanny would make 3 weeks without one very difficult bc their lives are set up to have a driving caregiver.

[Anonymous]

Change the times of the activities and put them in before/after care for a month. Pay her two weeks for her yearly vacation amount and then she can do LWOP for 1-2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

I would pay her for three weeks but not four or anything beyond that. This indicates to her she can’t take indefinite laid leave.

I actually understand why she needs this time. It’s to grieve, but it’s probably also to do stuff like start to settle the estate, pack up her belongings, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would pay her for three weeks but not four or anything beyond that. This indicates to her she can’t take indefinite laid leave.

I actually understand why she needs this time. It’s to grieve, but it’s probably also to do stuff like start to settle the estate, pack up her belongings, etc.

Nanny's mother lived here. OP's nanny is taking her back to her home country to be buried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a similar struggle with our nanny. We give her guaranteed hours and we pay her even when she greatly exceeds her allotted sick and annual leave time off.

We love her and so we try to ALWAYS accommodate her, but we are not rich and at a certain point it’s hard shelling out such a massive expense when the alternatives would be much cheaper.

BUT, our DC is deeply attached to her and I cannot imagine separating them.

There are so many advantages to having a nanny but in a weird way one of the downsides is that you do become enmeshed with each other and they are like part of your family and I don’t know how we properly extricate ourselves from this arrangement someday because we can’t afford this expense forever.

OP here and yes, hard to imagine our lives without our nanny. We don’t have family nearby and she has been a very stable presence in our lives. My kids love her and she is great and loving with them.

I have started wondering if it’s time for us to look for a different type of care. I thought about getting an au pair to expose my kids to different people and also to save money, but I am scared of regretting the change TBH. We have always been very helpful and accommodating with the nanny. We helped her kids with college application, helped her husband find a job, found her more work for some of the mornings, etc.
she has a very large extended family and has had to take a day off here and there for baptisms, weddings, parents illness (her mom was also really sick a couple of years ago, etc.). But she never took more than 2-3 days off at the time and we have always been able to manage taking time off from work.

This time however, on one hand we can’t take time off from work anymore. Kids get off from schools between 3 and 3:30 and have activities until 5:30/6 most days. I have meetings always/often around this time and can’t just miss them for weeks. On top of that, I wonder if we can keep justifying this expense and whether we should consider reducing her hours (not sure she would stay) or finding a cheaper solution for picking kids up and driving them to activities.

If the activities are right after school, I'm surprised they don't have a shuttle that picks kids up from the school.

Different poster- I live in a wealthy community where many families have a SAHM or full time nanny and I have heard of exactly 0 after school activity shuttle options. Having a nanny would make 3 weeks without one very difficult bc their lives are set up to have a driving caregiver.

Weird. Do you think that's because you're in a wealthy area? There's a ton of activity busses at our elementary school. The activities are basically an alternative to aftercare.

[Anonymous]

Some families pays the nanny. Some others don't.
It's your choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other workers get FMLA. But FMLA is unpaid.

She can take the time off but you can't pay for it. Sorry.

FMLA doesn't cover bereavement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other workers get FMLA. But FMLA is unpaid.

She can take the time off but you can't pay for it. Sorry.

FMLA doesn't cover bereavement.

Correct but you can get a doctor to write you out for behavioral health reasons

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other workers get FMLA. But FMLA is unpaid.

She can take the time off but you can't pay for it. Sorry.

FMLA doesn't cover bereavement.

Correct but you can get a doctor to write you out for behavioral health reasons

dude... not cool.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you.
I will wait to talk to nanny a few days after she is back (Tuesday or Wednesday) and get a better idea of how long she needs to be there.

My understanding is that she needs to be in home country when the body arrives so she needs to go 1-2 days before and the funeral will be 4 days after body arrives. So in 1 week she is done. Nanny has 10 brothers and sisters. Some live in home country and some in the US/Europe. Mom lived in the US with dad. 3 kids (nanny + 2 siblings) lived in the US as well. The other 2 siblings are coming back after 1 week because of work and I am not sure why nanny needs to be there for 3-4. Also, nanny goes back to home country every year and I am sure she will go back this summer in July-August so she has other times to see her extended family.

It’s a really big ask of us to take a month off and get paid. I will ask why she needs to be there and then decide what to do.

Thank you for all your suggestions and I feel like we will come to some kind of agreement about her pay for those 3-4 weeks.