Finding an affair partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW but I honestly don't get how when one spouse unilaterally cuts off sex with no conversation (where's the pressure for them to offer solutions or just suck it up and have sex) only the other spouse is to blame if they cheat. Sex is a reasonably expected thing in a marriage - I think you make an implicit promise to have it as much as you make an explicit promise to not have it with others. Of course sometimes like an illness can derail it and that's a separate thing, but just deciding you're done and then sharing no responsibility for finding other ways to make the marriage work or no blame if you refuse any options makes no sense to me.

Bingo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a DW but I honestly don't get how when one spouse unilaterally cuts off sex with no conversation (where's the pressure for them to offer solutions or just suck it up and have sex) only the other spouse is to blame if they cheat. Sex is a reasonably expected thing in a marriage - I think you make an implicit promise to have it as much as you make an explicit promise to not have it with others. Of course sometimes like an illness can derail it and that's a separate thing, but just deciding you're done and then sharing no responsibility for finding other ways to make the marriage work or no blame if you refuse any options makes no sense to me.

Bingo.

But how much sex is “cut off?” Someone may have sex with their husband 2-3 times per year and think that is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the best ways? Do apps really work? Straight married man here. Accomplished professionally, relatively attractive for middle aged professional.

(To preempt the irrelevant questions: wife has lost all interest in sex, gained 50 pounds, and refuses to try losing weight. But we still get along fine and I don’t want to divorce which would crush the kids.)

You made a promise. Have some integrity. If you want to have sex with other people at least formally alert your wife via serving her with divorce papers. If you’re too chicken shit to do that, don’t lurk around in the shadow and cheat. You’ll eventually get caught and it will be so much worse.

+10000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fellow parents at school, coworkers, people you come in contact with through work or the gym or wherever. Flirt with those you find attractive, it might go somewhere if you have intense chemistry.

Sounds like my ex-DH. He had no problem finding thirsty moms to flirt with. They couldn’t keep it a secret though. Fellow parents notice, and yes so do kids, even little ones

So what is it the guy actually likes, the other woman or the prospect of duping his own children and elementary school community that he is a nice guy when in reality he and the AP are in on the dirty little secret that he's actually a naughty boy. There seems to be something seriously demented, particularly about the latter.

[Anonymous]

Just because you are faithful in your marriage does not mean you are a good person. You might beat your dog, cheat on your taxes or commit various felonies.

People are not pure good or evil. If you are faithful that does not give you an automatic "Ticket to Heaven".

At the same time you can cheat on your wife but be the guy that jumps on a grenade to save your fellow men in war, or runs into the towers on 9/11...things just are not simple in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are faithful in your marriage does not mean you are a good person. You might beat your dog, cheat on your taxes or commit various felonies.

People are not pure good or evil. If you are faithful that does not give you an automatic "Ticket to Heaven".

At the same time you can cheat on your wife but be the guy that jumps on a grenade to save your fellow men in war, or runs into the towers on 9/11...things just are not simple in life.

This is so true. There are also much worse things that happen in marriages than affairs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are faithful in your marriage does not mean you are a good person. You might beat your dog, cheat on your taxes or commit various felonies.

People are not pure good or evil. If you are faithful that does not give you an automatic "Ticket to Heaven".

At the same time you can cheat on your wife but be the guy that jumps on a grenade to save your fellow men in war, or runs into the towers on 9/11...things just are not simple in life.

They are awful to their spouse. That is what matters to a spouse, their children and family

And these people are narcissists so love to play the hero and savior.

You are judged by how you treat others, family first and foremost.

Liars and phonies. It’s hard to take anything they do as genuine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are faithful in your marriage does not mean you are a good person. You might beat your dog, cheat on your taxes or commit various felonies.

People are not pure good or evil. If you are faithful that does not give you an automatic "Ticket to Heaven".

At the same time you can cheat on your wife but be the guy that jumps on a grenade to save your fellow men in war, or runs into the towers on 9/11...things just are not simple in life.

This is so true. There are also much worse things that happen in marriages than affairs

Who cares? An affair is awfully traumatizing, the betrayal and loss of loyalty, lies and exposure to diseases.

So who cares if there are other bad things that can happen? So what.

What crazy justifications the pp has been trying to make over the last few pages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are faithful in your marriage does not mean you are a good person. You might beat your dog, cheat on your taxes or commit various felonies.

People are not pure good or evil. If you are faithful that does not give you an automatic "Ticket to Heaven".

At the same time you can cheat on your wife but be the guy that jumps on a grenade to save your fellow men in war, or runs into the towers on 9/11...things just are not simple in life.

They are awful to their spouse. That is what matters to a spouse, their children and family

And these people are narcissists so love to play the hero and savior.

You are judged by how you treat others, family first and foremost.

Liars and phonies. It’s hard to take anything they do as genuine.

A spouse who uses sex( or the withdrawal of sex) to manipulate her partner is far worse than one that has an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are faithful in your marriage does not mean you are a good person. You might beat your dog, cheat on your taxes or commit various felonies.

People are not pure good or evil. If you are faithful that does not give you an automatic "Ticket to Heaven".

At the same time you can cheat on your wife but be the guy that jumps on a grenade to save your fellow men in war, or runs into the towers on 9/11...things just are not simple in life.

This is so true. There are also much worse things that happen in marriages than affairs

Who cares? An affair is awfully traumatizing, the betrayal and loss of loyalty, lies and exposure to diseases.

So who cares if there are other bad things that can happen? So what.

What crazy justifications the pp has been trying to make over the last few pages.

Being faithful does not make you a saint!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are faithful in your marriage does not mean you are a good person. You might beat your dog, cheat on your taxes or commit various felonies.

People are not pure good or evil. If you are faithful that does not give you an automatic "Ticket to Heaven".

At the same time you can cheat on your wife but be the guy that jumps on a grenade to save your fellow men in war, or runs into the towers on 9/11...things just are not simple in life.

They are awful to their spouse. That is what matters to a spouse, their children and family

And these people are narcissists so love to play the hero and savior.

You are judged by how you treat others, family first and foremost.

Liars and phonies. It’s hard to take anything they do as genuine.

A spouse who uses sex( or the withdrawal of sex) to manipulate her partner is far worse than one that has an affair.

So many men ARE getting regular sex at home while cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because you are faithful in your marriage does not mean you are a good person. You might beat your dog, cheat on your taxes or commit various felonies.

People are not pure good or evil. If you are faithful that does not give you an automatic "Ticket to Heaven".

At the same time you can cheat on your wife but be the guy that jumps on a grenade to save your fellow men in war, or runs into the towers on 9/11...things just are not simple in life.

This is so true. There are also much worse things that happen in marriages than affairs

Who cares? An affair is awfully traumatizing, the betrayal and loss of loyalty, lies and exposure to diseases.

So who cares if there are other bad things that can happen? So what.

What crazy justifications the pp has been trying to make over the last few pages.

Being faithful does not make you a saint!

I didn’t say it did. And cheating certainly doesn’t either. Look- you seem to be trying to persuade people you aren’t bad because you cheat. If you are worried that people will think poorly of you for doing a hurtful and shady thing, then don’t do it. People will react to the fact you are a cheater and you can’t control that reaction.

Only 6% of Americans thinks infidelity is ok so you aren’t going to find a lot of support, even from fellow cheaters who often justify their own cheating but think others are bad for doing it.

[Anonymous]

I personally think my friend who withheld sex from her DH for 9 years was worse than her DH who stepped out after 7 of them. She wouldn’t go to therapy when he asked, didn’t engage in conversations with him about it when he tried, and just took it off the table. That’s abominable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think my friend who withheld sex from her DH for 9 years was worse than her DH who stepped out after 7 of them. She wouldn’t go to therapy when he asked, didn’t engage in conversations with him about it when he tried, and just took it off the table. That’s abominable.

Then divorce her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I personally think my friend who withheld sex from her DH for 9 years was worse than her DH who stepped out after 7 of them. She wouldn’t go to therapy when he asked, didn’t engage in conversations with him about it when he tried, and just took it off the table. That’s abominable.

Then divorce her.

You know, if life is good otherwise and you have kids, it feels “shallow” to divorce over a lack of sex. I followed this line of thinking during the sexless part of my marriage and had an emotional affair but could not go through with it.