If H takes this job, it’s going to break me.

[Anonymous]

Wait it out my fanny. Are you some doormat SAHM who's congratulating herself on how much crap she put up with for decades? Sorry but allowing yourself to be mistreated ks not a solution, it's a failure.

[Anonymous]

OP. We tried talking again and he brought up THAT HE TOOK OUT THE GARBAGE ON CHRISTMAS. I'm supposed to be grateful he did it one time 2 weeks ago.

Now he's giving the youngest kid a bath and acting like I'm the crazy one for not being grateful. This is probably the first bath he's given her in 6 months.

Online right now looking for places to live. I can't do this anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. We tried talking again and he brought up THAT HE TOOK OUT THE GARBAGE ON CHRISTMAS. I'm supposed to be grateful he did it one time 2 weeks ago.

Now he's giving the youngest kid a bath and acting like I'm the crazy one for not being grateful. This is probably the first bath he's given her in 6 months.

Online right now looking for places to live. I can't do this anymore.

I think you posted here because you wanted confirmation of what you already knew.

Look divorce won't be easy but at least you won't be living with someone who screams and destroys things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he's addicted to his phone.

Not to beat a dead horse, but this too could be related to untreated ADHD. The impulsivity of ADHD create a higher risk of internet and cell phone addictions. Obviously this doesn’t help OP to know if her husband refuses to be reevaluated and potentially treated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. We tried talking again and he brought up THAT HE TOOK OUT THE GARBAGE ON CHRISTMAS. I'm supposed to be grateful he did it one time 2 weeks ago.

Now he's giving the youngest kid a bath and acting like I'm the crazy one for not being grateful. This is probably the first bath he's given her in 6 months.

Online right now looking for places to live. I can't do this anymore.

If somehow he does manage to get a pay raise after six months of this trial period, would that benefit you in terms of child or spousal support? This is all something to think about with your attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He came home to tell you about something he was excited about and felt flattered by. You called him lazy and talked about his flaws. I am having trouble understanding how you expected him to react. I know he isn't helping at home, but he's your husband and you should try to muster a little bit of support for him.

Men get better as they get older. They contribute more and make more responsible decisions. Wait him out.

Just how much lack of consideration, fairness, and basic adult functioning should a woman accept in the name of "support"? If she acted happy about it, that would be deceitful. She isn't, and he deserves to hear the truth even if it causes him a man-baby tantrum.

You can't maintain a relationship if you withhold all support until all problems are solved.

Also let's be real here. This is about cleaning. People don't divorce over cleaning. They do divorce over falling out of love and that is the path they are on if OP and her husband can't have a conversation about work opportunities without her calling him lazy, etc.

As far as the temporary position, this is really common at government agencies and often doesn't come with increased compensation. And it can be very career limiting if you don't do them or apply when approached about them.

Lots and lots and lots of men don't pull their weight at home. Despite all the insistence on this board that everyone has a 50/50 split, there's been a lot of ink spilled on how men do much less housework. And yeah, that impacts marriages, with couples like OPs generally having less sex than couples with a fairer distribution of work. So I'm not saying it's not a problem, but I am saying it's a common dynamic and one that tends to change over time, with men assuming more and more work as they get older. So this is something that she can literally wait out.

Please stop posting this “wait it out” nonsense. It’s really not helpful. You neglect to account for the cost today that will leave OP resentful by the time he magically figures out how to do more of the housework when he’s in his fifties.

What's the alternative? They've tried therapy, some kind of bizarre card game, etc. She writes him notes of appreciation for Pete's sake! It's either acceptance or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait it out my fanny. Are you some doormat SAHM who's congratulating herself on how much crap she put up with for decades? Sorry but allowing yourself to be mistreated ks not a solution, it's a failure.

Um, no, and I'm not sure what your vaginas has to do with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait it out my fanny. Are you some doormat SAHM who's congratulating herself on how much crap she put up with for decades? Sorry but allowing yourself to be mistreated ks not a solution, it's a failure.

Um, no, and I'm not sure what your vaginas has to do with this.

How exactly do you propose to wait out his financial irresponsiblility?

[Anonymous]

Unless he explores the untreated ADHD route nothing is going to change or get better. Accept or move on. He will not change without outside help, because he is not capable to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait it out my fanny. Are you some doormat SAHM who's congratulating herself on how much crap she put up with for decades? Sorry but allowing yourself to be mistreated ks not a solution, it's a failure.

Um, no, and I'm not sure what your vaginas has to do with this.

So your advice is for OP to do all the work herself, allow herself to be treated disrespectfully by a lazy and irresponsible man, let him waste their money, this goes on for decades, and at the end what's the prize? Still being married to a jerk who's slightly better? No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait it out my fanny. Are you some doormat SAHM who's congratulating herself on how much crap she put up with for decades? Sorry but allowing yourself to be mistreated ks not a solution, it's a failure.

Um, no, and I'm not sure what your vaginas has to do with this.

How exactly do you propose to wait out his financial irresponsiblility?

Well it sounds like she is leaving him, so that's a solution.

It's just a reality that after a certain point, you can accept (wait) or divorce and that's really it. She can't insert a chip in his brain to change his behavior.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't seem like he wants to be married or have a family at all.

I have to ask, with his financial problems, will he be able to pay child support?

[Anonymous]

The details of the job sound iffy, but a lot of these millennial lead places do things differently so who knows.

That said being lazy at home does correlate to work success.


He's lazy he's not going to change and start helping at home.
Therapy, ,card games, telling him he sucks at work isn't going to get him to not be lazy.

The only person you can change here is you. Your choices are leave him. Stay and do everything . Stay and outsource more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait it out my fanny. Are you some doormat SAHM who's congratulating herself on how much crap she put up with for decades? Sorry but allowing yourself to be mistreated ks not a solution, it's a failure.

Um, no, and I'm not sure what your vaginas has to do with this.

How exactly do you propose to wait out his financial irresponsiblility?

Well it sounds like she is leaving him, so that's a solution.

It's just a reality that after a certain point, you can accept (wait) or divorce and that's really it. She can't insert a chip in his brain to change his behavior.

No, seriously. Even if I thought "wait" (aka be a doormat and accept his bad treatment) was a good idea, you can't wait out financial problems. She can't start saving for college when the kids are grown FFS. Can't save for retirement when you're too old to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait it out my fanny. Are you some doormat SAHM who's congratulating herself on how much crap she put up with for decades? Sorry but allowing yourself to be mistreated ks not a solution, it's a failure.

Um, no, and I'm not sure what your vaginas has to do with this.

So your advice is for OP to do all the work herself, allow herself to be treated disrespectfully by a lazy and irresponsible man, let him waste their money, this goes on for decades, and at the end what's the prize? Still being married to a jerk who's slightly better? No thanks.

He sounds immature. That tends to improve over time.

Where I'm coming from with this is, I did have a husband that didn't do as much housework as I felt he should and also was irresponsible with money. At some point I decided to stop nagging and just accept the situation. It was not easy and it was not fair. Fast forward about 10 years- he is now a much greater contributor to the household-- does all cooking, shopping, schlepping the kids around, and a non-terrible amount of cleaning. (I still do more cleaning.) And, his income is now extremely high, high enough that he is still able to make silly purchases or lose money in predictable ways and it doesn't impact us at all. I dislike clutter, so I don't love this trait, but it isn't a crisis like it was before. So yes-- people can and often do have a difficult time in the first part of marriage and then go on to have a great marriage.

It sounds like she's done and is leaving him, and that's also a path forward. But this is something that is a fairly common problem in relationships, and if you read the research on it, it does tend to improve with time, and in later life actually flips, with men doing more housework than women in retirement age.