Be honest with your seniors

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. HHI of 300k in the early 2000s and didn’t save a penny. And wouldn’t co-sign for private loans. Found out when I’d already gotten in to my dream school.

Where did you end up? I’m sorry, similar story here. Can’t shake the resentment, years later.

NP here, but this is similar to my story. I was accepted to Brown, ended up going to to UMD, which had awarded me a full scholarship. I have a normal MC life now, so it’s not like UMD plunged me into a life of poverty, but I’m bitter that my parents were so irresponsible and didn’t prioritize my education over designer clothing, vacations, and tithing to our church.

Wow. Entitled much?

You’re angry that your parents have to the church??

I also attempted a state school on a full ride instead of paying for a more ‘prestigious’ college. It worked out fine.

Well, if the parents are rich then the OP has a right to be a bit upset that they didn't save for college. I'd never take fancy vacations or wear designer clothing (that I paid full price for) while I wasn't already saving for my kiddos college. You wont get any aide with that income level, so it is a bit upsetting to see parents not attempting to save when they Easily could have (and it sounds like it would have been easy)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. HHI of 300k in the early 2000s and didn’t save a penny. And wouldn’t co-sign for private loans. Found out when I’d already gotten in to my dream school.

Similar story here. I got admitted to a T20 and was thrilled. Then my dad got sticker shock (having apparently saved nothing and not paid attention to college tuition prices since he attended in the 70s). He first insisted that I work summers and cover all expenses with a summer job, just like he had. I did the math and showed him this was impossible. He then told me that since women just end up SAHMs he didn't believe in investing in helping me get a college education. He said he needed to save his money to make sure he could afford for my younger brother to go to college, as he'd have to support a family (unlike me).

I didn't have a good in state option because he'd chosen to live in a no income tax state and we didn't qualify for financial aid because of his income so the in state school was more than many private options. I ended up at a tier 3 college on full ride. He didn't agree with my decision to attend college so he cut me off financially. I worked three jobs throughout undergrad to afford groceries and clothes and books. No help from him.

Let me be the first (or probably not the first in your life) to agree with you and tell you your dad is an ASS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is attending a private that cost $75k a year. She got significant merit scholarships that have us paying about $40k/year out of pocket.

That’s why.

This exactly. What would be helpful is for parents to look at which schools are known for giving merit aid and then set reasonable expectations with their children. My DC was accepted to a variety of private liberal arts schools. Some schools gave generous amounts of merit aid and others none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. HHI of 300k in the early 2000s and didn’t save a penny. And wouldn’t co-sign for private loans. Found out when I’d already gotten in to my dream school.

Similar story here. I got admitted to a T20 and was thrilled. Then my dad got sticker shock (having apparently saved nothing and not paid attention to college tuition prices since he attended in the 70s). He first insisted that I work summers and cover all expenses with a summer job, just like he had. I did the math and showed him this was impossible. He then told me that since women just end up SAHMs he didn't believe in investing in helping me get a college education. He said he needed to save his money to make sure he could afford for my younger brother to go to college, as he'd have to support a family (unlike me).

I didn't have a good in state option because he'd chosen to live in a no income tax state and we didn't qualify for financial aid because of his income so the in state school was more than many private options. I ended up at a tier 3 college on full ride. He didn't agree with my decision to attend college so he cut me off financially. I worked three jobs throughout undergrad to afford groceries and clothes and books. No help from him.

I am so sorry, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the costs of college have not caught up with most of us. We've been expecting our little darlings to go to private colleges like the ones we attended, not noticing that those colleges are only accessible to the very rich and very poor. The middle class can't go to private colleges. No one making <200K can send a kid to a college that costs $85K per year, even if you've saved for the kid's entire life. We tried, and saved $100k per kid, yet it wasn't enough to keep pace with the insanely skyrocketing price of private college. Even with merit aid, private colleges were not available, financially, to us. DCs went to public colleges, and believe me, not one of them was happy about it because they'd heard about the private colleges (much revered on this board) that DH and I attended. But we're neither wealthy nor poor, so public was our only option. We tried to tell our kids, but they really didn't listen, somehow believing that merit aid would get them to a private college. Or that they'd get into a HYP that would give them enough FA to attend. Neither of those things happened.

My mistake was paying off our mortgage. If we hadn't done that, we might have been eligible for FA. But the colleges saw our (modest) house as a bank account, and hence, no FA for us!

It's really hard to tell your kids you can't afford something you had and they want, OP. I tried, and pretty much failed.

They will be ok and they will likely be grateful once they gain some maturity! You made good choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Told DS that any school that's not HYPSM is going to have to come up with aid to get us "near" the cost of W&M full pay in-state. That's it.

That’s the absolute worst.
You’re telling your kid that it’s Ivy or In state only, which means that you are telling them that you have the money, but if they’re not at the tippy top and have their name chosen out of the magical hat, you don’t find them worthy of the money you would otherwise spend on their education.

This is totally bonkers. I can afford a fancy car for the family but choose to buy a safe, functional car instead. Even if my kids would prefer the nicer car. I can say that I am willing to stretch for schools that may give my daughter a big boost but otherwise, I will pay for good quality in state options. It’s not a question of whether she is “worthy”. She and her brother get all my money at some point anyway. But I will make her think about the value of her choices. Even if she ends up having a ton of money in the future, I want to guide her toward making good financial decisions and college selection is a great place to have that conversation.

Your position of HYPSM or W&M-level is absolutely bonkers if you are being literal, and your car analogy is not on point. Are you saying you have the funds for, but would refuse to pay for, CalTech, Cal, Harvey Mudd, Wharton, University of Chicago, or Cornell regardless of what major your kid chose? That makes zero sense from a return-on-investment standpoint if they opt for a marketable major. What possible reason could you have other than bragging rights?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents didn’t pay a cent for my college. I got a mix of scholarships, grants and loans. I went to grad school entirely on loans.

I don’t think a parent should limit a child.

Almost all 18-year old students are not fully capable of making a well-informed and wise decision about something like college loans that could negatively impact their lives for decades. Study after study has shown that the human brain is not fully developed until a person is well into their 20s. Our job as parents is thus to guide our kids into making good decisions, even if it may sometimes mean vetoing an option, especially when there are plenty of good educational opportunities that are more affordable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is attending a private that cost $75k a year. She got significant merit scholarships that have us paying about $40k/year out of pocket.

That’s why.

Did you know (through Net Price Calculator or other means) that she had a good chance of receiving a significant merit scholarship BEFORE applying to that school? Otherwise - if $40K was your limit - you could have had a very disappointed kid.

Yeah, I think they just wanted to brag about the scholarship.

+1. Note also they didn’t provide the name. That’s because it’s not an elite school. Elite schools don’t have to give large merit awards in order to compose the class they want

And? So what?

My kid got $34K at Oberlin which enabled her to choose it over in-state options. It is not elite but it is what she wanted and we can afford it.

What is your point?

Do you mind sharing whether the 34K was all merit and what year it was? That would be a good number if available to us, but I had heard that 25K was top merit the last year or so.

Yes, all merit. Graduated from high school in 2020.

If your kid has the stats to get into a top 20 university, but doesn’t get admitted to those, they are likely to have quite a few generous offers from lower ranked schools. My 2022 grad was offered $35,000 from several schools ranked in the 50 - 70’s. Not Yale, but very good schools. He could have attended our state flagship for the cost of room and board, and scholarships from other flagships would have brought the cost down at those schools to the $20s.

[b]I’d encourage people to be honest with kids about finances, especially at the very top schools that don’t offer merit aid, but you also don’t know what the answer will be until you try./b]/quote]

Well, if a very top school doesn't offer merit aid, then you DO know the answer will be no, so no point in "trying." Same thing for a school that offers merit aid, but your kid's stats are around the middle of the pack -- unless the CDS shows that almost everyone gets a big discount, you're not going to get significant merit aid, so why bother applying if it's unaffordable otherwise?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do so many UMC parents not just come right out and tell their rising seniors that there is no way in hell that they can afford to send them to schools that cost over $XX,000 dollars?! I have at least 4 friends and family members who for whatever reason didn't save enough to send their children to anything but the most bare bones priced college, but their children who are putting together college lists don't know this because their parents haven't told them.

Is it that the parents themselves are clueless about the actual prices and/or the fact that their incomes will make them ineligible for much financial aid at the public schools?

Is it that they think somehow it will be less painful for little Larlo to learn that he can't attend Vanderbilt or University of Miami at some later date instead of before he submits the application? Are they just willing to screw their family finances and borrow hundreds of thousands $$$$$$?

What gives? These are parents who have asked those of us with students who have gone through the admissions gauntlet of hell in the past couple of years for advice, so don't tell me to MYOB.

Are you sure they haven't? My son was a junior when COVID hit, so I suddenly had a lot of time. I put together a spreadsheet for him of colleges that fit his parameters and one of my columns was whether the school offered merit aid. He totally ignored it and even summer before senior year planned to apply ED to a college that does not offer merit aid. I talked him out of that, but honestly, I don't think it became real to him until he saw the actual numbers from schools that did offer merit aid vs. the measly financial aid offered by his outrageously expensive "first choice." My DS was only interested in small liberal arts colleges, though, which is very different from Vandy or U of Miami.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is attending a private that cost $75k a year. She got significant merit scholarships that have us paying about $40k/year out of pocket.

That’s why.

Did you know (through Net Price Calculator or other means) that she had a good chance of receiving a significant merit scholarship BEFORE applying to that school? Otherwise - if $40K was your limit - you could have had a very disappointed kid.

Yeah, I think they just wanted to brag about the scholarship.

+1. Note also they didn’t provide the name. That’s because it’s not an elite school. Elite schools don’t have to give large merit awards in order to compose the class they want

And? So what?

My kid got $34K at Oberlin which enabled her to choose it over in-state options. It is not elite but it is what she wanted and we can afford it.

What is your point?

Do you mind sharing whether the 34K was all merit and what year it was? That would be a good number if available to us, but I had heard that 25K was top merit the last year or so.

Not PP, but my kids got 34k and 30k in 2020.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. HHI of 300k in the early 2000s and didn’t save a penny. And wouldn’t co-sign for private loans. Found out when I’d already gotten in to my dream school.

Where did you end up? I’m sorry, similar story here. Can’t shake the resentment, years later.

State Flagship U and it wasn’t a UVA or a Berkeley obviously. And yes I’m still bitter.

What was your dream school?

How many siblings do you have?

My dream school was MIT. I had one sibling who was, at the time, in elementary school.

Wow ok yeah that sucks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. HHI of 300k in the early 2000s and didn’t save a penny. And wouldn’t co-sign for private loans. Found out when I’d already gotten in to my dream school.

Similar story here. I got admitted to a T20 and was thrilled. Then my dad got sticker shock (having apparently saved nothing and not paid attention to college tuition prices since he attended in the 70s). He first insisted that I work summers and cover all expenses with a summer job, just like he had. I did the math and showed him this was impossible. He then told me that since women just end up SAHMs he didn't believe in investing in helping me get a college education. He said he needed to save his money to make sure he could afford for my younger brother to go to college, as he'd have to support a family (unlike me).

I didn't have a good in state option because he'd chosen to live in a no income tax state and we didn't qualify for financial aid because of his income so the in state school was more than many private options. I ended up at a tier 3 college on full ride. He didn't agree with my decision to attend college so he cut me off financially. I worked three jobs throughout undergrad to afford groceries and clothes and books. No help from him.

I am so sorry, PP.

Omg hat sucks. What are you doing now? How about your brother and where did he go to school?

[Anonymous]

This happened with my sister and BIL twice. The sister used to be an accountant and the father is still a doctor. Their first child got into UChicago and off of the Duke waitlist but the parents only told her that spring that they wouldn't pay for those schools (they might have stretched it had she gotten into Stanford). She was incredibly distraught despite having an excellent in-state option in UNC since she only found out on April after her acceptances. She ended up taking an impromptu gap year as an au pair in Europe and graduated from UNC last spring. Their second-born, my nephew, was in the same boat and they never shared their conversation with their daughter and the kids attended public boarding schools (a little odd that the siblings didn't discuss it, but they also didn't see much of each other). He got into JHU but had to choose between Oberlin and Case Western (and chose Case). He did take it better than his sister so he must have known, but I still wonder why he was led on by his parents. The third child only applies to in-state and OOS publics and privates with merit aid and ended up at Rhodes.

[Anonymous]

My daughter's best friend from HS went through this two years ago. She applied to some Ivies and other T20s, but her parents wouldn't pay for Georgetown. She had some other good options, but GU has been her dream school, so she found it tough. Her parents were not upfront with her about their finances - she thought that she would actually get financial aid from the T20s but her parents' combined 300k income pushed them over the limit. The older daughter was never so academically inclined, so she went to a regional LAC with some merit and lower tuition, and they never had that conversation with their younger, high-achieving kid.

[Anonymous]

We were upfront with our daughter that she would either attend in-state or OOS public or private with merit and she had her heart set on our in-state schools. She applied early to our in-state flagship and got in and from there, applied to LACs and public colleges that give generous merit aid. She also applied to some private colleges that don't give merit aid because we had toured them and hinted that we would perhaps consider paying for Cornell. In the end, we only considered the schools that she got generous merit aid from. She has always been price-conscious and so was happy that she got into Cornell, Williams, and Carleton but didn't dwell on not going there (the preemptive chats helped with this). We decided to swing a LAC with merit aid and she's very happy there.