Cutting parent of your life

[Anonymous]

I am reaching my breaking point with my mother. I will follow up with more details but the basic background is a woman who was physically and emotionally abusive most of my life. She sat by and did nothing when she found out I was being sexually abused. The second time I was sexually abused I pressed charges on my own and she flat out told me it was my fault. I was a child both times and these were both abuse spanning years. She is manipulative, and a narcissist.

She has re written history in her mind. She moved closer to my husband and I and has increasingly demanded more and more attention. For years I kept the peace bc it's what you do in a Indian family. I'm tired of her. Seeing her, talking to her make me sick. She acts like she was the best mom and she did all this stuff for us. It's all bullshit. I walked out of her apt last week because I was this close to telling her exactly how I feel and imploding this "family".

Something needs to change. We are TTC and she had the nerve to say she always thought she would watch our child because of course I want to continue working. I left, the thought of her even holding my child makes me want to murder her. I have to speak up and that might mean completely abandoning my abusive family. I know it's right and I know I should. I just feel like I've grinned and beared it this long.

[Anonymous]

I think it’ll be easier for you to get pregnant if you settle things with your mother. Before you have a baby it’s good to find your voice and learn to stick up for yourself as an example to your child.

I’m sorry you were so abused. That’s terrible and I believe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am reaching my breaking point with my mother. I will follow up with more details but the basic background is a woman who was physically and emotionally abusive most of my life. She sat by and did nothing when she found out I was being sexually abused. The second time I was sexually abused I pressed charges on my own and she flat out told me it was my fault. I was a child both times and these were both abuse spanning years. She is manipulative, and a narcissist.

She has re written history in her mind. She moved closer to my husband and I and has increasingly demanded more and more attention. For years I kept the peace bc it's what you do in a Indian family. I'm tired of her. Seeing her, talking to her make me sick. She acts like she was the best mom and she did all this stuff for us. It's all bullshit. I walked out of her apt last week because I was this close to telling her exactly how I feel and imploding this "family".

Something needs to change. We are TTC and she had the nerve to say she always thought she would watch our child because of course I want to continue working. I left, the thought of her even holding my child makes me want to murder her. I have to speak up and that might mean completely abandoning my abusive family. I know it's right and I know I should. I just feel like I've grinned and beared it this long.

Girl, I feel you. I grew up in an Asian community and the emotional blackmail and guilt tripping is unhealthy. I also have cut off contact with my mom and I feel great for taking a stand. Just stop taking her calls and don't open the door to her. You need to be unswayed.

[Anonymous]

I cut my mother off. You just have to do it. Make it clear what you're doing make it clear you want to hear nothing from her and change your numbers / emails, even move if you can (I know that's not always possible).

And best of luck with the TTC, I hope that goes well and that's much more important than the rest.

[Anonymous]

OP. I could have written your post word for word. I cut off contact and it’s the best thing I could have done. She took so much from you during your childhood. Be careful you don’t let her ruin your adult experience, too. You owe her nothing.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry, OP. I am from an Indian family and I know this is tough. The guilt will come from all directions, including from within you if you’ve been conditioned like I have been. Your life is more important than what your mom, extended family and friends think.

My heart hurts for you and I will pray for you.

[Anonymous]

I cut off my mother. I did it after my first child was born, but you may as well do it before, to save yourself from the anxiety and to set up for your future family. I hear you on being "done." I felt like that too. I did therapy for a year. That helped. You could do video appointments possibly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am reaching my breaking point with my mother. I will follow up with more details but the basic background is a woman who was physically and emotionally abusive most of my life. She sat by and did nothing when she found out I was being sexually abused. The second time I was sexually abused I pressed charges on my own and she flat out told me it was my fault. I was a child both times and these were both abuse spanning years. She is manipulative, and a narcissist.

She has re written history in her mind. She moved closer to my husband and I and has increasingly demanded more and more attention. For years I kept the peace bc it's what you do in a Indian family. I'm tired of her. Seeing her, talking to her make me sick. She acts like she was the best mom and she did all this stuff for us. It's all bullshit. I walked out of her apt last week because I was this close to telling her exactly how I feel and imploding this "family".

Something needs to change. We are TTC and she had the nerve to say she always thought she would watch our child because of course I want to continue working. I left, the thought of her even holding my child makes me want to murder her. I have to speak up and that might mean completely abandoning my abusive family. I know it's right and I know I should. I just feel like I've grinned and beared it this long.

Girl, I feel you. I grew up in an Asian community and the emotional blackmail and guilt tripping is unhealthy. I also have cut off contact with my mom and I feel great for taking a stand. Just stop taking her calls and don't open the door to her. You need to be unswayed.

This! I’m a Latina who cut off contact.

We’re raised to take the abuse, perceive it as “normal” and pass it forward, but it’s unhealthy and needs to evolve. I wish more people from “family cultures” would do it.

[Anonymous]

Please cut off contact now. Tell her why and then seek therapy to help you. Have your husband help you to move away from her. Start planning now to move, start looking for jobs even in this difficult pandemic. It will give you something to look forward to. Just dream as to how beautiful you life will be living far away with your husband and a child. You can give your child the beautiful life you never had. Do not wait, make this dream happen. You deserve the best.

[Anonymous]

Have you seen a therapist? There is a lot to untangle and lots of established patterns. It would be good to talk to someone about cutting her off (as this may not be a one and done kind of thing). Also good to work through this before you have your own baby. I found having children increased - not decreased- my anger towards my mother. (Another Indian here).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you seen a therapist? There is a lot to untangle and lots of established patterns. It would be good to talk to someone about cutting her off (as this may not be a one and done kind of thing). Also good to work through this before you have your own baby. I found having children increased - not decreased- my anger towards my mother. (Another Indian here).

+1

When you actually parent your children it makes you realize how messed up your own abusive family environment was on a greater level. My anger and disbelief was magnified ten fold.

[Anonymous]

Some things you can and should let go and some things are big enough that you need to cut off people. OP, this is one of those toxic situations where you need to cut off your mom. It sounds like you probably should cut off your entire family. These situations never go away especially when nobody is acknowledging the dysfunction.

You're smart to face this head-on and do something about it now, while you're young. Don't let your mother anywhere near your child. I would move to the other side of town to get away from her.

[Anonymous]

OP, my mother is the same way and an awful person. I am sorry you feel like you should keep trying, but take it from me end it. Its a cycle and it will drown you. I made a decision before my first child that I was not going to expose them to the toxicity of her and its been the greatest moment of my life. this was 4 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Your mother abused you and refused to protect you. She wasn’t a mother to you. When I made the decision to cut ties with my abusive mother, I did it with the help of a therapist. I think one of the most important parts of the process was allowing myself to grieve for the mother I never had. Every child deserves a mother who loves and protects them. You deserved that, and you will be that mother to your child. But give yourself permission to grieve not having that kind of mother love in your own childhood. Cutting a parent out of your life is a grieving process, not a decision that any of us motherless daughters take out of simple anger.

[Anonymous]

Op, I see you. I suffered years of significant emotional abuse and emotional/physical neglect at the hands of my mom, who has Borderline Personality Disorder. I ended contact 17 months ago, when she once again denied a sexual assault I survived in college. (This was the third time she tried to pretend she didn’t know.)

Ending this relationship is really hard, especially as you embark on parenthood yourself. I strongly recommend working with a seasoned therapist to process your grief and plan for the day you have to explain to your kids. My mother ended her relationship with her own mother (also BPD) and for years it contributed to my struggle with her.

You are doing a hard, brave thing. Being prepared for the complex feelings you’ll have as a mother—especially as you provide your own children the love and support you didn’t have, can be really complicated. Having someone to lean on and help—including with your partner—is incredibly valuable. Especially because people may come out of the woodwork to push you to reconcile—even those who know your history. You can stay strong and resilient in the face of this, but professional help is worth its weight in gold.

I am pulling for you. We motherless daughters are more common than you think, but too often invisible to one another. Wishing you much peace and strength.