Mom friend drama

[Anonymous]

We joined our school in September 2018 and one of the self appointed class parents who’s been in the school for a long time with older kids really took a shine to me. She invited me to lots of events with the ‘cool clique’ moms which was nice of her. Given other time constraints along with a lack of interest generally in the moms I was always friendly but stayed on the periphery.

By September 2019 the mom had started distancing me to the point that it was really obvious, as other moms in the clique were doing the same thing and stopped responding if I reached out to set up a play date or get together for DD. I found all of this confusing in particular because the first mom is always super friendly to my face but another mom has actually told me that she trash talks me a lot and tries to encourage people not to be friends with me.

I’m a FT WOHM with young kids so I have very little time or interest in this generally but now our class is forming pods for fall and I’m not sure how to get involved. It seems that it’s all based on the mom versus student relationships but I want my DD to be with her friends.

Any thoughts on how to handle?

[Anonymous]

What are your options? Try to reach out to families not under her sway to pod with. You wouldn’t want to be in a pod like that anyway.

[Anonymous]

You do not want to be in a pod with these people

[Anonymous]

Do not get involved with this. I assume you have a very little kid -- this will pass.

Do you have a class email list from previous years that you can start a thread with about distance learning? That would be a good way to begin a conversation and identify like-minded parents...I find that basing these things on social relationships and friendly mom friends is worthless as time goes by.

For every year since probably 3rd, parents would somehow find the one teacher who sent an email without bcc:ing (or some parent would cobble together a list) and then boom -- you'd soon have every email for your child's cohort at your fingertips. Or if you're lucky, you have this from old room parent emails.

I'd initiate a "This is hard -- does anyone want to share ideas or have a Zoom meeting" sort of email.

[Anonymous]

ick posts like this make me nervous for DC to start ES

can't believe cliques are still a thing as 30-40 year old women!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are your options? Try to reach out to families not under her sway to pod with. You wouldn’t want to be in a pod like that anyway.

OP yes it’s just hard to navigate because these moms are hot and cold, also two faced. I don’t know where I stand with any of them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do not want to be in a pod with these people

OP yes agreed but I do want DD to be with some of her friends and she’s very social

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not get involved with this. I assume you have a very little kid -- this will pass.

Do you have a class email list from previous years that you can start a thread with about distance learning? That would be a good way to begin a conversation and identify like-minded parents...I find that basing these things on social relationships and friendly mom friends is worthless as time goes by.

For every year since probably 3rd, parents would somehow find the one teacher who sent an email without bcc:ing (or some parent would cobble together a list) and then boom -- you'd soon have every email for your child's cohort at your fingertips. Or if you're lucky, you have this from old room parent emails.

I'd initiate a "This is hard -- does anyone want to share ideas or have a Zoom meeting" sort of email.

OP thanks yes our oldest is going into 2nd grade this year

I actually have the contact info from our family directory but I can’t tell where we stand with most of the people we already know. Some had a pod in the spring already and will likely continue, it’s driven by the moms not the kids. I just want my DD to have a few friends for the next school year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not get involved with this. I assume you have a very little kid -- this will pass.

Do you have a class email list from previous years that you can start a thread with about distance learning? That would be a good way to begin a conversation and identify like-minded parents...I find that basing these things on social relationships and friendly mom friends is worthless as time goes by.

For every year since probably 3rd, parents would somehow find the one teacher who sent an email without bcc:ing (or some parent would cobble together a list) and then boom -- you'd soon have every email for your child's cohort at your fingertips. Or if you're lucky, you have this from old room parent emails.

I'd initiate a "This is hard -- does anyone want to share ideas or have a Zoom meeting" sort of email.

OP thanks yes our oldest is going into 2nd grade this year

I actually have the contact info from our family directory but I can’t tell where we stand with most of the people we already know. Some had a pod in the spring already and will likely continue, it’s driven by the moms not the kids. I just want my DD to have a few friends for the next school year

Reach out to the families closest to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ick posts like this make me nervous for DC to start ES

can't believe cliques are still a thing as 30-40 year old women!

Same and same.

My personal experience is that women are worse about this stuff as they get into their 30s and 40s, and that kids exacerbate it. I think it's easier for women to get along when they are younger and the socializing happens at school or in public places like bars, or at big house parties. But the older you get, the harder it is to make friends and the harder it gets to see the friends you have. I think this leads to a scarce resource problem that some women exploit by trying to control friend groups and using ostracism and gossip to monopolize friends. It's awful. But I've learned that the best way to deal with someone like this is to just give them a very wide berth and trust that you can and will find better people elsewhere. Trying to beat the system they set up and control just makes them fight you harder and you'll never get what you want, which is for everyone to just act like a reasonable grown-up.

This will be a weird year for everyone. Your daughter will be fine, OP. You will find a way to get her what she needs, and you don't have to subject yourself to petty personal politics to get it. The last thing your daughter needs is for you to sacrifice yourself to this weird clique to try and make her happy. Teach her that weird cliques are dumb and best left to their own devices!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are your options? Try to reach out to families not under her sway to pod with. You wouldn’t want to be in a pod like that anyway.

OP yes it’s just hard to navigate because these moms are hot and cold, also two faced. I don’t know where I stand with any of them

Sure you do, you just don't like the answer. People who are hot and cold with you don't like you. Find some other people to make your pod or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ick posts like this make me nervous for DC to start ES

can't believe cliques are still a thing as 30-40 year old women!

OP
my advice is to make friends very slowly
Be friendly to everyone but don’t get dragged into any cliques
The first person to befriend you is usually nuts 😂

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ick posts like this make me nervous for DC to start ES

can't believe cliques are still a thing as 30-40 year old women!

Same and same.

My personal experience is that women are worse about this stuff as they get into their 30s and 40s, and that kids exacerbate it. I think it's easier for women to get along when they are younger and the socializing happens at school or in public places like bars, or at big house parties. But the older you get, the harder it is to make friends and the harder it gets to see the friends you have. I think this leads to a scarce resource problem that some women exploit by trying to control friend groups and using ostracism and gossip to monopolize friends. It's awful. But I've learned that the best way to deal with someone like this is to just give them a very wide berth and trust that you can and will find better people elsewhere. Trying to beat the system they set up and control just makes them fight you harder and you'll never get what you want, which is for everyone to just act like a reasonable grown-up.

This will be a weird year for everyone. Your daughter will be fine, OP. You will find a way to get her what she needs, and you don't have to subject yourself to petty personal politics to get it. The last thing your daughter needs is for you to sacrifice yourself to this weird clique to try and make her happy. Teach her that weird cliques are dumb and best left to their own devices!

OP
I totally agree with this though I hadn’t really thought it through
There’s this ‘grab’ of friends deemed worthy but then if you don’t perform or comply you’re all of a sudden ostracized
My advice to moms navigating this for the first time is to go slowly and stay on the periphery as long as possible
One good friend is better than several bad ones
Most of the moms at our school seem unhappy and insecure

[Anonymous]

OP I had to read this twice to make sure I hadn’t written it and forgotten about it. Same experience, same situation here. I have decided f it. The pods and missing out are not worth it to me to try and align myself with these overgrown sorority girls. If anything, lockdown and the current state of the world has shown me how much I don’t care about such petty nonsense: My DS will be okay. So will yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I had to read this twice to make sure I hadn’t written it and forgotten about it. Same experience, same situation here. I have decided f it. The pods and missing out are not worth it to me to try and align myself with these overgrown sorority girls. If anything, lockdown and the current state of the world has shown me how much I don’t care about such petty nonsense: My DS will be okay. So will yours.

Ah hugs to you. It’s sad that these women act this way and raise kids to be like this too.
But I agree with you that we’re better off on the sidelines.

One reason I was slow to engage in the first year was because I couldn’t keep all the dynamics straight, someone was always on the outs and it was uncomfortable for me as I don’t like to get involved