Disengaging from sibling, when older

[Anonymous]

I have a sister who is mean, manipulative and has done some incredibly vicious and hurtful things to our extended family. After decades of hoping she'd mellow out and change, she is now in her 60s and seems to be getting worse. She always has to have someone who is her "target" and this year it's become my turn - again.

But this time it is different for me because I've decided that I'm not going to play into it anymore, and I've come to peace that if I never see her again it's OK with me. In the meantime, she is making it difficult for other siblings and family members because she turns it into a "me against her" kind of thing, which is difficult to deal with. (I know because I've also been in the middle when she's done this with others and she is VERY nasty in the things she says about people - to include their spouses and children. Anything and everything in people's lives is open to her vitriol.)

The most difficult part is trying to navigate this with the rest of the family because it is so damaging to us all. The best I can do is avoid even mentioning her name in conversation or change the subject when something about her comes up.

Wondering if anyone else has been in this position - especially at this stage of life - and how you've dealt with it. You would think that after doing this dance her whole life, my sister would have tired of it by now and gained some introspection about her behavior but if anything, she's worse than ever. Which to me shows that she will never change, she is an evil person and my life is better without her in it.

Warning to those who think that nasty people (even siblings) can change with time...

[Anonymous]

Your strategy to avoid, not engage, and try to refocus on the areas away from her, seems sound and mature. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your strategy to avoid, not engage, and try to refocus on the areas away from her, seems sound and mature. Good luck.

Agree with pp. The only thing I would add is that your sibling sounds mentally ill. Maybe if you can frame it that way it will be even easier to accept that she won't change. But overall sounds like you're doing the right thing already!

[Anonymous]

Do we have the same sister? Mine is in her 50s. I am not sure she has gotten worse with age, she just needs people more and is livid when you are verbally and emotionally abusive, you lose any sibling support.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. You need strong boundaries. From what I understand criticism and fear of abandonment (i.e. criticism) can be a trigger.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 50's and my sister is in her 40's and I empathize w/ your post OP. In my case I am drawing new (long overdue) boundaries to protect myself and my family from her alcoholism and the decades of family dysfunction that grew up w/ and have turned out to be perpetuating.

I've been in therapy for 2 years and it is the only reason I'm finding my way. Among the things my therapist has said to me that have been profoundly helpful are:
- a quote (which I will butcher for sure) about how if you want something to change, just observe it. Don't try to force anything, or control what is beyond your control, just observe what is happening and how you are responding to it. The more conscious you are in those moments the more able you will be to manage your experience of them.
- the simple act of you changing how you respond will have ripple effects throughout your family system. They might be tiny ripples, and slow to reach the shore, but there will be effects.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to all for your comments, insights and suggestions.

Like others, I think when you've grown up with a sibling and spent a lifetime of "that's just how they are" kind of philosophy in the family, it really does hit you at some point that this person, sibling or not, is probably damaged beyond help and will continue to suck the life out of people any chance they get.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my late 40's and my sister is 10 years older. I dropped my sister about 10 years ago because of behavior similar to what you've described. Members of my family always think I'm the bad guy until she turns on them. It took some time for them to stop asking why I won't call her or apologize (for what? Boundaries?) but it's rare anyone asks anymore.

It's so much better without the crazy in my life. I still occasionally see her, and am cordial but distant, but for about 5-6 years it was a clean break with no contact AT ALL.

[Anonymous]

I came from big family and haven’t spoken to my one sibling for about 4 years. As she was the oldest, she felt resentful toward all of other siblings. She made bad financial decisions and blamed all of us and that’s how she cut us from her life. After she left us I thought I will be in better relationship with the us. It got actually worst. There’s always he said she said and finger pointing to each other. Now I haven’t spoken to all of my siblings. I keep in touch with 2 siblings only now. I felt like I need to break the cycle and remove myself from this chaos. Often I feel sad and disappointed with that whole situation

[Anonymous]

1. Your sister has a mental health disorder. Usually these things get worse with age.

2. What you're doing is excellent.

3. As for relatives, again, keep avoiding discussing her. If you absolutely must, just commiserate with them if she's giving them a hard time, say that you're in her crosshairs these days, and that things are not likely to get better.

[Anonymous]

I relate so much to this. In our case, it's amazing how my sister can make herself out to be the victim. I am the mean sister for detaching. Her significant other relationships have gone up in flames ending with war and her relationship with her kids is strained. She is very successful in her career though so people assume she cannot be that deranged if she has achieved that level of success. Part of how she achieved that level is she will gladly take credit for other people's work or fail to give credit and because she is so intelligent and capable, all the people who have complained about her arrogance and nastiness along the way have been pushed aside since her expertise is needed.

My rule is that I am respectful, but distant if I have to see her. I don't get drawn into her jabs.I physically remove myself from those situations right away. I don't respond to any attempts at correspondent when not forced to see her a family gathering. Anytime she calls, emails or texts it is because she wants something.

[Anonymous]

Similar sibling. I did tons of therapy. Tons of reading. Tried different approaches. Guess what, you can't have a relationship with a mentally ill person determined to hurt you and determined to terrorize/humiliate you. Took me a long time to learn that. I had to totally estrange myself from her. Number blocked on my phone and everything. It's sad, it's a shame, but there was no safe alternative for me. Emphasis on the word safe.

[Anonymous]

Blame and victimhood are common with BPD and NPD. DailyOM has some short courses/info sessions that may help you find a way to have boundaries and feel good about how you’re approaching this. They only cost $15 which is a helluva lot cheaper than therapy, which would be my next recommendation.

[Anonymous]

Gray Rock her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a sister who is mean, manipulative and has done some incredibly vicious and hurtful things to our extended family. After decades of hoping she'd mellow out and change, she is now in her 60s and seems to be getting worse. She always has to have someone who is her "target" and this year it's become my turn - again.

But this time it is different for me because I've decided that I'm not going to play into it anymore, and I've come to peace that if I never see her again it's OK with me. In the meantime, she is making it difficult for other siblings and family members because she turns it into a "me against her" kind of thing, which is difficult to deal with. (I know because I've also been in the middle when she's done this with others and she is VERY nasty in the things she says about people - to include their spouses and children. Anything and everything in people's lives is open to her vitriol.)

The most difficult part is trying to navigate this with the rest of the family because it is so damaging to us all. The best I can do is avoid even mentioning her name in conversation or change the subject when something about her comes up.

Wondering if anyone else has been in this position - especially at this stage of life - and how you've dealt with it. You would think that after doing this dance her whole life, my sister would have tired of it by now and gained some introspection about her behavior but if anything, she's worse than ever. Which to me shows that she will never change, she is an evil person and my life is better without her in it.

Warning to those who think that nasty people (even siblings) can change with time...

My sister is her most manipulative and crazy when unhappy and despite her achievements, she is a very unhappy and lonely person. My parents got feedback on her antisocial, condescending, arrogant and alienating behavior throughout her life from elders, teachers, etc and they chose to shoot the messenger. When my brother and I became her targets they saw her as the victim excluded by her siblings. My brother has since passed away and now I swear the fact I am happily married and have a good relationship with my kids makes her want to destroy me the way she tried to destroy her ex. She used to use her kids as paws to get closer to us. She had throw fits to grandma about missing their cousins which made grandma throw fits at us. Now her kids hate her and the cousins I think will become closer when they are adults.She has absolutely become worse and worse with age except for when she hits rock bottom and goes on antidepressants. I can have a relationship with her when she is medicated. Our extended family gets dragged in and until they are burned they see her as the victim. She is estranged from one side because she got too close and comfortable and she used them and started dramas with their spouses. The other side embraces her as a victim and gets sucked in.

I have faced much backlash from detatching, but it has kept me from sane. She finally did something horrible enough that it convinced me, my husband an kids we are totally done.