Disengaging from sibling, when older
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| Ignore, keep your distance, do not engage, do not discuss her with anyone. Make believe she does not exist. No contact. If you do see her, be polite and move on. Refuse to listen to any family stories about her. Eventually she will not even be on your radar scree. Lived through years of abuse from sister; then, I did all of above and it was done. I am so happy now. I did not deserve this treatment and waited too long to take care of me! |
Anonymous
Not op, but it is refreshing to hear this all worked for you and you are happy now! OP, I already posted, but I did want to say you are lucky she has screwed other people so they get it. In my case, she mostly targets me. She did alienate herself from some cousins who were kind to her and her ex knows the full extent of her crazy and abusive side. Otherwise most family just pity her, see her as maybe a little difficult, but well meaning, lonely and innocent. So that makes me the mean one for detaching. "Can't you just be more tolerant of your sister????" My tactic has been to be polite and stay calm when she tries to push buttons. I will no longer discuss her with others because anything she has done over the years is minimized and excused as "buuuuut she's your sister." Also, there is the fear if I peace out, who will help her when needed. She is estranged from her ex. Her relationship with her kids is strained. She does not have close friends. She is quite successful, but that can't buy you people to be there for emergencies. She has health issues and does nothing about it, so at some point there will be a health emergency and the shit will hit the fan. I have already been there for our parents, my spouse had health issues, one child had medical issues and I am there for close friends. I will not be flying out to help an abuser, but you better believe my phone will ring off the hook will messages of guilt and cruelty for not jumping. |
Anonymous
|
OP - what matters most is: What precisedly is being asked of you? What action, exactly, do you have to do that you don't want to do? Visit? Call? Do it far less often. Much less often.
I don't really understand -what- the problem is You decline most invitations, but once in awhile spend short amounts of time together, as long as you empower yourself to decide -when- and -for how long- |
Anonymous
|
Crazy Brother yes Bat sh crazy. Ruined his wife and child. Basically controlling narcissistic horrible human.
Cut him off about ten years ago. Which meant a rift in our family. Four siblings three girls two do not talk to the brother. Not worth keeping him in our lives. He’s untrustworthy and a complete worthless human. Gets disability when he can clearly work. He’s in his fifties and I have zero desire to fix the relationship. |
Anonymous
OP here - glad to hear it can work out, too. I honestly don't miss having her in my life. I must admit there is definitely a feeling of absence but as time goes on, what is so enlightening to me is that the "absence" is not of her - it is the absence of her drama, her nastiness and manipulative intentions. In cases like this, absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes it grow healthier and stronger! |
Anonymous
|
Sounds like you are on the right track. When I was in my late 30s/early 40s I came to the realization I had to set solid boundaries with my nutty sister (likely BPD). It took me a few more years, and with therapy I realized I needed to do the same with our mother. It's sad, and difficult, and continues to be so 15 years later. But me and my little family is much better for it.
Much of society will not understand and will expect you to have a better relationship, just because that is what is expected. You will likely have to deal with that too. On the plus side, if you learn about all of this, you get great insights into why/how we all treat each other the way we do, and you will become a better parent/boss/co-worker/friend. |