If your relationship is/was rocky, how did you decide to go?

[Anonymous]

I can never claim our relationship was ever smooth sailing; we've always had some difficulties and tumult, but for one reason or another, kept pushing through. But after 11 years, I'm tired and it's really taken a toll on my mental health. Last weekend we had yet another Serious Talk about splitting, agreed the passion and romantic love seem to be gone, and fought some more about the same old things (my take: nothing is ever good enough, I can never be good enough; his take: I'm detached, I don't "dream" and I'm overly focused on other things besides him, including work). We have two kids and a baseline separation agreement (custody schedule, child support).

And then, like a thousand times before, the cycle restarted. The next day he sort of acted like the conversation never happened. Things have been calm.

In my heart of hearts, I know this is a perpetual cycle and things will sour again soon. I know I'd probably be a better parent if I wasn't so sad and irritable from the constant emotional chafing. But I also know it will inevitably be extraordinarily difficult to undergo the upheaval of moving out and starting over on my own -- to say nothing of inflicting a split on the kids. I can support myself; I won't be rolling in the dough but I can pay the bills and save a little. If I'm just trading one set of problems for another, what's the point?

If you decided enough was enough...how did you do it, even if things were "fine" for the time being? I guess I'm afraid of securing my new place only to be met with "I thought we got past that, why are you turning everything upside down now?" I know deep down we aren't getting past anything, especially not without therapy (which he's refused) and not without both of us taking accountability and identifying steps toward changing the dynamic (everything is "my fault" so this is not really possible either). It's just so hard to be the one responsible for burning it all down.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry that you are going through this. I can imagine how difficult it is to admit you are in this place, especially with two children. Just curious, did something major happen in your relationship or did you just drift apart?

[Anonymous]

If he isn't willing to try therapy then there is nothing much you can do. Being caught in the cycle you are in is not good for anyone, including your kids. I would ask him one more time re: therapy, and then say you are ready to talk to a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

If you think adding a divorce to the mix, while we're going through a pandemic and economic meltdown, will somehow make your life better, you are nuts.

Be glad you have each other. Look at what's working in your marriage. Divorce is one of the hardest and most stressful things you can live through. Do you really want to go through that now, during a pandemic?

[Anonymous]

I'm confused about what is happening: You both acknowledge you aren't happy together and have already worked out some of the details of splitting up, but then your husband acts like that never happened and everything is fine? Or he is just maintaining the status quo in front of the kids, but still expects to split up. Either way, it sounds like you have to explicitly ask him if he wants to divorce and proceed from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that you are going through this. I can imagine how difficult it is to admit you are in this place, especially with two children. Just curious, did something major happen in your relationship or did you just drift apart?

Thank you. I wouldn't say anything major happened in our relationship -- certainly not in his eyes, anyway. We had a particularly nasty fight a couple months ago and I think that just really sealed the deal for me that there was no way this is going to work out. We've "moved on," but I think about it a lot still. It was traumatic. I doubt he even thinks about it and he definitely doesn't acknowledge any trauma or major event. If you were to ask him, though, he would say that I've turned into a workaholic who's unable to set boundaries. (This is true, to a degree. The constant WFH combined with total social isolation has created a dynamic where I'm pouring more of myself into work and it's the only aspect of my life where I'm talking to other adults outside of my family.)

Anonymous wrote:I'm confused about what is happening: You both acknowledge you aren't happy together and have already worked out some of the details of splitting up, but then your husband acts like that never happened and everything is fine? Or he is just maintaining the status quo in front of the kids, but still expects to split up. Either way, it sounds like you have to explicitly ask him if he wants to divorce and proceed from there.

The former. He's more outspoken about his unhappiness and uses it as an excuse to be a jerk and behave in ways I wouldn't dream of. But when he brings it up, I don't disagree with him. Sometimes I feel relieved but mostly I just feel scared and alone and overwhelmed. I do need to ask him outright, when we aren't fighting. I just hate starting another fight or creating more conflict. I know how crazy it sounds. When I type it out, it's like when your therapist asks what you would say to a friend who was describing the same scenario -- "are you crazy?! RUN!" But living it day to day kind of normalizes some really toxic stuff.

[Anonymous]

That shit is draining. Uncertainty. Pushed thru it and got to be allies in the war on our collective sanity instead of enemies battling for our individual peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

Are you in individual therapy? I’d start there.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m in a very similar situation as you. I have the same thoughts as you and I’m drained. While we haven’t seriously talked about separation and outlined anything, we do the same cycle over and over that leaves me wanting separation. But the logistics would be huge, and I don’t want to put my kids through it.

Part of me keeps hoping he’ll give me a “good” reason to separate. An affair, or something major. Then it would be cut and dry.

I’m sorry I have no advice, but your post stuck out to me since I’m in the same boat. Best wishes to you.

[Anonymous]

Same here OP... no advice

[Anonymous]

Op, go see a therapist for yourself if DH won’t go. And ask your DH to go, too - by himself if he won’t do couples therapy. Even if it doesn’t work out for the two of you, hopefully you will be ina better place if you do separate.

I’m married to someone who is previously divorced with kids, and you are spot on that you are trading one set of problems for another. Sometimes it’s still the right decision, but if you have kids you will ALWAYS be tied to him, and if your kids are still young you will need to be able to cooperate and collaborate on decisions for your kids. You get to walk away from a romantic relationship with him but (ideally) would still have a good working relationship. If your working relationship sucks, figure that out befor you divorce - you each have even less incentive to get along once you do divorce.

Honestly, seeing my DH and my DSC makes me double down on making my marriage work. It’s tough to share custody.

That being said, it takes 2 to make a marriage work, and if your DH isn’t willing to work in things (you need to, too) then you have really already made a decision, you just haven’t filed the paperwork.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you think adding a divorce to the mix, while we're going through a pandemic and economic meltdown, will somehow make your life better, you are nuts.

Be glad you have each other. Look at what's working in your marriage. Divorce is one of the hardest and most stressful things you can live through. Do you really want to go through that now, during a pandemic?

NP. Speak for yourself. Enduring my miserable marriage was 100 times worse than getting a divorce. And mine was finalized during this pandemic. Still better than that horrible marriage.

[Anonymous]

For me, I realized that I was having the same fight over and over. And I realized that I did not want to spend any more of my life doing this.

[Anonymous]

Why wouldn’t you give therapy a try? It might bring clarity to your situation. You seem to be stuck.

[Anonymous]

And then, like a thousand times before, the cycle restarted. The next day he sort of acted like the conversation never happened. Things have been calm.

So what. Are you waiting for him to initiate the divorce? If you don't want to stay married, do something about it.