Previous friend is causing me a ton of anxiety

[Anonymous]

I have a friendship that fell apart a few months ago. My friend did something that I couldn’t move past. She’s really controlling and something about her is making me very uneasy. This sounds ridiculous but I am pretty much terrified of her. I feel like I have a target on my back and she will do everything in her power to ruin me, whether it is lying, gossiping or going to great lengths to turn mutual friends against me. I’m so unsettled by all this. I’ve always been a very good friend to her. I know I don’t want this person in my life but I can’t figure out how to best handle her so she stops being aggressive towards me and targets someone else. She has a history of doing this to one person at a time and generally moves on after about 6-12m. I don’t think she has any power to actually turn my friends against me, I am just so uncomfortable with the ill intentions.

[Anonymous]

Never mention the friend to anyone again. If a mutual friend brings her up only say that you haven't been in touch but hope she and her family are doing well. I would not tell anyone other than my husband that we had fallen out. If a friend repeated negative things she was saying about me I would say, 'Goodness, what a misunderstanding! I have to reach out and straighten this up' and then I never would make contact. People will forget.

[Anonymous]

I understand why you feel all this anxiety. You are a decent person and can't understand how someone could behave in such a despicable manner. It repels you as it should. Once someone shows you who they are - that's who they are. So you deserve credit for recognizing it for what it is and accepting it and being very upset by it. Don't ignore your instincts and ability to judge this person's character. Please stay away from this dangerous person. With friends like this, you don't need enemies. Break off this relationship before something else happens - to you this time.

You are right- people like this don't stop. They just find the next victim. Make sure it is not you.

Nothing is wrong, you are just very busy. Seem like you would be interested in getting together, yes, its a maybe, but something always comes up and oh no can't make it. Quietly get out of it. She will eventually get the message.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never mention the friend to anyone again. If a mutual friend brings her up only say that you haven't been in touch but hope she and her family are doing well. I would not tell anyone other than my husband that we had fallen out. If a friend repeated negative things she was saying about me I would say, 'Goodness, what a misunderstanding! I have to reach out and straighten this up' and then I never would make contact. People will forget.

^^Good advice.

[Anonymous]

She is a very insecure person. Somehow, you need to rise above it, do not gossip about her and if you are in the same room as her, say “hello” and move on.

[Anonymous]

Document and call the police and get a restraining order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never mention the friend to anyone again. If a mutual friend brings her up only say that you haven't been in touch but hope she and her family are doing well. I would not tell anyone other than my husband that we had fallen out. If a friend repeated negative things she was saying about me I would say, 'Goodness, what a misunderstanding! I have to reach out and straighten this up' and then I never would make contact. People will forget.

^^Good advice.

I agree - this is excellent advice. The basis of this is - do not escalate or provoke and by ignoring it and not referencing it you're dampening it down, you're not reacting. This is absolutely the best thing you can do. Its not easy but you can do it.

And by doing this, by removing yourself from the situation you are actually the one in the position of power, not her. I also agree that if she does escalate her behavior (unprovoked by you) keep an account of it, for your own safety to report at a later stage, but only if necessary.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it can be devastating but remember - like all things, this too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

OP is this person actually doing anything or are you just paranoid? I see no examples in your post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friendship that fell apart a few months ago. My friend did something that I couldn’t move past. She’s really controlling and something about her is making me very uneasy. This sounds ridiculous but I am pretty much terrified of her. I feel like I have a target on my back and she will do everything in her power to ruin me, whether it is lying, gossiping or going to great lengths to turn mutual friends against me. I’m so unsettled by all this. I’ve always been a very good friend to her. I know I don’t want this person in my life but I can’t figure out how to best handle her so she stops being aggressive towards me and targets someone else. She has a history of doing this to one person at a time and generally moves on after about 6-12m. I don’t think she has any power to actually turn my friends against me, I am just so uncomfortable with the ill intentions.

Which is it OP -- do you have the vague worry that she may do something or do you want to know how to stop her from something she is already doing? I agree with PPs that your post sounds shady.

However, in case you are legit or for anyone else in this situation, yes, some people will seek revenge when you try to stop a relationship with them. They are sick. They have borderline personality disorder, which kicks in and makes them feel threatened at the mere whiff of abandonment. They will try to destroy you in all the ways you mentioned plus some. You can't do anything about it, but you may want to mention to people that you had a falling out, so they will be aware -- otherwise they will believe what they're told by your ex friend and won't give you the chance to tell your side of the story. Protect your job and romantic relationships in this way, too.

People like this are sick. Unfortunately they are also dangerous and can cause a lot of damage to others.

[Anonymous]

Why are you still interacting with her at all? You can block her on social media and texts and phone. If you see her in person ... (Unlikely? Covid?) you can just walk the f away. Easy. You are inviting drama into your life thinking that you have to "deal" with this. You don't.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like she does have some sort of dirt on you that you are worried about coming out, and it also sounds like you’re worried she does have the potential to “turn” mutual friends — a sign that they aren’t actually the friends you hope they are.

[Anonymous]

You want her to target someone else?! You... are not a decent person, as PP has said. Like attracts like. Cut her off and look deep within yourself to see why you allowed a person like this in your life, knowing she treats other people extremely badly. When someone shows you who they are, believe them - if they mistreat others, this is an indication of their character and the behaviors will eventually be directed towards you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never mention the friend to anyone again. If a mutual friend brings her up only say that you haven't been in touch but hope she and her family are doing well. I would not tell anyone other than my husband that we had fallen out. If a friend repeated negative things she was saying about me I would say, 'Goodness, what a misunderstanding! I have to reach out and straighten this up' and then I never would make contact. People will forget.

^^Good advice.

I agree - this is excellent advice. The basis of this is - do not escalate or provoke and by ignoring it and not referencing it you're dampening it down, you're not reacting. This is absolutely the best thing you can do. Its not easy but you can do it.

And by doing this, by removing yourself from the situation you are actually the one in the position of power, not her. I also agree that if she does escalate her behavior (unprovoked by you) keep an account of it, for your own safety to report at a later stage, but only if necessary.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it can be devastating but remember - like all things, this too shall pass.

You obviously have no experience with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want her to target someone else?! You... are not a decent person, as PP has said. Like attracts like. Cut her off and look deep within yourself to see why you allowed a person like this in your life, knowing she treats other people extremely badly. When someone shows you who they are, believe them - if they mistreat others, this is an indication of their character and the behaviors will eventually be directed towards you.

+ 1000

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you perceive her to be very powerful. Bit really, how could she actually “ruin” you? What concrete things is she doing, or threatening to do? Your post has an edge of paranoia, but maybe that’s because we don’t have enough context.