Previous friend is causing me a ton of anxiety

[Anonymous]

I know someone just like this. She seems to have endless energy for this stuff too, and likes to be in control of organizing social events as long as she decides who’s in and who’s out , like bad middle school drama.

[Anonymous]

I had a toxic person in my life so I did a slow fade.

Pretend to be busy. Don't dump her abruptly, and if there's a mutual friend only say good things about her if her name comes up. And yes mention how busy you've been.

If she's that bad OP you may have to dump a few mutual friends so she doesn't know your business. Make your social media bland, or get off of it. Worse case do what my relative did. Start a new account and add only select friends.

Similar to a bad ex. Get them out of your life, not much they can do if you're proactive. Wouldn't hurt to get another circle of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want her to target someone else?! You... are not a decent person, as PP has said. Like attracts like. Cut her off and look deep within yourself to see why you allowed a person like this in your life, knowing she treats other people extremely badly. When someone shows you who they are, believe them - if they mistreat others, this is an indication of their character and the behaviors will eventually be directed towards you.

You’re taking it too literally. Point is that this person always target someone and wants them to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know someone just like this. She seems to have endless energy for this stuff too, and likes to be in control of organizing social events as long as she decides who’s in and who’s out , like bad middle school drama.

+1

OP, you made her look bad by not "going along" with her. People like this are fixated and dangerous, because they have personality issues, and they know you have something on them. If she persists, you might want to think about a restraining order, for your family. When there is a person like this in the group of "friends", usually people go along to get along, to stay off of the trouble maker's radar - sucks to have friends for that reason, don't you agree? Do a slow fade, and do not look back. Good riddance.

[Anonymous]

I would be interested to hear the other side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you perceive her to be very powerful. Bit really, how could she actually “ruin” you? What concrete things is she doing, or threatening to do? Your post has an edge of paranoia, but maybe that’s because we don’t have enough context.

What did she do that you can’t move past?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a toxic person in my life so I did a slow fade.

Pretend to be busy. Don't dump her abruptly, and if there's a mutual friend only say good things about her if her name comes up. And yes mention how busy you've been.

If she's that bad OP you may have to dump a few mutual friends so she doesn't know your business. Make your social media bland, or get off of it. Worse case do what my relative did. Start a new account and add only select friends.

Similar to a bad ex. Get them out of your life, not much they can do if you're proactive. Wouldn't hurt to get another circle of friends.

This is good advice.

Although I'll say I had a similar person in my life and tried to do a slow fade, but the person kept pushing to ask why we weren't as close anymore, obsessing over me and my husbands social media, and grilling mutual friends (and sometimes just my friends, not hers.). I had to actually spell out the boundary violation for her and she completely flipped her shit and said a lot of really crazy stuff. Like the OP, I was worried that she was going to try to somehow attack me by trash talking. Like others have said, DO NOTHING. don't talk about her to anyone. The advice about dropping mutual friends is interesting -- i found myself distancing myself from other people in her orbit instinctively.

Eventually time will go by, and you'll forget about it.

As others have said, this is a borderline personality trait. Don't feel bad -- these people can be smart and charming and seem like good friends at first!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a toxic person in my life so I did a slow fade.

Pretend to be busy. Don't dump her abruptly, and if there's a mutual friend only say good things about her if her name comes up. And yes mention how busy you've been.

If she's that bad OP you may have to dump a few mutual friends so she doesn't know your business. Make your social media bland, or get off of it. Worse case do what my relative did. Start a new account and add only select friends.

Similar to a bad ex. Get them out of your life, not much they can do if you're proactive. Wouldn't hurt to get another circle of friends.

This is good advice.

Although I'll say I had a similar person in my life and tried to do a slow fade, but the person kept pushing to ask why we weren't as close anymore, obsessing over me and my husbands social media, and grilling mutual friends (and sometimes just my friends, not hers.). I had to actually spell out the boundary violation for her and she completely flipped her shit and said a lot of really crazy stuff. Like the OP, I was worried that she was going to try to somehow attack me by trash talking. Like others have said, DO NOTHING. don't talk about her to anyone. The advice about dropping mutual friends is interesting -- i found myself distancing myself from other people in her orbit instinctively.

Eventually time will go by, and you'll forget about it.

As others have said, this is a borderline personality trait. Don't feel bad -- these people can be smart and charming and seem like good friends at first!

+1

Sorry you are going through this, OP. People like this are so toxic, and will stop at nothing - they will mob whomever they think made them look bad (not hard to do, they do it to themselves) and make up lies, if they have to - nothing is ever their fault, a lot of finger pointing (literally "SHE did this or that" - fill in bizarre accusation here - usually something you did in response to their provocation/antagonization/ridiculousness, they don't like when you defend yourself, and you are right, that's for sure) - it is bizarre behavior, and so toxic. Who has time for all that gaslighting, accusations, lies and BS?

People who have seen this know that the issue is not you, OP. Normal, healthy people, without serious issues, don't try to cause other people grief. Just stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you perceive her to be very powerful. Bit really, how could she actually “ruin” you? What concrete things is she doing, or threatening to do? Your post has an edge of paranoia, but maybe that’s because we don’t have enough context.

What did she do that you can’t move past?

Or what did OP do that the ex-"friend" can't move past?

[Anonymous]

We had an Office Bully like this once. Talk guy from birth Caroline actually and he was very insecure. However that didn’t stop him from gossiping, slandering and cozying up to people only to stab them in the back. I saw him do this to three people before me and even by then I barely was saying much to him and had stopped any grabbing lunch. He also went through a psychotic divorce and dating period where he could t shut up to whomever his new best friend was/future target.

These bad apple types need to go, however their reputation is obvious amongst most people with a half a brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a toxic person in my life so I did a slow fade.

Pretend to be busy. Don't dump her abruptly, and if there's a mutual friend only say good things about her if her name comes up. And yes mention how busy you've been.

If she's that bad OP you may have to dump a few mutual friends so she doesn't know your business. Make your social media bland, or get off of it. Worse case do what my relative did. Start a new account and add only select friends.

Similar to a bad ex. Get them out of your life, not much they can do if you're proactive. Wouldn't hurt to get another circle of friends.

This is good advice.

Although I'll say I had a similar person in my life and tried to do a slow fade, but the person kept pushing to ask why we weren't as close anymore, obsessing over me and my husbands social media, and grilling mutual friends (and sometimes just my friends, not hers.). I had to actually spell out the boundary violation for her and she completely flipped her shit and said a lot of really crazy stuff. Like the OP, I was worried that she was going to try to somehow attack me by trash talking. Like others have said, DO NOTHING. don't talk about her to anyone. The advice about dropping mutual friends is interesting -- i found myself distancing myself from other people in her orbit instinctively.

Eventually time will go by, and you'll forget about it.

As others have said, this is a borderline personality trait. Don't feel bad -- these people can be smart and charming and seem like good friends at first!

+1

Sorry you are going through this, OP. People like this are so toxic, and will stop at nothing - they will mob whomever they think made them look bad (not hard to do, they do it to themselves) and make up lies, if they have to - nothing is ever their fault, a lot of finger pointing (literally "SHE did this or that" - fill in bizarre accusation here - usually something you did in response to their provocation/antagonization/ridiculousness, they don't like when you defend yourself, and you are right, that's for sure) - it is bizarre behavior, and so toxic. Who has time for all that gaslighting, accusations, lies and BS?

People who have seen this know that the issue is not you, OP. Normal, healthy people, without serious issues, don't try to cause other people grief. Just stay away.

This pp seems like they have a whole lot of experience in this area. Maybe there is a pattern there!

OP, your friends won't want to get involved. Worry less and get on with your life. People stop being friends all the time and no one wants to dragged into it. It will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you perceive her to be very powerful. Bit really, how could she actually “ruin” you? What concrete things is she doing, or threatening to do? Your post has an edge of paranoia, but maybe that’s because we don’t have enough context.

What did she do that you can’t move past?

We were part of a marriage group in the past at our church. We are in smaller groups and make a promise to keep any information confidential. Many people share about infidelity, sexual issues, etc. There were many personal details that I shared and later found out she told mutual friends. I also found out from my DH that she has asked him questions about things we discussed when it was made clear during the program that what is said is to remain between the group and just shared so issues can be worked through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you perceive her to be very powerful. Bit really, how could she actually “ruin” you? What concrete things is she doing, or threatening to do? Your post has an edge of paranoia, but maybe that’s because we don’t have enough context.

What did she do that you can’t move past?

We were part of a marriage group in the past at our church. We are in smaller groups and make a promise to keep any information confidential. Many people share about infidelity, sexual issues, etc. There were many personal details that I shared and later found out she told mutual friends. I also found out from my DH that she has asked him questions about things we discussed when it was made clear during the program that what is said is to remain between the group and just shared so issues can be worked through.

Can you speak to your minister/marriage group leader about this and maybe they can have a word? This is not right.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me! I know exactly how you feel. It is hard to explain to people how terrifying it can be to have a really controlling, bullying friend. In my case, I blocked ALL contact, phone/e-mail/FB, etc. I did not check anything related to her, despite how tempting it was just to know what she might do. I basically pretended like never met each other. She was furious and made up all kinds of nonsense. Fortunately, most sane people recognize when someone is livid and ranting, they aren’t terribly reliable, so it wasn’t as awful as I expected. I learned that if this happens to you, 10/10 other people already knew she was like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a toxic person in my life so I did a slow fade.

Pretend to be busy. Don't dump her abruptly, and if there's a mutual friend only say good things about her if her name comes up. And yes mention how busy you've been.

If she's that bad OP you may have to dump a few mutual friends so she doesn't know your business. Make your social media bland, or get off of it. Worse case do what my relative did. Start a new account and add only select friends.

Similar to a bad ex. Get them out of your life, not much they can do if you're proactive. Wouldn't hurt to get another circle of friends.

This is good advice.

Although I'll say I had a similar person in my life and tried to do a slow fade, but the person kept pushing to ask why we weren't as close anymore, obsessing over me and my husbands social media, and grilling mutual friends (and sometimes just my friends, not hers.). I had to actually spell out the boundary violation for her and she completely flipped her shit and said a lot of really crazy stuff. Like the OP, I was worried that she was going to try to somehow attack me by trash talking. Like others have said, DO NOTHING. don't talk about her to anyone. The advice about dropping mutual friends is interesting -- i found myself distancing myself from other people in her orbit instinctively.

Eventually time will go by, and you'll forget about it.

As others have said, this is a borderline personality trait. Don't feel bad -- these people can be smart and charming and seem like good friends at first!

+1

Sorry you are going through this, OP. People like this are so toxic, and will stop at nothing - they will mob whomever they think made them look bad (not hard to do, they do it to themselves) and make up lies, if they have to - nothing is ever their fault, a lot of finger pointing (literally "SHE did this or that" - fill in bizarre accusation here - usually something you did in response to their provocation/antagonization/ridiculousness, they don't like when you defend yourself, and you are right, that's for sure) - it is bizarre behavior, and so toxic. Who has time for all that gaslighting, accusations, lies and BS?

People who have seen this know that the issue is not you, OP. Normal, healthy people, without serious issues, don't try to cause other people grief. Just stay away.

This pp seems like they have a whole lot of experience in this area. Maybe there is a pattern there!

OP, your friends won't want to get involved. Worry less and get on with your life. People stop being friends all the time and no one wants to dragged into it. It will be fine.

Why do you think that one experience is "a lot of experience"? Are you prone to hyperbole?