I am so lonely in my marriage. Please tell me how much togetherness is normal.

[Anonymous]

My DH wants to watch whatever he wants after the kids go to bed. When I ask him to hang out he says no. When I suggest things to do he says no. I'm allowed to sit in the room with him when he's watching whatever. He seems to desire no companionship from me whatsoever. If I bring it up, he says I'm controlling. Am I? I'm curious what it's like for others.

[Anonymous]

Same here. Seriously I have no idea why my DH wanted to get married. He wears his headphones constantly listening to podcasts and he just wants to do his own thing.

[Anonymous]

There is no normal. Since this is not working for you, tell him.

It's not controlling to have emotional needs and want attention.

[Anonymous]

Is this ongoing or heightened since COVID? If you are seeing more of this behavior during quarantine, he may just need to create some space during intense togetherness. If it's just how he is, yeah I had one of those marriages. We're divorced.

[Anonymous]

No, that’s not a marriage. That’s a roommate. He is being lazy by deflecting it on you and making you the problem. I would either tell him things need to change or this is done. Have you gone to therapy yet?

[Anonymous]

I am in the process of leaving a marriage like this (not a small feat- I’m terrified with two toddlers) but last night when I was looking at apartments I felt straight up RELIEF. there is better out there. And if not, I’d rather be satisfied with myself.

Read Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle and see if you relate to that. I read it, and finally put together the pieces of what the hell was missing.

[Anonymous]

Most evenings my husband and I have dinner together and then watch the PBS Newshour but then we go our separate ways for a couple of hours to do our own thing but we always go to bed at the same time. He has no interest in something like Grey’s Anatomy and I have no desire to know everything about world wars. But when I head to bed he quickly follows!

[Anonymous]

DH and I may do our own thing quite a bit but if we are sitting together and he is watching sports and I'm reading on my tablet it is relaxed and companionable. You are not wrong for wanting a partner who enjoys your company!

[Anonymous]

Do you have other things you like to do together? Shared hobbies like hiking or golf? Or do you like to go out to dinner together?
I think a lot of couples are on different plans for TV (what to watch, when to watch it, how much to watch), but if you're not on the same page with anything recreational, that's really tough.

[Anonymous]

My husband has Asperger's tendencies and is particularly asocial and introverted, and prefers to do his own thing at all times. He does not refuse conversation or the occasional activity as a family! He's married with kids, after all. But most of the time, he prefers to watch his own hobby videos and live his life according to his schedule, than be part of a group. He doesn't feel the need for physical proximity either. He would make the perfect survivalist.

[Anonymous]

We generally find something to agree on. He will indulge me with watching RH of BH and NY. He might sit there on his phone or doing work on his laptop, but he knows enough of what's going on. We each do alone time each day - I shower or yoga, he showers or walks the dog.

But we really love each other so mostly want to spend tons of time together.

[Anonymous]

But he expects sex? And you’re probably not feeling it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We generally find something to agree on. He will indulge me with watching RH of BH and NY. He might sit there on his phone or doing work on his laptop, but he knows enough of what's going on. We each do alone time each day - I shower or yoga, he showers or walks the dog.

But we really love each other so mostly want to spend tons of time together.

Wow that’s a good husband! I teasingly ask my DH to watch RH with me and he backs out slowly...

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry! That does sound really lonely

Are you able to get emotional connections other places? From friends? Long zoom or phone calls right now can really do wonders.

I wish I had a suggestion for you with your DH, but he sounds so closed off. Was he always?

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing wrong with wanting some alone time, and maybe he’s a person that enjoys his alone time and isn’t communicating that effectively. However, there’s also nothing wrong with wanting attention and companionship from your spouse. Issues arise when you can’t compromise and make both happen.

My husband and I both really enjoy alone time, but, thankfully for us, I work opposite schedule 3 days a week, so he gets 3 evenings to himself and I get to come home those days and enjoy some me time before going to bed (while he’s at work). I love my time alone and don’t miss his company at all. That being said, I do love being with him on the other evenings, when we are both home. One of the evenings we are both home we both hang out with my mom, who lives with us, binge watching Netflix until bedtime. Obviously this isn’t a doable set up in every marriage, but I’m using it as an example of finding a middle ground that works.