Luxury Assisted Living No Longer Worth It?

[Anonymous]

My MIL who is a lovely woman was moved into a luxury assisted living facility by my BIL after my FIL died. At first it seemed worth the cost as she made friends, enjoyed the outings, appreciated the dining room meals with groups of friends.

My BIL who had promised to cover the cost when she ran out of funds, eventually decided he could no longer cover supplementing her income, and asked us to contribute.

We have been paying $2K a month for her care for about a year now. The BIL kicks in $3K. MIL's pensions & Social Security add up to about $4K. So her monthly expenses add up to about $9K a month.

Her 'rent' which includes food is about $6.5K

For the last 2 months, there have been numerous lock-downs where residents are to stay in their rooms, not even sure they can walk the grounds. My MIL is lonely and really only sees the workers who deliver all meals to her room. I am just not sure if this arrangement makes sense any more. If there was an end is sight, maybe -- but I just don't see that happening anymore.

Her only DD lives 2 hours away and has periodically mentioned that it might make more sense for the mother to move in with her. I doubt she really means it as she has complained about being the main care manager for her mom after what seem to be an annual medical crisis/fall.

Anyway, I am going to open up a conversation with my SIL about what she thinks. She may be glad to have the $ go to her and her living arrangement (renting a bigger house?). SIL has her own business which is no longer generating much income.

BIL we believe is still significantly wealthy. My DH is still employed but took at 20% pay cut. We have 25K liquid savings in the bank for 'emergencies' His take home salary is 8K a month, so 2K is a significant expenditure.

We can't be the only ones who are wondering about the cost-benefit of MIL's luxury nursing home during the pandemic. I just don't see the pandemic ending any time soon and am concerned about MIL's quality of life with minimal contact and about my ability to continue to pay for as much as we do.

DH is due to have heart surgery in 3 weeks so I am not going to discuss with him until he is several weeks into recovery. In the meantime, I thought I would see what DCUM thinks about this.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

What type of assistance does she need? How easy would it be to provide at her daughters house? Is her daughter able to keep quarantined enough for someone who is frail?

[Anonymous]

I think it is not longer worth it, but there are other things to consider now. It will be hard to get a care worker to come in and help your MIL, so all will be on your SIL. That's a lot taking care of someone. But if she doesn't have income coming in and you guys would pay her the funds that you would have paid the Assisted Living, well it could work. That would become her "job" for awhile. After this all ends (hopefully it does one day), then it would be time to revisit the decision.

[Anonymous]

My MIL mentally is very strong. She is 92 and has bad osteoporosis. When she falls (annually?) she fractures vertabraes/other bones which may either be cemented or require months to heal. She is on daily pain medicine and has been for decades.

So she needs helps with showering if she is weak from a fall. Needs help to go to doctor appointments, dentists, and such.

SIL works from home and has been careful minimizing her outings. Although now her college graduated son is now living with her. Not sure what his plan is -- he is looking for a job.

[Anonymous]

I have decided that none of my elders (parents, in laws, ex husband’s mother) are going into any group care setting unless it is 100% their preference and choice. DH is a hospice doctor and he saw terrible things even in the “best” places and this was before covid! I will take care of them and if I have to quit my job, so be it. I think home is almost always better and certainly more economical. These “luxury” places might smell and look better but I guarantee the staff is not getting luxury pay and underneath they’re all the same.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think my SIL would appreciate the money being spent at the luxury facility instead going towards SIL/MIL expenses. Maybe the BIL and ourself could reduce if not eliminate our months contributions.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like a loving and caring DIL. My only concern about this plan would be the socializing. It sounds like this was very important to your MIL. While I know we have no idea when things will go back to “normal” do you think your MIL would miss being among friends?

[Anonymous]

That sounds high? did she NOT own a home when she moved there.

My mom lives in one of these communities but that is way more than she pays.

The $4K should cover it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound like a loving and caring DIL. My only concern about this plan would be the socializing. It sounds like this was very important to your MIL. While I know we have no idea when things will go back to “normal” do you think your MIL would miss being among friends?

Consider getting an apartment near the assisted living. She can uber over to see her friends at the assisted living.

[Anonymous]

All of the retirement communities have put these measurements in place to protect their vulnerable residents. They have pretty much all suspended social activities, outings, dining room operations, most entertainment.

If your MIL is paying 9K/month for "assisted living" and the only thing that they assist her with is room service then that cost does seem really high. If she's there because she needs help with medication, dressing, bathing, etc then the 9K makes a bit more sense. If she's there because it gives you all piece of mind that she is checked on 3 times a day, that makes sense.

I think that having a vulnerable, elderly person living in your home right now would be especially difficult. I've heard some horror stories about home healthcare workers not showing up or being impossible to find. That probably isn't something that your SIL factored in when she was speaking of your MIL moving in with her. Is she willing to put her life on hold, never go on vacation and provide heavy duty physical assistance to your MIL for potentially years to come?

Personally, I don't think that I could ask a member of my family to make a sacrifice like that nor do I think it would necessarily be in the best interests of the parent. At the same time, I completely understand how paying 2K a month out of your own pocket for your MIL's care (nearly 10K total) when she's really not getting much more than room service would be hard to justify.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

Assisted living residents have not been treated well during Covid. They have been treated like they are inmates and are lock down.

Most assisted livings right now drop off the food in the morning for the day and send one caregiver in the morning to help everyone get dressed. They are not allowed to socialize with anyone in their dorm under Covid. The only person they are seeing is the CNA in the morning to help with dressing.

I'd consider lease an apartment close to the assisted living if she has a lot of friends there. Hire outside CNA. Minimum hire is 4 hours in morning to get dressed. You may not need more than that. Have her uber back over to assisted living to visit with her friends after lockdown is lifted. She can pay cash for any meals she takes at the dining hall. Meals run around $8.00 or $10.00 or sometimes free if it is the end of the month and her friend has money on her account to share.

[Anonymous]

I'm 7:55,

If you move her into your home you can get outside caregivers, direct pay or through an agency. We have mom getting outside caregivers now during Covid. It was stressful at the start because I got 4 emails from the corporate CEO saying they were not sure if they could staff during Covid.
We've been fortunate our caregivers keep showing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds high? did she NOT own a home when she moved there.

My mom lives in one of these communities but that is way more than she pays.

The $4K should cover it.

Where? In Kansas? Round the clock care for my friend’s grandmother was close to $180,000 a year.

[Anonymous]

A lot would depend on the cost of living in your area.
I'd price out a small apartment near SIL and/or near the Assisted Living.

I'd also price out hiring caregivers. At a minimum you would need someone 4 hours 7 days a week. No one will come for under 4 hours.

It sounds like grandson could drive her to her appointments in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,

Assisted living residents have not been treated well during Covid. They have been treated like they are inmates and are lock down.

Most assisted livings right now drop off the food in the morning for the day and send one caregiver in the morning to help everyone get dressed. They are not allowed to socialize with anyone in their dorm under Covid. The only person they are seeing is the CNA in the morning to help with dressing.

I'd consider lease an apartment close to the assisted living if she has a lot of friends there. Hire outside CNA. Minimum hire is 4 hours in morning to get dressed. You may not need more than that. Have her uber back over to assisted living to visit with her friends after lockdown is lifted. She can pay cash for any meals she takes at the dining hall. Meals run around $8.00 or $10.00 or sometimes free if it is the end of the month and her friend has money on her account to share.

An elderly woman who has osteoporosis and falls regularly, needs help with showering, meal prep and transportation to/from medical appts is not going to be visiting her friends over at the luxurious assisted living facility especially since the facility is not even accepting visitors right now. So if she moves into a nearby apartment building don't kid yourself that she would still be able to see her friends. Not true.

She would be alone in an apartment with an aid showing up to assist her in the morning (probably). If the aid doesn't show, you might not even find out about it. The whole thing is gut wrenching.

Even trying to find a clean, well run, less expensive and less high end assisted living facility right now would be a nightmare because you can't tour them. I wish I had a good solution for Op but I really do not.