Sisters and new clothes - what is fair?

[Anonymous]

I have two daughters age 12 and 9. Their relationship is very competitive, often contentious and yet they also get along well sometimes.

We have been having this repeated issue with new clothes. Older DD does not want me to buy younger DD anything that is the same as what she is buying. I get not wanting to match your sister, but some of the stuff is trendy/popular basics and it seems silly to tell younger DD she can’t have them. Like solid color running shorts. Or a camo T-shirt, or solid tank tops. Or a certain style of flip flops, etc.

What is the fair way to decide who gets what? Both girls like the popular trendy stuff so I don’t know what to do. Do I tell younger DD sorry your sister already picked that? Is that fair to younger?

(PS, younger DD wears any good condition hand me downs happily, but we usually have gaps to fill in, plus I like her to get a few new things.)

[Anonymous]

Why not give each a budget, a few suggested/approved websites, and info on what’s needed and let them pick?

If you say: “Kid 1, you need 2 tee shirts, 2 shorts, and 4 socks. Kid 2, you need 3 tee shirts, 2 shorts and 1 pair of leggings. You can both use Gap, Old Navy or Macy’s. You have $xxx to spend.” Highly unlikely both kids will have identical shirts and shorts.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's fair for your older daughter to get all new clothes AND forbid her sister from choosing whatever she wants among the few new clothes she gets. Tell older DD she's being ridiculous--no one can "claim" flip flops or solid colored running shorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for your older daughter to get all new clothes AND forbid her sister from choosing whatever she wants among the few new clothes she gets. Tell older DD she's being ridiculous--no one can "claim" flip flops or solid colored running shorts.

+1

Older sister doesn't get to call the shots on what younger sister wears. Or, what you as an adult decide to purchase with your own money. I was the older sister in this equation, btw.

[Anonymous]

You are allowing your oldest daughter to behave like that. Both kids get the same amount of clothing each season regardless of handy downs. One time, you take younger daughter first. Next time, take older daughter first and rotate. Do not take them together.

[Anonymous]

If older DD doesn't want to match, she has to let younger DD pick her new clothes first. Then older DD can choose something non-matchy.

The one being picky about it has to make the accommodations and take second choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If older DD doesn't want to match, she has to let younger DD pick her new clothes first. Then older DD can choose something non-matchy.

The one being picky about it has to make the accommodations and take second choice.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for your older daughter to get all new clothes AND forbid her sister from choosing whatever she wants among the few new clothes she gets. Tell older DD she's being ridiculous--no one can "claim" flip flops or solid colored running shorts.

+1

Older sister doesn't get to call the shots on what younger sister wears. Or, what you as an adult decide to purchase with your own money. I was the older sister in this equation, btw.

OP here with a follow up question. Older DD will get dressed and then complain that younger DD “copied her” because they are both wearing black leggings and a T-shirt (not the same one.) Or running shorts and a tank top. My feeling is this is just how girls dress these days (I wish they’d wear more “real” clothes but not the hill I wish to die on.)

Is it reasonable for older DD to be upset about this? And if not, how do I say effective “get over it” while still being empathetic? She’s soooo testy lately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for your older daughter to get all new clothes AND forbid her sister from choosing whatever she wants among the few new clothes she gets. Tell older DD she's being ridiculous--no one can "claim" flip flops or solid colored running shorts.

+1

Older sister doesn't get to call the shots on what younger sister wears. Or, what you as an adult decide to purchase with your own money. I was the older sister in this equation, btw.

OP here with a follow up question. Older DD will get dressed and then complain that younger DD “copied her” because they are both wearing black leggings and a T-shirt (not the same one.) Or running shorts and a tank top. My feeling is this is just how girls dress these days (I wish they’d wear more “real” clothes but not the hill I wish to die on.)

Is it reasonable for older DD to be upset about this? And if not, how do I say effective “get over it” while still being empathetic? She’s soooo testy lately.

Tell her to stop complaining about her sister. And, make it clear to them when they can wear leggings or athletic clothing. Mine know they cannot wear athletic clothing to school or out to dinner. You need to set the standard and be consistent. You are allowing OD to call the shots and bully younger daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for your older daughter to get all new clothes AND forbid her sister from choosing whatever she wants among the few new clothes she gets. Tell older DD she's being ridiculous--no one can "claim" flip flops or solid colored running shorts.

+1

Older sister doesn't get to call the shots on what younger sister wears. Or, what you as an adult decide to purchase with your own money. I was the older sister in this equation, btw.

OP here with a follow up question. Older DD will get dressed and then complain that younger DD “copied her” because they are both wearing black leggings and a T-shirt (not the same one.) Or running shorts and a tank top. My feeling is this is just how girls dress these days (I wish they’d wear more “real” clothes but not the hill I wish to die on.)

Is it reasonable for older DD to be upset about this? And if not, how do I say effective “get over it” while still being empathetic? She’s soooo testy lately.

No, this is not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

No way the older sister gets to set rules for what the younger “is allowed” to have or wear. The suggestion to give them each a budget and list of things needed is a good one, but you may want final approval on purchases as sometimes tweens and young teens can try to emulate the too sexy clothes seen on entertainers. I can understand the older sister not wanting to be “twins”, but would knock down the controlling/bullying type behavior as will only get worse if not checked.

[Anonymous]

Easy. if older DD feels the younger is copying, she can change her own clothes and younger can't. Done. Put her in her room to select a new outfit she doesn't feel is too close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for your older daughter to get all new clothes AND forbid her sister from choosing whatever she wants among the few new clothes she gets. Tell older DD she's being ridiculous--no one can "claim" flip flops or solid colored running shorts.

+1

Older sister doesn't get to call the shots on what younger sister wears. Or, what you as an adult decide to purchase with your own money. I was the older sister in this equation, btw.

+100

Older sister is being bossy and perhaps insecure.
I have daughters who are also 9 and 12. The 12 year old was disappointed bc i ordered my 9 year old a pretty tank from Abercrombie that was similar to the one I ordered her. Oh well, I told her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If older DD doesn't want to match, she has to let younger DD pick her new clothes first. Then older DD can choose something non-matchy.

The one being picky about it has to make the accommodations and take second choice.

Perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for your older daughter to get all new clothes AND forbid her sister from choosing whatever she wants among the few new clothes she gets. Tell older DD she's being ridiculous--no one can "claim" flip flops or solid colored running shorts.

+1

Older sister doesn't get to call the shots on what younger sister wears. Or, what you as an adult decide to purchase with your own money. I was the older sister in this equation, btw.

OP here with a follow up question. Older DD will get dressed and then complain that younger DD “copied her” because they are both wearing black leggings and a T-shirt (not the same one.) Or running shorts and a tank top. My feeling is this is just how girls dress these days (I wish they’d wear more “real” clothes but not the hill I wish to die on.)

Is it reasonable for older DD to be upset about this? And if not, how do I say effective “get over it” while still being empathetic? She’s soooo testy lately.

Not reasonable, not deserving of empathy. You may be inadvertently telling your older DD that this is something to be upset about.

Even if the younger girl is "copying" her, it's not a big deal. In fact, she'll probably give it up sooner if the 12 year old stop stalking about it.