Sisters and new clothes - what is fair?

[Anonymous]

I would tell the oldest that she is being ridiculous.

Carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are allowing your oldest daughter to behave like that. Both kids get the same amount of clothing each season regardless of handy downs. One time, you take younger daughter first. Next time, take older daughter first and rotate. Do not take them together.

This, or if you're shopping online, work with each of them independently. It's probably good for younger sister to make sure she is developing her own clothing preferences, but it's unrealistic to demand that she dress differently. Big sis will also be a role model for her, given their closeness in age.

[Anonymous]

I agree that big sis doesn’t have input into what little sis buys. I’m in the minority but I can see how it’s annoying if little sis always copies big sis and they end up looking like twins daily. Doesn’t matter during quarantine, but generally, this would be hugely embarrassing to a 13 year old. I was that older sister, and it was the worst.

In that case. I would say there are on off weeks or something where one kid gets to pick clothes first. So sometimes they will match, if little sister wants to and sometimes they won’t. I hear that his is an added level to monitor. Might not work for everyone. But in our family, it works great for things they used to fight about all the time (eg, who showers first). They know the rule and whose day it is and they no longer fight about it.

[Anonymous]

Are there underling issues here? Like is younger sis a lot prettier and maybe gets a lot of attention for it? Big sis feels bad because they're wearing pretty much the same thing and little sis looks better in it?

If there are issues, I would try to address them.

But otherwise, yeah, unreasonable to dictate what younger sis can and cannot wear or buy.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice, but my 12 year old DD is testy at least 75% of the time. It's exhausting. Puberty??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but my 12 year old DD is testy at least 75% of the time. It's exhausting. Puberty??

OP here! Yes she is exhausting! I have wondering about impending puberty. She is like a Jekyll/Hyde.

Thanks all for suggestions - I am going to implement them.

PS - no underlying issues of appearance, but they have always been competitive...always. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Just empathy with the original poster- I have 10
And 12 year old daughters. There can be a lot of competition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for your older daughter to get all new clothes AND forbid her sister from choosing whatever she wants among the few new clothes she gets. Tell older DD she's being ridiculous--no one can "claim" flip flops or solid colored running shorts.

+1

Older sister doesn't get to call the shots on what younger sister wears. Or, what you as an adult decide to purchase with your own money. I was the older sister in this equation, btw.

OP here with a follow up question. Older DD will get dressed and then complain that younger DD “copied her” because they are both wearing black leggings and a T-shirt (not the same one.) Or running shorts and a tank top. My feeling is this is just how girls dress these days (I wish they’d wear more “real” clothes but not the hill I wish to die on.)

Is it reasonable for older DD to be upset about this? And if not, how do I say effective “get over it” while still being empathetic? She’s soooo testy lately.

She's being unreasonable. I remember when I was in High School, my friends and I would often show up wearing exactly the same thing -- same design, same color -- all the time. Totally unplanned, it's just the nature of teenagers to wear similar clothes. Everyone wants to fit in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for your older daughter to get all new clothes AND forbid her sister from choosing whatever she wants among the few new clothes she gets. Tell older DD she's being ridiculous--no one can "claim" flip flops or solid colored running shorts.

+1

Older sister doesn't get to call the shots on what younger sister wears. Or, what you as an adult decide to purchase with your own money. I was the older sister in this equation, btw.

OP here with a follow up question. Older DD will get dressed and then complain that younger DD “copied her” because they are both wearing black leggings and a T-shirt (not the same one.) Or running shorts and a tank top. My feeling is this is just how girls dress these days (I wish they’d wear more “real” clothes but not the hill I wish to die on.)

Is it reasonable for older DD to be upset about this? And if not, how do I say effective “get over it” while still being empathetic? She’s soooo testy lately.

Why do you need to be "empathetic?" Your older girl is being a spoiled brat and you're more concerned about coddling her and accommodating her sense of entitlement, than you are about being FAIR to your younger child.
What is wrong with you OP? Why do you hate your younger child?

OP here. It’s quite the opposite. I am very close with younger DD and struggle in my relationship with older DD. She’s always accusing me of treating her unfairly. It breaks my heart - she was my first baby and we used to get along great. Now she’s always mad about something.

But treating your younger DD unfairly in an attempt to appease older DD isn't right and probably won't work, anyway. It sounds like there may be a problem with your relationship, but it isn't clothes. Or it could be just a phase she's going through. Either way, allowing the older DD to bully you into treating younger DD unfairly will have long-term implications for your relationship with the younger DD and is unlikely to improve your relationship to the older DD. It will just confirm her belief that you were being unfair before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's fair for your older daughter to get all new clothes AND forbid her sister from choosing whatever she wants among the few new clothes she gets. Tell older DD she's being ridiculous--no one can "claim" flip flops or solid colored running shorts.

+1

Older sister doesn't get to call the shots on what younger sister wears. Or, what you as an adult decide to purchase with your own money. I was the older sister in this equation, btw.

Agree, the caveat being if little sis is buying IDENTICAL things and doing so often and doing so AFTER big sis buys them, I'd probably have a conversation with little sister. If they both just have the same tastes and buy similar things independently, big sis is going to need to get over it.

[Anonymous]

op, this clothing thing is a symptom of relationship problems between them. That you are more close to the younger dd and struggle in your relationship with the older dd is also part of the problem.

The issue isn't clothes. You need to work on your relationship with your older dd and you need to do things that foster their relationship instead of just accepting "they have always been competitive." That is a cop out and you should just say "they have always felt insecure" because that is what it is. This isn't healthy competition, this is insecurity.

My kids are 3 yrs apart too. Get to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have no advice, but my 12 year old DD is testy at least 75% of the time. It's exhausting. Puberty??

OP here! Yes she is exhausting! I have wondering about impending puberty. She is like a Jekyll/Hyde.

Thanks all for suggestions - I am going to implement them.

PS - no underlying issues of appearance, but they have always been competitive...always. It sucks.

I would advise you to work on helping them to not get to the point of being nasty about it. Some competition will exist but work towards them cheering each other on more than competing.

On the clothes, 9 and 12 yr olds will have similar styles now. Maybe it's hard for your 12 yr old to see her little sister growing up some.

If you need a differentiation , maybe consider doing it by brand. My mom only let my older sister get certain brands and would say when you are 13 (or 16), I will buy that brand for you too. I was about 5 yrs younger than my sister and my mom knew that on the day to day, I was still too young at times to really care about the brand and was just copying my sister.

[Anonymous]

Ha! I had this problem but with my boys. "He's dressed like me! Make him stop!"

Well, of course he was. All they wore at the time was basketball shorts and various sports tees.

Anyway, what worked in my house was telling the main complainer this: if it bugs you so much, you get dressed after him so you see what he's wearing for the day and you won't "match".

That stopped it ASAP.