Trauma from emotional abuse

[Anonymous]

I have been in an emotionally abusive marriage for the past year. My cheating husband, when confronted or questioned about his infidelity, turns around and tears into me emotionally. He denies everything even when presented with hard evidence. He screams and yells. He tells me I am delusional and crazy. He gaslights me and stonewalls me for days. He also has told his family I am "accusing him of cheating" so now his mom tells me I need to seek mental help as I am driving her son crazy.

I am so disoriented and depressed. I literally can't remember what happend last week or what our last encounter was like. When I don't bring up the affairs, he is normal and kisses and hugs me and pretends everything is OK. But when I ask, he turns stone cold and starts abusing me.

We are quarantined together so I can't leave. I feel like I am losing my mind and feel physically sick from the gas lighting.

[Anonymous]

I'm practically in the same boat, but I blocked my MIL because I don't need to hear her crap.

Also, my cheating narcissist has a bday this week. So, you know, we should all be kissing the ground he walks on all this week and last.

[Anonymous]

Do not engage with him. You don’t have to prove you are right. You know you are and that’s all that matters. Stay away from him, be cordial and make an exit plan.

[Anonymous]

Do you have DCs? Pack your bag and theirs if you have them and leave today. You don’t have to stay because of quarantine...rent a furnished Apt for a month and figure it out. A therapist is also an excellent idea...make an appointment now. Oh...and send your MIL evidence of the cheating and tell her your done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm practically in the same boat, but I blocked my MIL because I don't need to hear her crap.

Also, my cheating narcissist has a bday this week. So, you know, we should all be kissing the ground he walks on all this week and last.

Why do you ladies stay? I don’t understand how you can stay. Is it you are afraid of being on your own? Lack confidence? I truly do not get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have DCs? Pack your bag and theirs if you have them and leave today. You don’t have to stay because of quarantine...rent a furnished Apt for a month and figure it out. A therapist is also an excellent idea...make an appointment now. Oh...and send your MIL evidence of the cheating and tell her your done.

Well here's the problem, he is also presently unemployed. If I file for divorce would I have to pay him alimony? I don't make much money would not be able to afford that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm practically in the same boat, but I blocked my MIL because I don't need to hear her crap.

Also, my cheating narcissist has a bday this week. So, you know, we should all be kissing the ground he walks on all this week and last.

Why do you ladies stay? I don’t understand how you can stay. Is it you are afraid of being on your own? Lack confidence? I truly do not get it.

OP here. It took me a while to confirm my suspicions that he was cheating. Then, because he kisses and tells me he loves me, I naively assumed he'd confess, show remorse and we could work on it.

Also, I do not have a well paid job so I AM afraid of making it on my own. Thankfully we do not have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm practically in the same boat, but I blocked my MIL because I don't need to hear her crap.

Also, my cheating narcissist has a bday this week. So, you know, we should all be kissing the ground he walks on all this week and last.

Why do you ladies stay? I don’t understand how you can stay. Is it you are afraid of being on your own? Lack confidence? I truly do not get it.

OP here. It took me a while to confirm my suspicions that he was cheating. Then, because he kisses and tells me he loves me, I naively assumed he'd confess, show remorse and we could work on it.

Also, I do not have a well paid job so I AM afraid of making it on my own. Thankfully we do not have children.

You need to leave now. Unless you have been through menopause you will get pregnant and doom a child to this life.

If your husband is recently unemployed and you truly don’t make much (as in you make less than 100k) it is doubtful you’d pay alimony. Your ex has the ability to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have DCs? Pack your bag and theirs if you have them and leave today. You don’t have to stay because of quarantine...rent a furnished Apt for a month and figure it out. A therapist is also an excellent idea...make an appointment now. Oh...and send your MIL evidence of the cheating and tell her your done.

Well here's the problem, he is also presently unemployed. If I file for divorce would I have to pay him alimony? I don't make much money would not be able to afford that.

So? Let him go live with his Mother. He can’t stay unemployed forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm practically in the same boat, but I blocked my MIL because I don't need to hear her crap.

Also, my cheating narcissist has a bday this week. So, you know, we should all be kissing the ground he walks on all this week and last.

Why do you ladies stay? I don’t understand how you can stay. Is it you are afraid of being on your own? Lack confidence? I truly do not get it.

OP here. It took me a while to confirm my suspicions that he was cheating. Then, because he kisses and tells me he loves me, I naively assumed he'd confess, show remorse and we could work on it.

Also, I do not have a well paid job so I AM afraid of making it on my own. Thankfully we do not have children.

Move in with your parents. You have been quarantining for weeks. By the time a Judge sees your case, he will have a job and will owe you $$. And he can go down to Costco or any grocery store and get a job today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not engage with him. You don’t have to prove you are right. You know you are and that’s all that matters. Stay away from him, be cordial and make an exit plan.

^^^This. I am in a similar boat. I go along to get along. Cry silently and continue to make plans and fantasize about the day I’m free.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm practically in the same boat, but I blocked my MIL because I don't need to hear her crap.

Also, my cheating narcissist has a bday this week. So, you know, we should all be kissing the ground he walks on all this week and last.

Why do you ladies stay? I don’t understand how you can stay. Is it you are afraid of being on your own? Lack confidence? I truly do not get it.

For those who have children, we stay because we fear have to leave our children with the abusive man alone and him retaliating through them. If I had no children, I would have been gone a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm practically in the same boat, but I blocked my MIL because I don't need to hear her crap.

Also, my cheating narcissist has a bday this week. So, you know, we should all be kissing the ground he walks on all this week and last.

Why do you ladies stay? I don’t understand how you can stay. Is it you are afraid of being on your own? Lack confidence? I truly do not get it.

For those who have children, we stay because we fear have to leave our children with the abusive man alone and him retaliating through them. If I had no children, I would have been gone a long time ago.

+1. The system doesn’t consider emotional abuse a type of abuse that has any legal consequences even though it is deeply psychologically damaging. The system doesn’t take into account physical abuse against the mother as a consideration in child custody. The system will give 50/50 custody to a parent absent any hard evidence if serious physical or sexual abuse of the child. You know that saying - “hold your friends close and your enemies even closer?”. That is often what we are doing in order to protect ourselves, particularly because the legal and social/cultural systems offer us no protection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm practically in the same boat, but I blocked my MIL because I don't need to hear her crap.

Also, my cheating narcissist has a bday this week. So, you know, we should all be kissing the ground he walks on all this week and last.

Why do you ladies stay? I don’t understand how you can stay. Is it you are afraid of being on your own? Lack confidence? I truly do not get it.

For those who have children, we stay because we fear have to leave our children with the abusive man alone and him retaliating through them. If I had no children, I would have been gone a long time ago.

+1. The system doesn’t consider emotional abuse a type of abuse that has any legal consequences even though it is deeply psychologically damaging. The system doesn’t take into account physical abuse against the mother as a consideration in child custody. The system will give 50/50 custody to a parent absent any hard evidence if serious physical or sexual abuse of the child. You know that saying - “hold your friends close and your enemies even closer?”. That is often what we are doing in order to protect ourselves, particularly because the legal and social/cultural systems offer us no protection.

Don’t they act this way before you get pregnant? Have multiple DCs? Why have children with someone who emotionally abuses you and why have more than one? Also, by the time the kid is a tween they can testify as to the abuse and preference ...so why stay then?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm practically in the same boat, but I blocked my MIL because I don't need to hear her crap.

Also, my cheating narcissist has a bday this week. So, you know, we should all be kissing the ground he walks on all this week and last.

Why do you ladies stay? I don’t understand how you can stay. Is it you are afraid of being on your own? Lack confidence? I truly do not get it.

OP here. It took me a while to confirm my suspicions that he was cheating. Then, because he kisses and tells me he loves me, I naively assumed he'd confess, show remorse and we could work on it.

Also, I do not have a well paid job so I AM afraid of making it on my own. Thankfully we do not have children.

Please, please, please get a tele-consult with a divorce attorney right now. You are making assumptions about alimony and your obligations under quarantine that are just not true. You need real advice from a lawyer who can help you plan your exit. The attorney should be able to advise you on what documents you should preserve while you are in the house (savings, retirement, mortgage, etc.) Attorney will also advise you on joint accounts and what $$ you can take out of them when.

In the DMV courts are generally closed, so your attorney will also have to advise you on timeline - when can you file for divorce? is court open for emergency filing? Attorney can help you back plan from likely filing date about how to leave house in a way that preserves your leverage in split.

If you are going to stay in the house any length of time, simply stop engaging him. Do not confront him about the infidelity any more. You know all you need to know from the evidence that made you confront him and his response to that. It is not your job to convince him to confess, rationalize for him or convince why and how the relationship is worth saving, how you two could recover, etc. Again, his response tells you all you need to know - this relationship is not healthy and needs to end. As long as you are in the house with him, grey rock him. (google grey rocking)

See if you can get a therapist for yourself. You need someone who can help you withstand the emotional abuse and recover from it when you leave.

All this said, if it feels emotionally or physically unsafe leave immediately. Your health and safety are most important.

I have been where you are now (but with two kids). Life gets better when you leave your abuser.