Trauma from emotional abuse

[Anonymous]

OP, you already know everything you need to know. You do not need to discuss this any further.

Do these things tomorrow:

1) Open your own bank account separate from his.
2) Start calling lawyers. Many will do free consults. You only need 1 or 2 to get a good idea of what to do next. Do you have an EAP at work? Many EAP programs will connect you with free legal advice.
3) Start looking for your own place.

There is nothing to stay for, not one more day. Can you move in with family members for a while? You do NOT need to stay in a house with this man. No point engaging with him - he is dishonest and an abuser.

A friend of mine said, "Stop feeling hurt because the hardware store doesn't stock oranges. Stop going to the hardware store to look for oranges."

Your husband is the hardware store. The oranges are honesty and emotional connection. He's got no oranges. He never will have oranges. Stop looking for them there. Either live a life without oranges or look elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you already know everything you need to know. You do not need to discuss this any further.

Do these things tomorrow:

1) Open your own bank account separate from his.
2) Start calling lawyers. Many will do free consults. You only need 1 or 2 to get a good idea of what to do next. Do you have an EAP at work? Many EAP programs will connect you with free legal advice.
3) Start looking for your own place.

There is nothing to stay for, not one more day. Can you move in with family members for a while? You do NOT need to stay in a house with this man. No point engaging with him - he is dishonest and an abuser.

A friend of mine said, "Stop feeling hurt because the hardware store doesn't stock oranges. Stop going to the hardware store to look for oranges."

Your husband is the hardware store. The oranges are honesty and emotional connection. He's got no oranges. He never will have oranges. Stop looking for them there. Either live a life without oranges or look elsewhere.

PP here. Reading this over, I want to correct what I said above when I said, "Stop feeling hurt"...about his inability to give you oranges. Of course you are hurt by this -- he is doing hurtful, horrible things. But don't stay stuck, paralyzed in the hurt. At some point (you've already reached that point) you are HURTING YOURSELF by going back to him over and over and over trying to get him to be someone different, someone who is honest and not emotionally abusive. He will never be who you need him to be. He's got no oranges. Stop shopping there. It will still hurt, but it will hurt less and less over time, the farther away you get from him. But you HAVE to get away. Stop engaging and focus your energy on your next phase of life.

[Anonymous]

When I don't bring up the affairs, he is normal and kisses and hugs me and pretends everything is OK. But when I ask, he turns stone cold and starts abusing me.

Stop asking about his affairs then.

[Anonymous]

#open your own email account just for the divorce process to prevent him hacking your current one and gain insight about what you are planning to do. #

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you already know everything you need to know. You do not need to discuss this any further.

Do these things tomorrow:

1) Open your own bank account separate from his.
2) Start calling lawyers. Many will do free consults. You only need 1 or 2 to get a good idea of what to do next. Do you have an EAP at work? Many EAP programs will connect you with free legal advice.
3) Start looking for your own place.

There is nothing to stay for, not one more day. Can you move in with family members for a while? You do NOT need to stay in a house with this man. No point engaging with him - he is dishonest and an abuser.

A friend of mine said, "Stop feeling hurt because the hardware store doesn't stock oranges. Stop going to the hardware store to look for oranges."

Your husband is the hardware store. The oranges are honesty and emotional connection. He's got no oranges. He never will have oranges. Stop looking for them there. Either live a life without oranges or look elsewhere.

PP here. Reading this over, I want to correct what I said above when I said, "Stop feeling hurt"...about his inability to give you oranges. Of course you are hurt by this -- he is doing hurtful, horrible things. But don't stay stuck, paralyzed in the hurt. At some point (you've already reached that point) you are HURTING YOURSELF by going back to him over and over and over trying to get him to be someone different, someone who is honest and not emotionally abusive. He will never be who you need him to be. He's got no oranges. Stop shopping there. It will still hurt, but it will hurt less and less over time, the farther away you get from him. But you HAVE to get away. Stop engaging and focus your energy on your next phase of life.

+1. Also if you keep going to the hardware store for oranges you will never end up with any oranges. Shopping at the wrong store is a waste of time, and using up the time you need to find oranges.

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that. He'll never admit to anything so your best course of action is to decide your best course of action. He will expect you to forgive and forget and regret or any kind of remorse are just a wish. You'd be wasting time waiting for that to happen. You have to decide if this is the life you want to live. If not, go.